PE Lessons (315 stories) - "'Equal opportunities' Up to 14 I was a regular football nut. I played cricket, was a good runner - long distance and sprint - and had just got into ru..." - via foxy01
Top Tips (2420 stories) - " Politics students: Feel like a REAL politician whilst at university by claiming for another student loan for a second hall of residence." - via mr-lizard
Bugs and feature requests (1009 stories) - "Have a pre-post warning of "Star Wars is not a substitute for humour" to hopefully reduce the 300 unfunny Star Wars pictures that infest /board every ..." - via The Hedgehog From Hell
Image Challenge suggestions (3408 stories) - "Holiday blunders Oh the fun to be had when you bake the ham with a glaze of wood varnish" - via Subway
Question of the Week suggestions (4614 stories) - "You weren't meant to hear that When have you totally screwed up?
My best effort was when I was on a bit of a "get fit" drive this summer. The prima..." - via MatJ
Off Topic (lots of topics) - "Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend."
Previous 293 questions:
Family Feuds (235 stories) - "Accidental Personality change My memories of my dad before I was10 are quite good. He wasn't the most demonstrative of parents but he was funny, a bi..." - via sittingduck
Teenage Crushes - Part Two (430 stories) - "Are people misunderstanding what a crush is? Are crush and hormone-driven gratuitous sexual fantasy the same thing? IMO no it isn't. I think a crush ..." - via sandettie light vessel automatic
Rubbish Towns (569 stories) - "Kappa-Slappa Jailbait You couldn't even have a wank in this town without having some teenage girl battering down your front door, punch you in the fac..." - via SpankyHanky
Sexual fetishes (421 stories) - "This is going to make you vom into your own outstretched hands…
Kink, quirk, fetish, perversion – call it what you will. I have a weakness…a de..." - via Mr Twisty Cheeky
I don't understand the attraction (901 stories) - "What’s the deal…?
What’s the deal with Harry Potter?
I bet he likes it up the jotter
Dan Brown’s shit sells by the tonne
& Obama’s peace p..." - via Mr Twisty Cheeky
Celebrities part II (480 stories) - "Oh, just remembered My mate Carl used to be in a band that supported The Hollies on a tour some years ago. They'd finish and then go back to their pi..." - via sandettie light vessel automatic
Neighbours (312 stories) - "Blue Rinse Dragons Part II This will make more sense if you can be bothered with this Blue Rinse Dragons Part I
The wispy apparition of the Lingeri..." - via spimf
IT Support (408 stories) - "Testing! Testing! A few years back, we used to have an IT filter on our PCs at work. You'd try and look at anything inappropriate and get blocked.
..." - via SnowyTheRabbit
The most childish thing you've done as an adult (653 stories) - "Severely pissed off fighting through the hoards of tourists and shoplifters in Primarks on Oxford Street, my girlfriend asks the shop assistant:
"E..." - via SpankyHanky
Helicopter Parents (236 stories) - "New Girlfriend When I was 19, I started dating a girl named Rachel who I met down my local. We’d been seeing each other for about 3 weeks when I sense..." - via Monkey the Chicken
Call Centres (526 stories) - "Sometimes, it pays to listen. First of all, everything written below is true and is virtually word-for-word a transcript of the conversation. I have c..." - via Undercovercarrot
Conspiracy theory nutters (261 stories) - "Not many people know this... This post has been removed by a moderator" - via notmyrealname
DIY Techno-hacks (272 stories) - "Wank alarm When I was 11, I was into electronics. My best ever project was to install Maplin type pressure pads around the house under the carpet, and..." - via I have run out of coke
School Projects (263 stories) - "Whoooooosh! At school, I was never particularly good at maths or science but I excelled at English (oh, those were the days).
When I was young and in..." - via MademoiselleDave
Food sex (261 stories) - "Twix of Doom My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a half years. A few weeks before we split up we went on a short break to Cartme..." - via nasalhair
Mobile phone disasters (354 stories) - "A happy tale My last few efforts on QOTW seem to be all fluffy and nice and unfortunately (perhaps) this is no exception.
There we were, blokes dr..." - via spikeypickle
The Dark (280 stories) - "We had only a couple of hours in which to see Dylan at the funeral home before the coffin had to be closed. Everyone who could be there looked at his ..." - via Juan Quar
Banks (404 stories) - "Long story of stubborn coppery hell Years of collecting coppers in a big jar until it finally reached the top. Conscientious as I am, I separate all t..." - via NickTervous
Gyms (250 stories) - "The Breaking of Farting Strings. When I was in my mega fit phase a few years ago (sadly I am now a bit of a fatty) I would try to push my body quite f..." - via powervator
Tramps (343 stories) - "Manchester Hobo - a tale of homelessness and happiness. He was a lovely chap and I'll call him Fred.
I first met Fred when he was sleeping on the ..." - via spikeypickle
Buses (378 stories) - "Revenge is a dish best served......eaten? Living in Non-UK European country and not having a driving license I get to travel the Pov wagon fairly ofte..." - via Bababoon
The Boss (313 stories) - "Crazy Steve There were 3 managers in a fast food place that I worked, two that loved their jobs and the other, Crazy Steve, who clearly didn't give a ..." - via Regger
That's me on TV! (334 stories) - "Da-duh, da-duh, da-duh-la-da..... BONG! I haven't previously mentioned this on here (which is surprising - for some reason, I end up telling most pe..." - via TheMagicDwarf
Festivals (378 stories) - "in which Phill Jupitus nearly steals my toy bee. So, due to a combination of intense poverty, surprising lameness of friends ["what do you MEAN you 'd..." - via Seventh
Unexpected Nudity (420 stories) - "Why I can never go back to Sweden
I'm married to a Swede. The blond type, not the root vegetable kind (although tubers possible have a better sense ..." - via voodo_kinky
Impulse buys (347 stories) - "Fearing my relationship was souring a little I bought a fuckton of sexy underwear to tempt him next time I saw him. He broke up with me before I got ..." - via beckyjsbx
Bullies (385 stories) - "I've been waiting to tell this story When I as at School, long ago.
There was a boy who I shouldn't name called Paul Bentley
He was bullied lots..." - via \/\/0R/\/\\/L\/S
Gambling (296 stories) - "How I Met Monty Stupid bets, you say? I've made a few of 'em. Most of these come about drunkenly between me and my friends, when my decision-making pr..." - via TheMagicDwarf
Turning into your parents (394 stories) - "I chanced upon this QOTW when I was feeling a bit down. I've just been to the local Mobility shop to browse their (admittedly fine, and extensive) ran..." - via Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam
Public Sex (406 stories) - "Sin at the cinema Regular readers of my posts may remember my university XXX-ex, who was always up for a gunky fumble. It took me a few months to brin..." - via cunt cat
I'm your biggest Fan (364 stories) - "University Challenge Ok, this QOTW was made for me, and if this doesn't make the top of the front page I will CRY.
Way back in...2003 I think it w..." - via grandmasterfluffles
Nightclubs (404 stories) - "Quim! There! I was once in one of Newcastle's classier* late night drinking establishments, of which there are many. It was a Wednesady night, which w..." - via Undercovercarrot
Unemployed (261 stories) - "DIRTY LAUNDRY Sometimes I manage to disgust myself. Was I really going to sink so low and put my plan in action?
Too fucking right I was.
And i..." - via SpankyHanky
Nativity Plays (331 stories) - "B3ta Nativity play, Act 1 Scene: classroom, B3ta Grant Maintained Primary School. Pasta and glitter glue CDCs adorn the walls. The teacher, Mr chthoni..." - via crackhouseceilidhband
God (554 stories) - "Let's get it out of the way A message to the believers:
No, ID does not have sound arguments, and its claims are bogus. In no sense are they compara..." - via Enzyme
The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis (403 stories) - "Dirty dirty... Back at some point in 2006, I visited a gay club. I'm not gay - but my friend of many, many years had recently come out and was constan..." - via Albert Marshmallow
Puns (782 stories) - "This QOTW reminds me of my schooldays Back when I was doing my GCSEs I really struggled to figure out how and when to get my studying done. Luckily t..." - via GarbageFan
Housemates (409 stories) - "The Colour Purple…
Disclaimer: Please get comfy…and you might want to get a cup of coffee / can of Redbull / gram of speed to keep you going thro..." - via Pooflake
Hypocrisy (451 stories) - "Dare I say…
Asking for QotW suggestions, then ignoring them all and putting your own forward?
" - via Pooflake
Darwin Awards (418 stories) - "Flaming balls of shit! I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I get together, we're positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shor..." - via lustfish
Pubs (518 stories) - "I've probably told this one before but it's my favourite bar story Me and my friends (a bunch of crusty grebos to a man) decided that for a bit of fun..." - via emvee
School Days (747 stories) - "The Headmaster I'll get it off my chest nice and early. You know the kid in class who always turned up early to lessons, handed homework in on time an..." - via FoxyBadger
The Credit Crunch (366 stories) - "That's gotta hurt I recently realised that I can't really afford to spend the money I used to spend on going to see Southend play football, as I now l..." - via scarpe
Things we do to fit in (262 stories) - "The day I became A MAN !!!
Twenty - odd years later this is still excruciatingly embarrassing to recall.
And I still haven't, and probably never..." - via SpankyHanky
Workplace Boredom (408 stories) - "sad this is what me and the bloke beside me made to mark the border between his desk space and mine:
edit: I've realised that this photo doesn'..." - via yes yes yes man
Siblings (356 stories) - "My youngest brother .xls at school. The oldest one's already a .doc. But the other one's a pdf file." - via apeloverage
Addicted (417 stories) - "I'm addicted to brake fluid, but do feel that I could stop at any time." - via oneinthepink
I'm going to Hell... (651 stories) - "Bloody Morphine I greeted my girlfriend's parents in the sterile lobby area at University Collage Hospital London. They looked tired. I looked tired..." - via SpankyHanky
Cougars and Sugar Daddies (405 stories) - "Getting a Marshmallow into a Piggybank. She was 46. I was 21. She had Bowie-esque angled features and a body not ruined by giving birth to her son, my..." - via trumplefahrt
Cringe! (784 stories) - "Licky licky About 10 years ago, I was at the dentists. I was laying there in the chair staring at the ceiling whilst he was using his instruments of t..." - via mugwump
Family codes and rituals (483 stories) - "Some family rituals are better cunted in the fuck Not a funny one.
Throughout my childhood, the only male member of my father's side of the family ..." - via Tourette's ( . )( . )
Procrastination (439 stories) - "I spent Sunday at home, in my pants, doing nothing ...well, up until around 11pm. My phone rang, which is weird since nobody EVER calls me. It came ..." - via GONEism
Stuff I've found (683 stories) - "we found a troll. A group of friends decide to spend a day on acid, one of them doesn't want to partake and says he'll pop round and see them later wh..." - via drshipman
Eccentrics (420 stories) - "Was it him or was it me? I'm still not quite sure who was the nuttier person in this situation, you decide.
Wiggly lines to simulate going back in..." - via Woofie
Tightwads (517 stories) - "My Bloody (Cheap) Valentine It was February 2006. I had been with my girlfriend for nearly four years. She was from Archangel in Northern Russia. She ..." - via Boss Keloid
Common (909 stories) - "With apologies to Julie Andrews Big hoopy earrings and slag tags on mothers
Corsas with alloys and lily-assed brovvaz
annoying ring tones, played on..." - via PJM
Spoilt Brats (431 stories) - "Some years ago I had about 10 months of unemployment, back in the days of REAL recession, not this namby-pamby bankers-running out-of-cash-because-the..." - via Captain Placid
The nicest thing someone's ever done for me (493 stories) - "Sheer coincidence My brother died at the age of 39 from inoperable stomach and bowel cancer. He was a lot older than me, and had moved out and joined..." - via Leo Sasquatch
My sex misconceptions (470 stories) - "Three's a crowd My sex misconception was that having my first threesome would be a good idea.
It didn’t happen by accident. One of my best mates, l..." - via cunt cat
Food sabotage (493 stories) - "Booze (or not) Working in a pub you meet lots of nice people, unfortunately you also have to suffer more than your fair share of cockends.
Now, I h..." - via monkeyboyalpha
Social Networking Gaffes (341 stories) - "Trannybo I am more of the email generation and wasn’t really down with the Facebook and Bebo thing until my mates pestered me to join Bebo.
So I j..." - via powervator
Customers from Hell (721 stories) - "Not a customer from hell... ...but I worked for a greedy company from hell. An insurance/pensions company I won't name.
Due to stock market shittin..." - via The Helpful Bear
Will you go out with me? (416 stories) - "My Childhood Sweetheart She had large brown eyes and long wavy hair worn in plaits tied with navy blue ribbons.
When she smiled the room lit up an..." - via Stiff Richard
My most gullible moment (597 stories) - "I briefly felt a pang of guilt There was a young girl where I used to work who spent the day obviously upset about something, you know little tears an..." - via TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt
Thrown away: The stuff you loved and lost. (656 stories) - "Innocence Lost! If found, please call! You might think that alcohol is a wonderful thing. I used to too. However, I was forced to changed my opini..." - via Devil_In_Tights
Blood (490 stories) - "My balls came off! My friend, lets call him Mike, for that is blah blah. His girlfriend Jane tells this story quite nicely. I shall recall.
Mike li..." - via I have run out of coke
Get Rich Quick (320 stories) - "Easy money? There is a simple formula, which goes thus:
1) Convince yourself that it's your right to be famous, by doing absolutely fuck all to des..." - via Davros' Granddad
Pointless Experiments (668 stories) - "The Tena for Women Assesment Test - (TWAT for short) Whilst having a conversation with one of my friends whilst 'slightly' inebriated, we were interu..." - via Spangulum
Best Films Ever (741 stories) - "Dave & I It was just a simple drinking game to go with watching an old favourite: Withnail & I. Keep up with Withnail, in essence, the bare essentials..." - via sorry.
Faking it (351 stories) - "I am a robotics genius (or so the Japanese think) A few years ago as a fresh faced graduate I a got my first “proper” job in a secondary school. The s..." - via PhillieJoe
Tales of the Unexplained (611 stories) - "The landlord and his dog I once knew a chap called Jim. Jim was a landlord who ran a small village pub with his wife Betty. They were a wonderful coup..." - via cunt cat
My Biggest Disappointment (593 stories) - "I was 13 I was sitting in my bedroom overlooking the street. It was getting dark, but I was bored and listless and couldn't be arsed to get up to turn..." - via althegeordie
Advice from Old People (574 stories) - "I used to be a manager in a pub in South Yorks Everyday this old boy would come in and drink his Guinness and whiskey chasers. The female staff all h..." - via bennyhillslovechild
Accidental innuendo (1062 stories) - "Teacher gets owned by a 12 year old Unfortunately the teacher was me.
A couple of years back I was teaching in a rather deprived area to say the leas..." - via knackerz
What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped? (321 stories) - "Three years. Before the nutcase mentioned in a previous QOTW (http://www.b3ta.com/questions/stalked/post119130 for the fun and hilarity) there was... ..." - via Matoosh
Public Transport Trauma (494 stories) - "I am posting this for the Chav on the 163 Last year, during the Rugby world cup, I was on my local bus going to the pub to watch the England match. On..." - via KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO
I Quit! (374 stories) - "Pretend suicide Now this turned out harsher than I expected, but seemed a cracking idea at the time.
I was young, hacked off, and as young and hack..." - via gibbleh
This book changed my life (678 stories) - "The big book of mischief The below happened when three or four months before my 16th Birthday.
It must of taken at least an hour to download the tx..." - via KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO
My most treasured possession (508 stories) - "my trunk It's an old wooden trunk of the kind taken to sea by sailors of yore. I keep it at the foot of my bed and it's stashed with a lifetime of cur..." - via frankspencer
Pet Peeves (1300 stories) - "Here's some actual stuff There are several issues I would like to address but I don’t have strong enough views on them each to fill a post and make it..." - via MJPerry
When Animals Attack (771 stories) - "The Attack of the Unimaginative Repeating Twat-Sloth ....
Bastard thing has struck 4 times this year so far...
I never usually stoop to this..." - via Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Kids (818 stories) - "I have little day to day contact with children but one instance that does stick in the mind happened a few months ago.
I was at my desk wading thr..." - via Leonard Hatred
Phobias (1082 stories) - "The smell of baby oil gives me the shivers And if you want the story why...
(It is a repost, but the QOTW ain't exactly thrilling my cotton socks o..." - via Pavlov's Frog
DIY disasters (356 stories) - "Expandy Foam, Part II After my exciting tale of foam-based trouble, www.b3ta.com/questions/diy/post137148 comes this story of woe.
A friend of mine..." - via Cawl
Shit Stories: Part Number Two (618 stories) - "Glycerol Explosions If there's ever a question that calls for TMI, this is it.
Normally, I'm a reasonably regular kind of guy. No problems down the..." - via calamarain
Your first cigarette (503 stories) - "Ending The Smoking Debate If, like me, you're a staunch non-smoker tired of hearing the (unprompted) rantings of smokers over their right to smoke, do..." - via Orin
Guilty Pleasures, part 2 (730 stories) - "running up the stairs using my hands as well as my feet
LOVE IT!!" - via zulu
How nerdy are you? (767 stories) - "Time To Grow Up And Get Married I could bore you all with thrilling tails of BBC Micro programming, mobile phone USSD commands, obscure Mornington Cre..." - via terryeden
Have you ever seen a dead body? (475 stories) - "official morbid question Chill-Out Tent Click 'I like this' if the question's done your head in, man, and you just want to look at pictures of kittens..." - via apeloverage
Karma (370 stories) - "greed One Christmas I was investigating the fridge when I discovered a huge bowl of brandy butter.
I was about to reap the rewards of my find, when..." - via browser
I witnessed a crime (514 stories) - "Not my story... ...but one of my favourites.
Many years ago, some of my friends used to do the rubber-sword live action RP - dressing up as orcs an..." - via davywavy
Mix Tapes (442 stories) - "No woman, no cry
/pop/un-lurks.
Hi there, I’ve been lurking almost a year now, trying to get up the bottle to post my one and only story worth te..." - via A Bean Countin' Man
Stalked (334 stories) - "My tale, and the guilt that follows My first ever b3ta post, after I registered specifically so I could tell this tale.
I was once a stalker and it..." - via TalkbackStuck
Bastard Colleagues (466 stories) - "Directors and Managers are by far the worst. This is simply a rant about directors and managers who think themselves higher than royalty, higher than ..." - via Miggyman
Hotel Splendido (382 stories) - "Scotland?! I've just remembered this Many moons ago I had to go to the Isle of Bute in the wintertime for a very boring acoustic survey of a cheese fa..." - via Captain Placid
Shoplifting (486 stories) - "Shoplift... Storeslift.. its all the same Sport. Worked in engineering stores of a West Sussex based airline, they go belly up owing me a months wages..." - via Eeeza bit Tidy
Cheap Tat (469 stories) - "My dutch bike I spent part of my university years at the Universiteit Leiden, in Holland. Now Holland is even bigger on bikes than Oxford or Cambridge..." - via Powerpuff Boy
Dumb things you've done (782 stories) - "Some people shouldn't be allowed to teach This was recalled by someone much earlier telling tales of scientists doing stupid things.
For my sins, I..." - via ousgg
Evil Pranks (566 stories) - "The Game About 5 years ago, I was entrusted with the task of looking after my sister's cats over the new year while she and her boyfriend spent a mont..." - via roidoid
Accidental animal cruelty (618 stories) - "Bimbo and the bowl. This story concerns two friends of my parents; Nick and Jill.
Nick is a good humoured guy of great patience. Jill is extremely ..." - via brackishboy
Pathological Liars (551 stories) - "Seats on the Tube First some background.
A few years ago, I came off my motorbike and ripped a chunk out of my knee. All superficial damage, but ..." - via Kaer
Political Correctness Gone Mad (643 stories) - "My Son's Dog. A couple of years ago I got my son, who was six at the time, a dog. I’d read something about children who get brought up with pets being..." - via spangledonkey
Desperate Times (367 stories) - "I'm just a two bit whore... Regular QOTWeekers will notice a common theme in many of my postings. That being that I am monumentally, catastrophically ..." - via Rakky (forgot her password)
Abusing freebies (387 stories) - "Wet Snacks Long time listener, first time caller.
I was DJing at a wedding a number of years back in a very small town in Scotland, about 2 miles f..." - via Cheeses of Nazareth
Stupid Dares (326 stories) - "This one's from a while ago. I was on the pool team. We were fairly rubbish, but had bonded well, and spent a fair few hours in the pub together. Wh..." - via Occulus
Expensive Mistakes (338 stories) - "I.T. is a minefield for expensive mistakes There's so many different ways to screw up. The best you can hope for in a support role is to be invisible...." - via cunt cat
Conned (469 stories) - "Did I win or not? Picture the scene…
Bristol Temple Meads station, wino-smack head approaches and says, 'Mate, I'm short of my train fare home, can..." - via Mullered
Voyeurism (395 stories) - "Recently I saw a fat, hairy, odd-looking man wanking whilst watching me when I was naked in the bathroom.
.
.
.
Oh, it was a mirror." - via sir_spicious2000
Insults (1474 stories) - "The B3ta Guide to sweary Insults 101 Right then children, are we sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. The general tried and trusted insult ty..." - via Pooflake
The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade (688 stories) - "I murdered a director I used to work for a company that was run by academics. Marketing types would ring speculatively and, being academics, they hate..." - via Jugular
Being told off as an adult (453 stories) - "Act of God! We live on a cul-de-sac on a typical 60's housing estate, it's a great place to live, the dozen or so kids are not glue sniffing ASBO's, a..." - via turtles head is touching cloth
Personal Ads (786 stories) - "Match.com I wanted to use the Kasey Chambers song title (yes, I know!) "If I were you, I would notice me" as my headline.
It cut me off, so hotties..." - via setimret
Too much information (439 stories) - "Ahh, festival bogs T'was the summer of 1999, and my first ever Leeds Festival was in full swing. It was ace lazing around, watching bands, getting sh..." - via Droog
Guilty Secrets (538 stories) - "I ruined a kids day trip As an experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I have gained a invaluable insight into the problems of public transport. T..." - via Furness
Sleepwalking (848 stories) - "Got a great one I woke up to hear some stranger noises coming from downstairs at an old girlfriend's place.
I went halfway down the stairs to find..." - via Donkey Gums
Terrible Parenting (602 stories) - "Dont fuck with lawyers My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He loves nothing better than annoying people and suppliers who piss him off, nothin..." - via I have run out of coke
Why should you be fired from your job? (357 stories) - "Repost (so don't bother clicking "I like this"), but it did well last time so enjoy... I should have been fired (or at least disciplined).
5 years ..." - via Colonel Dracula
Family Holidays (280 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at..." - via R. Jimlad
Council Cunts (451 stories) - "Have you been trapped in the relentless petty minded bureaucracy of your local council? No, but these council workers will soon realise they have been..." - via turtles head is touching cloth
I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock) (354 stories) - ""I bet you won't" "Really? I bet I will!"
*****************************
Two friends and I were in the woods, as usual shooting bunnies for the l..." - via Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
* PFFT * (549 stories) - "Gurning out a rectal-puff in a supermarket is not big, nor clever, yet quite amusing. I was strolling through Tescos with my trolly and suddenly I fel..." - via Captn Hood-Butter
Crazy Relatives (487 stories) - "the adorable sweetness of my granddad's brainwrongness My granddad used to leave pudding out in the garden.
Slightly mental in itself, of course. ..." - via Confused, would we?
Why I was late (438 stories) - "Oktoberfest From: $Manager
Sent: Donnerstag, 28. September 2006 12:29
To: REC
Subject: Re: Where are you?!
REC, its already noon and you have no..." - via ReallyEvilCanine
What's the most horrific thing you've seen? (609 stories) - "Oh dear lord, dear lord above This is a story from my dad, and it is so gruesome it gives me an instant headache and the cold shivers whenever I think..." - via Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam
The worst sex I ever had (530 stories) - "Fishy Mimsy.. and absoloutly NOT for the reason you'd expect... Despite having slept with terrible shags, potato-sack stylee lovers, people who raked ..." - via Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Pet Stories (548 stories) - "My cat Leonard He's got to be in with a shout of being the best cat ever.
Shortly after moving into our house in 2000, Ex-Mrs PJM and I decided t..." - via PJM
Mistaken Identity (594 stories) - "Mistaken Identity I was once at a foam party at a club in Leeds. As the foam got thicker I wondered drukardly further into the depths to see if I coul..." - via Furness
And that's the thanks I got (230 stories) - "I should have put the phone down... I am sorry to all those saddled with mad bosses, and rubbish jobs. Mine is great. I'm on the radio. No I really am..." - via rockers74
Terrible food (599 stories) - "Badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom! This is one of the most horrible stories I have ever heard. It features, as you can guess, Students and Badge..." - via 71 hour Ahmed
Work Experience (369 stories) - "Seven days make one weak... From the bowels of Lincolnshire, I was the only person in my school year to get work experience down in London. Everyone w..." - via jangle
Best Graffiti Ever (1374 stories) - "Street signs! Recontextualising such a common fixture as a street sign has a huge effect. It is simultaneously inconspicuous and memorable.
I w..." - via Random Ferret
Well, that taught 'em (402 stories) - "Every week... ...I read QOTW and find pages of bloody awful puns by apeloverage.
So I clicked "Ignore"
That certainly taught him!
*cough* I ..." - via Scaryduck
We have to talk (351 stories) - "They fuck me up, his mum and dad... I'd been going out with my then boyfriend for nearly a year. Two days after both going out to Israel to start our..." - via Hampster Squared
Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You (415 stories) - "I'll let you into a little secret. You know that fit bird on the dancefloor you’d die to knob? She's spent hours slimming, toning, waxing, plucking, b..." - via no way hose
Housemates from hell (374 stories) - ":( Caught wanking by sexy female flatmate over a picture of herself (Procuring it is another story indeed, let it be said it involved copius consumpti..." - via Alexxx
Childhood Ambitions (416 stories) - "Comedy Gold I had all the usual ambitions as a child; footballer, astronaut, milkshake tester, professional strip poker player, being Mr. T, sex pest,..." - via Gleeballs
Personal Hygiene (573 stories) - "Me tits hurt I have one for you all. A mate of mine is a real, honest-to-dog doctor. At the beginning of his career, he acted as a locum doctor in G..." - via lustfish
Cross Dressing (329 stories) - "The things kids say... I was obliged to escort a young cousin about town one day. The little lad was from the countryside and had led a very sheltere..." - via frankspencer
Strict Parents (476 stories) - "Jesus, where do I start? My parents were horrid, truly horrid. One example is when I had left school at 16 and before I started college in September ..." - via different_maybe
Picky Eaters (843 stories) - "Mince I used to work with a guy. Lenny. I’m not saying he was tight but . . . duck’s posterior doesn’t do him justice. Single, never married, as rich..." - via SalRossi
When were you last really scared? (477 stories) - "the shame At uni we did this:
Grabbed a mate from behind and put a sack over his head, and tied him up. He had no idea who we were. We were very ag..." - via I have run out of coke
Ripped Off (496 stories) - "Divorce Lawyers..... I'm sure I can't be the only one with a story like this:
I'm in the midst of getting divorced. It's all amicable, we've agreed..." - via Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou
Spoooky Coincidence (515 stories) - "Car-incidence Friend of my mum's, called Cassie (so not me, but it's such a freakishly coincidental coincidence it quite frankly terrifies me)
Long..." - via Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam
Other people's diaries (310 stories) - "My Brother Myself and my brother never got on. Hate each other with a passion, and still do.
So that's why I came up with this little bit of cruel..." - via Kaer
My first experience of porn (454 stories) - "Operation: Buy Porn Buying porn mags from newsagents was one of the scariest things a young man had to go through. You internet-generation kids will n..." - via SqueakyG
The Weird Kid In Class (527 stories) - "From my mate Alex
I'd like to tell you about a childhood friend of mine, who upon reflection was very strange, but at the time was the best friend a..." - via Donkey Gums
My Collection (439 stories) - "Hmmmmmmm... Nescafe
As a kid, my brother once tried collecting his farts. He approached the whole business quite scientifically; for a maladjusted..." - via geegee
Failed (388 stories) - "failed commando Story from the old man.
Apparently aged 14 and out with his school on a camping trip. The man in charge is their ex-army PE instruc..." - via Darth Vegas
Where is the strangest place you have slept? (526 stories) - "On a very large pile of lego there's nothing quite like waking up, half drunk, half hungover, looking in the mirror and seeing the word ogel imprinted..." - via Monkeysex
Secret Santa (246 stories) - "OK. One more time ... There's a girl in my office who's been flirting with me for weeks. It started with smiles, then progressed to tight blouses, t..." - via frankspencer
School Trips (458 stories) - "Please, Miss! You're on my cock! It was a geography trip to a local forest to show us how deciduous trees grow, or some such shite. The only good th..." - via frankspencer
Body Mods (303 stories) - "I used to be into Black Metal My name back then was "Doom Master" (changed by deed poll) and I was completely committed to Darkness. That's why I did..." - via frankspencer
Debt pron (393 stories) - "free money This post is quite apt for this qotw.
All these banks who charge £30 for going £5 over your limit are not allowed to do it. Ask for it b..." - via daveshane
Beautiful but Bonkers (344 stories) - "Where do you start?! We’ll call her Beautiful Bob, The relationship started off really well, I was doing 2 jobs 1 being the local IT guy for all the y..." - via Kip
Going Too Far (449 stories) - "i'm going to hell. have just stagered gome af sast as i can from party
still very drunk
it's 1:16 am here.
have just shagged my mate's girlfriend o..." - via Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Dentists (382 stories) - "A Riposte
I am a dentist and I feel that a response to some of your tales (some of which sound rather overly elaborated) is required;
1) Many o..." - via Calfderno
Not Losing Your Virginity (300 stories) - "My first love Lucy and I were inseparable. We used to go for long walks together and I'd spend hours stroking her back, which she loved. She was absol..." - via Beve The Spaniard
Useless advice (591 stories) - "....mmmm creamy On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"" - via Darth Vegas
Road Rage (490 stories) - "JUST got off the phone to my Dad He was in Jewsons (the builders' merchant) when some spastic in a massive pickup (a new Mitsubishi Warrior, in immac..." - via Grrrmachine
My Greatest Regrets (427 stories) - "I thought it was a fart. It wasn't." - via Monkey the Chicken
Inappropriate crushes (568 stories) - "Ahem.. Speaking from my very own mouth, I can tell you that I’m quite the heterosexual man. I love women. I love their bodies. I love kissing women on..." - via The Horizontal Monster Mash
Oldies vs Computers (341 stories) - "we aren't all computer geeks and this is the geekiest most pointless urban legend producing geekfest ever (God alone knows what fucking Legless The Ma..." - via disasterprone
Unexpected Good Fortune (324 stories) - "Well, I was surprised, anyhow I went on an date with someone I'd been chatting to on an internet dating thing - and found Mrs. God. We're still happi..." - via purplegod
The Worst Journey in the World (382 stories) - "Virgin Sorry folks. Long story coming………
A while back I used to live in Manchester but work in London so it meant a weekly commute down to the smok..." - via Legless
Barred (313 stories) - "Free CD bonanza A bit of a geeky one this… I'm still (6 years on) barred from buying anything from Amazon.co.uk, when I enter my address it mysterious..." - via Son of Sam-i-am
DIY fashion (275 stories) - "not so much a fashion disaster As something really cool, but only to people who are themselves fashion disasters.
" - via apeloverage
Apparently I'm a sex offender (303 stories) - "This still makes me cringe I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and there were a couple of women opposite me that were clearly partners. One was a lo..." - via browser
Running away (197 stories) - "I don't want the navy treatment My dad was in the navy and was quite strict with me and my brothers (mainly because we were a bunch of hyperactive sod..." - via Squirter
Encounters with Royalty (328 stories) - "Prince William stole my job I had just finished a Masters course & was desperate to get work experience on a research project called Shoals of Caprico..." - via daytripper
Intense Friendships (150 stories) - "Tokyo
Just remembered this one. It's too funny not to share.
I've had a fair few "best mates" over the years but one of the greatest was "Millage..." - via Legless
Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my! (279 stories) - "I used to work at McDonalds And if customers pissed me off, I'd give them the items on the menu that they'd ordered." - via apeloverage
I hurt my rude bits (452 stories) - "Y-front Kerplunk... Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants. Dunno wha..." - via tinpixel
Lies I told on my CV (189 stories) - "CVs! I occasionally have to do the technical interviews for people who want to come and work with whatever company I'm at so I see a lot of CVs.
Sa..." - via Legless
Rock and Roll Stories (360 stories) - "You either love him or hate him... Yes, I have been in a band but never really had any truly “Rock and Roll” experiences (apart from a Derek Smalls in..." - via Mr Evian
The most cash I've ever carried (297 stories) - "Last week... ...I went out with a big wad of Euros to buy eleven French impressionist paintings that I'd wanted for a long time. Afterwards, I notice..." - via Olembe
Mugged (360 stories) - "don't mug yourself I work in Hackney. This place is where good muggers go when they die. Too many stories.
The best was when I was waiting for a bu..." - via sadler
Awesome Sickies (302 stories) - "Reverse Sickies Last time I wanted a sickie, I was actually SICK...! Start of a bad headache and I tells wifey - "Shit, don't feel good. Head is pound..." - via Sir Jester
Missing body parts (340 stories) - "My frontal lobe No not that one you filthy minded cretins, the rather important part of your brain.
Back when I still lived with my mum, I was sitt..." - via Bellamy's Enemy
Never Meet Your Heroes (511 stories) - "I had tea with that Brian Blessed once…. About 15 years ago my mate Bruce and I had a mutual friend who knew Brian Blessed’s daughter (Rosalind) and f..." - via Diddster
Worst Nicknames Ever (954 stories) - "Sticks and stones (and coathangers) It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of years back that I look like a foetus (small features, big forehead.) ..." - via jennymnemonic
Putting the Fun in Funeral (357 stories) - "Dad had died... his coffin was brought back to the house... ... so people could pay their last respects.
During the last weeks as he was sedated b..." - via Error 404 - Username Unknown
Ignoring Instructions (389 stories) - "Do not click 'I like this!' " - via Lightguy
Crap meals out (402 stories) - "Every sodding family meal since the age of six... ...my Dad feels the compelling need to trot out his array of "hilarious" restaurant jokes.
Someon..." - via R. Jimlad
Messing with the Dark Side (326 stories) - "Adramelech! When I was about 11, I borrowed a book from the local library called 'The Devils of D-Day' - a book on how the allies called upon supernat..." - via squirrels emit silent screams
Teenage Parties (404 stories) - "not too exciting had a party, people found the dress up box (you heard), it was awesome.
on the downside, friends drunk my dads beer and opened £20 b..." - via woo who?
Heckles (582 stories) - "Not mine. A friend of mine went to a Comedy club in Birmingham somewhere. A drunk bloke at the front kept interrupting the stand-up turn who was appar..." - via Rotating Wobbly Hat
School Sports Day (292 stories) - "third leg Remember the three-legged race?
Aged about 15 I got tied to the best looking girl in the year for an inter-school sports day. She gave me..." - via Boss Killer
In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces (276 stories) - "Please remind yourselves that i was 14 and it was cadets. Drill Instructor - Get up the rope!
Me. - Sir, i cannot get up the rope, Sir!
Drill In..." - via I'm a schmuck, i did a schmucky thing.
I met a weirdo on the interweb (248 stories) - "Looking to find other musicians I used to have a few songs up on MP3.com - way back in 1999.
A couple of years later I was still getting emails thr..." - via Seebeedee
School fights (421 stories) - "Full Beanbag Jacket
Picture the scene:
A quiet little borough of South London, and an equally quiet junior school, whose crowning achievement was..." - via Danage
Airport Stories (353 stories) - "I was traumatised for life Last year In an act of desperation I took a contract job in Saudi Arabia. After hearing all sorts of rumours I was pretty w..." - via Mong The Merciless
Sacked (306 stories) - "i was sacked for being a shit, but a proud one I used to work for a chain of pubs, Yates, and basically was a pump jockey for a couple of weeks until ..." - via lunus
Child Labour (271 stories) - "We wish you a merry pissmas A few of us tykes used to go carol singing round our council estate each December. Lots of very nice people gave us sweets..." - via Soapy Norris
My computer gave away my secrets (280 stories) - "Apologies to my 12-year-old nephew On google autocomplete whilst on his computer:
billy and mandy rude pics
bitch
boner
boobs
breists
cock
co..." - via Naive Amoeba
Accidentally Erotic (416 stories) - "Preliminary Oral Exams for my PhD VERY stressful! I studied for months. I was to go before six full professors who would decide if I was good enough..." - via setimret
Join us... come join the cult (207 stories) - "What a question... Yes I've been part of a cult. I may as well tell you the story from the top.
Cast your minds back to a time when you were 18, j..." - via jim_bob
Have you ever paid for sex? (263 stories) - "Well, I Suppose Yes... A few years ago a bunch of Mancs and me, the token Geordie went over to Amsterdam for a mates Stag Night. We had a cracking wee..." - via Legless
Fancy Dress (303 stories) - "This year I dressed as ...
Or here if that image is blocked." - via chobb
Urban Legends (523 stories) - "I Didn't Have The Foggiest! I have relatives who live in Blackpool and so have visited the lovely (charvery) place many, many times throughout my life..." - via Gleeballs
Panic Buying (153 stories) - "Two years ago, my dad called to say he and my mum were 'popping round' as she really wated to see me on her birthday and I "hadn't bothered" to call i..." - via grey kid
It's not me, it's the drugs talking (529 stories) - "At Leeds festival a couple of years ago we were standing towards the back of the crowd, watching The Strokes. I say 'watching'; I couldn't really see ..." - via grey kid
Birthdays (223 stories) - "19th birthday Had my 19th birthday while I was at Keele University and, by a happy coincidence, the same day there was a bash on at the student union ..." - via calibrax
On the stage (245 stories) - "Aged 15, a 600-strong audience of peers, and a trombone Solo. Put yourself in my position. Here's a moment from my past.
Imagine for one moment tha..." - via Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Shame (460 stories) - "Paying The Bill My most shameful moment, without a shadow of a doubt, occurred roughly ten years ago. To cut a massive story slightly shorter, growing..." - via Gleeballs
Cheating cheaty cheats (268 stories) - "Once, on a long train journey ... my brother and I were playing Travel Guess Who. During a particuarly competitive round I felt a tap-tap-tapping on m..." - via Newton Crosby
Your Weirdest Teacher (604 stories) - "wales v england it's not wierd, but it deserves an honourable mention...
Two English teachers, one specialising in Language, the other Literature. ..." - via niceandwarmandhot
Fire! (453 stories) - "flaming bosoms never try and ignite a dodgy hob whilst wearing a dressing gown.
fancying a breakfast fry-up, I turned on the gas, pushed the ignit..." - via biscuitbiscuit
Essential Items (441 stories) - "Lucky Silver Dollar I was given an American Silver dollar by my dad when i was young. I carry it with me everywhere. When i was in Baghdad a couple of..." - via Thursday Sugar Bowl
My first love (305 stories) - "It's another true love story (well it's TRUE at least) OK, so most people put this at the end, but Apologies for length - here goes:
She was just a..." - via Amos E Wolfe
The passive-aggressive guilt trip (165 stories) - "Don't trouble yourselves clicking 'I Like This!' I've decided I don't want to win this week's question so don't bother voting for me. Sure it would be..." - via Gleeballs
Misunderstood (331 stories) - "I apologise and assure you I will no longer submit long, nonsensical answers In the light of last week's QOTW, in which several b3tans took the opport..." - via stusut79
Pretentious bollocks (411 stories) - "pix anything in a photographic gallery with a couple of hundred words of bollocks underneath, inevitably including the word "semiotics" ... woo, 3rd
..." - via writerblock
The Police (348 stories) - "the price of death i was merrily cycling my way to my first job, in the pitch dark at 4 in the morning.
whilst darting off the pavement i cut up jam ..." - via furey
Posh (410 stories) - "I carry pictures of the queen in my pocket every day, and get this, some of the pictures are on metal.
I often also tend to hand these out to youn..." - via Chance1234
Take my Mother-in-law... (219 stories) - "I wish she was mine!!! I'm not allowed to have a mother-in-law on account of me being 'an horrific bender(tm)' so instead I can only tell you about my..." - via Gleeballs
Toilets (558 stories) - "Barium Shits. Years ago I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and had to go for hospital for tests, the main one being a Barium Meal.
Now this is a ..." - via Legless
Scary Neighbours (400 stories) - "Student Neighbours
A long, long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away.
I was living in Manchester and having an absolute whale of a time. It was du..." - via Legless
Injured Siblings (425 stories) - "I confess... When I was seven years of age, I used to beg my mother for a little brother or sister. My main reason, at the time, was that I desperatel..." - via stusut79
Teenage Poetry (407 stories) - "Not My Pancreas Why, oh why, oh why
Do the girls not talk to me?
Is it my ears? They droop. The lobes are prominent
Like bulbous, fleshy eardogs...." - via stusut79
Crappy Prizes (393 stories) - "Grab A Grot Me and my sidekick, Denty, used to often go out on the pull in Manchester. When I say often I mean every night except Thursdays and Sunday..." - via Legless
Weird Traditions (542 stories) - "Weird tradition of mine Every time I see a herd of cows I always say to whoever is with me "look a flock of cows" and await the response of "herd of c..." - via creeper
That's when I knew it was over... (390 stories) - "that's when it SHOULD have been over... ... if i had any sense.
those of you who bother to read the drivel i post on here will know that i am on-ag..." - via rachelswipe
Weddings (299 stories) - "This image is still burned onto my retinas....
Mate of mine was marrying his lovely Italian girlfriend in her home country. Her folks were very devo..." - via scunny delight
Stupid Tourists (804 stories) - "Overheard in dublin: Two lost overweight North Americans wandering O'Connell Street looking for somewhere on the southside, looking confused.
Wife..." - via WhoElse
Hidden Treasure (395 stories) - "Found in my attic a very nice aluminium baseball bat which has been waved at the local chavs to keep them in line from time to time.
I left some tr..." - via boltneck
I'm an expert (548 stories) - "i quite good at typing the letter T,
for example:
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
TTTT..." - via tyler198125
Now, there was no need for that... (317 stories) - "Bloody animals... I had just split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was quite traumatic. Having had 'th..." - via clapper
I was drunk when I bought this (376 stories) - "*sigh* I bought a swede for 3p from my local tesco express on my way home from an afternoon session. Then I drew a face on it. Then I wrote "steve the..." - via TopUpTheTea
When animals attack... (609 stories) - "I used to come home from work most nights and find my flatmate playing Quake 2 on the PC in my bedroom. As these were generally clan matches I would n..." - via Jay
The Onosecond (385 stories) - "Spoofing SMS Not a lot of people know how to do this so I'll share.
A couple of years ago I was involved in a start-up company (alright, I owned th..." - via Legless
When I met the parents (379 stories) - "1st time I met my girlfriend's parents there was a barrage of intense questioning within seconds of arriving
"Have you slept with Julie yet?"
"Do ..." - via Zak McFlimby
Jobsworths (430 stories) - "Reading Rock In the early 80's I used to attend the Reading Rock Festival every year. It used to be the highlight of my year, a week of stoned pissed ..." - via Legless
Petty Sabotage (608 stories) - "Not me, but a school friend of my dad's.... Back in the 50's during my dad's school days there was no such thing as borstal and ASBO's and japery was ..." - via TooMuch2AM
How I Skive Off Work (389 stories) - "i like to.. click my own 'i like this' button all day
when i appear on the final 'top' page, i like to think its cos i'm witty and have friends
..." - via 5lab
It was a great holiday, but... (318 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at..." - via R. Jimlad
The last thing that made me cry (602 stories) - "Dyslecsia I have a lot of problems due to my dyslexia, such as reading things. But I was close to tears when I found out Popeye had died last week. Lu..." - via RandomTwat
Guilty Pleasures (737 stories) - "Utterly Childish and Pointless I take great joy in bumping into people who wear camouflage gear - t-shirts, caps, trousers etc, and then apologising t..." - via Strangey
I just don't get it (883 stories) - "Toast My mother was useless in the kitchen.
When I was about 10, I honestly thought you made toast by putting it under the grill until it turns bla..." - via Legless
Walkman Flashbacks (414 stories) - "Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood always makes me cringe I used to have very long hair, half way down my back. On my 35th birthday, my missus said sh..." - via peewee13
Useless Information (1217 stories) - "Wearing out the b3ta website Clicking the "I like this" link below ten times in a row makes the b3ta website show a secret message about wear and tear..." - via Fr_Jerry_McGwier
Beautiful Moments (449 stories) - "It was a beautiful, crisp morning in a camp-site near Rothbury, Northumberland. I awoke to the sound of birds singing and the invigorating feeling of ..." - via Zak McFlimby
Losing Your Virginity (402 stories) - "First time, brown wings and firearms My old University mate Doug lost his cherry to a girl he had met in his local while his parents were on holiday.
..." - via Catchag
Claims to Fame (830 stories) - "The Bill Until recently and for my sins I used to watch the Bill on ITV with my wife every week.
In 2003 they introduced this a new WPC into the seri..." - via Catchag
Little things that turn you on (633 stories) - "I find it really nice when people click my "I Like This!" button.
Prr." - via Malchick
Look! It's me in the Local Paper (262 stories) - "I suppose this should go in really!
:o)" - via The Boy T
Scars with history (530 stories) - "Wanking Nightmare. I posted this months ago... I now re-post with more scar detail.
I never realised that the 'cock rings' that I regularly saw in ..." - via Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Singing the wrong words (667 stories) - "Clarkie's Gay Beatles Songs My mate Clarkie has devoted many childishly wonderful hours to altering the titles of Beatles songs so that they're, well,..." - via BobbyParadise
Job Interviews (313 stories) - "Hemipenis! Twas applying for a desk job once, and the interviewer was a good sort, nice sense of humour.
Interviewer: What animal would you like to..." - via DarkLite
Black Sheep (162 stories) - "black sheep It should really be my sister since it came out last year that she had starred in some amateur hardcore videos..
However, it turns out ..." - via Aleister Crowleys Badger
Pure Ignorance (1043 stories) - "Chat up lines My flatmate's bosses son came to stay with us in Bermondsey, South London - he was an 18 year old from Los Angeles. He was unbelievably ..." - via browser
My Christmas Nightmare (127 stories) - "True but tasteless paramedic humor... Was near the end of a ten-hour shift last Christmas Day and was all ready to head home to unwrap pressies with t..." - via emadex
Office Christmas Parties (240 stories) - "Humbug I use to write porn for a 24 hour text message service. I'm a man, but I'd pretend very convincingly to be a woman as I replied to men paying p..." - via pb4ugo2bed
Childhood bad taste (387 stories) - "LEGO: Rantus Maximus. The bastards... Everywhere I go I see lego sets with "special shapes" and Specificly shaped parts.... model "technic lego" cars ..." - via Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Lost... (297 stories) - "Doh... I once found a £20 quid note on the floor of a bar next to my feet...in my glee i treated everyone to a round of lovely cocktails. Only when i..." - via Smartie
Near Death Experiences (353 stories) - "Grenade! My mate Jez went to Spain on his holidays. Instead of bringing back a fluffy donkey in a sombrero, he brought back a Civil War surplus German..." - via Scaryduck
Premonitions (318 stories) - "My good how odd Well i had this dream where I was typing on my keyboard for this amusing forum and my house blew up and then I fo" - via stefd
You're a moviestar baby (406 stories) - "gay, but not in a happy way. Last week, those two gay Scottish interior designers were filming in the house across the road from my flat. They were fi..." - via Jeeves
Obscure Memorabilia (422 stories) - "You know you're getting old when you're too slow to post your reply to the latest question of the week" - via born sleepy
Evidence that you're getting old (627 stories) - "/unlurks 1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in th..." - via Grey Triggerfish
My Worst Date (270 stories) - "Argh, the memories!! =( I remember in my first year of college, I got my first proper boyfriend. On the start of the second week I was brought to meet..." - via owain2002
Out of my depth (235 stories) - "More Military Humiliation To "boost" morale for the troops stationed in the middle of the desert with a ratio of 6,000 men to 1 woman, the Commanding ..." - via Igneous
Things you've done when you've had no money. (225 stories) - "It's a good thing none of you know who I am No money? A girl? (Or not so finicky boy?) Simple! Blow jobs. They're fast, easy, no mess if you dodge ..." - via TDub
Strange things you've been paid to do (248 stories) - "rats! ooh and my animal loving flatmate was most excited to be given the job of looking after the university rats at kcl.
she came home in tears t..." - via rachelswipe
Shoddy Presents (333 stories) - "Sent, not received My family lived in France for 4 years before returning to Scotland, so we would keep in touch with our french friends through the o..." - via Flurble
Local Nutters (568 stories) - "The Cowboy I went to uni at Wolverhampton, and there was a bloke who wandered around in a full cowboy outfit (big hat, leather chaps, waistcoat, guns,..." - via Zak McFlimby
World's Sickest Joke (2375 stories) - "I offended someone with this: I was in a pub and told the following joke:
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your cloth..." - via <>Dog
Embarrassing Injuries (442 stories) - "Arse Rip I was a first year university student at Derby university, England, when this happened. Me and three mates were enjoying a bright sunny afte..." - via bobba
People with Stupid Names (825 stories) - "I once met a guy whose name sounded very much like a rather rude part of the human body, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Rest ass..." - via TV's Nosemonkey
My Worst Vomit (502 stories) - "Nobody vomits like a kid vomits..... About five years ago, our eldest daughter - who was about two at the time - came toddling into the living room lo..." - via Desolation Angel
World's Most Hated Food (678 stories) - "I live in Sweden..... ... and it pains me to tell you this, but I have eaten "SurStrömming".
Sprouts are like cadbury's chocolate... and Smoked Eel (..." - via Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way? (213 stories) - "woof My friend had been shagging a girl for a couple of weeks on and off & naturally we were all keen to meet/assess her (see how many teeth she had m..." - via AJ_23
Stuff You've Overheard (361 stories) - "Some More Bus Fun... It was two years ago on the 'park and ride' bus coming back from college in the evening. I had wisely decided to sit at the back,..." - via damndirtyape
My Wanking Disasters (334 stories) - "Working in Tesco's a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for abou..." - via AJ_23
Mini Cabs From Hell (168 stories) - "Small blue tablets and a red Ferrari: Where the hell was I?
Somewhere in the north I think. OK, imagine the cabbie is a northerner:
Cabbie: "Do ..." - via Your Mum
Your Greatest Dilemmas (107 stories) - "Dear Tania, I think my friend Rob is on crack. He's asked b3tans to write questions to you and *not* take the piss. What signs should I look for, and ..." - via SpunkyBackpack
Your Revenge Stories (242 stories) - ". A few years ago my girlfriend dumped me via the phone.
I went to my room and cried and cried like a little girl.
That showed her." - via AJ_23
Shit Stories (500 stories) - "My cat once ate a 6 foot-long piece of red and green string, which it couldn't completely crap out. There i was, sitting in my living room, and my cat..." - via cheesemaster
Best Comebacks (398 stories) - "Below the belt! A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad.He called him an "old bastard".His Dad replied with"I would have sexually abused you as ..." - via chuffster
Foot in Mouth Syndrome (363 stories) - "Once on a medical work experience thing my group was being shown about autopsy procedure, Our cadaver for the day was a young lad in an orange anorak ..." - via The Doctor
Have you ever been rude to a celebrity? (288 stories) - "Stephen Hawking Not all that rude, not me, but still funny.
A few years ago at Oxford Uni, my housemate was given the task of looking after Stephen..." - via Goat Meat Syndicate
Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make (213 stories) - "Nuclear Wombles Womble eggs are injected with special radioactive waste and then left in prime locations (such as Iraq, Libya or France)
The Wombli..." - via ccc
Impromptu Games You Play (455 stories) - "Yes, but is it art? Got rather bored at an Art Deco exhibition my Mum took me along to at the V&A museum.
Started to play 'Yes, But Is It Art?'
..." - via microsaulxp
Booze Related Disasters (166 stories) - "have recalled a time while in final year of university - a friend and i decided that a first and last night out in the union was a good idea.
havin..." - via Anger...Pain...Fear...Aggression...Watercolours?
Old People Talk Bollocks (198 stories) - "My Grandma loudly & proudly sang... ... a full rendition of 'Ching Chong Chinaman' in a Thai restaurant once.
What made it more jaw-droppingly hor..." - via microsaulxp
Have you ever started a fire? (361 stories) - "Oh, dear god. When I was a student, I was at a party coming down from something or other when I muttered "what this place needs is a bit of mindless t..." - via sp3ccylad
Pet Names (381 stories) - "Hitler, Wiggy, and LazyPigBoy were the names of my 3 mutant Harvest Mice.
They were sisters, and each had only one eye (rejects from a zoo-based bree..." - via Station
Slang Survey (692 stories) - "hmmm I heard somebody call an all girls school a "virgin megastore". made me larff. " - via MrGomez The Original Arse Poet
Irrational Fears (572 stories) - "Firey nuclear destruction, as it happens I grew up in the 70s and 80s, living in fear of the four minute warning, literally a few miles from the UK’s ..." - via Scaryduck
Lies Your Parents Told You (707 stories) - "Speaking as a parent myself, and therefore lying through my teeth... My seven year old son pointed to the condom machine in the pub toilets and asked ..." - via Scaryduck
Breakin' The Law (231 stories) - "If you ever get the chance, do this: Myself and two mates were pulled over in car by local five O... nothing on us but we were a bit pissed off cos it..." - via No6
Clients Are Stupid (319 stories) - "Parents are stupid First post...blah blah blah
Last year my parents finally took the plunge and bought a computer to get on this t'internet that ev..." - via R. Jimlad
Dad Jokes (432 stories) - "whenever I annoy him he dances about, pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum, I shagged your mum"." - via Zak McFlimby
Worst Record Ever (392 stories) - "Definately DJ Otzi "Hey Baby" mostly because I live in Newcastle next to the "party centre" that is the infamous Bigg Market, drunken idiots walk past..." - via fassit