Story of a friend...No, really.
But bear with me as it is quite an epic tale.

It was November in Edinburgh: shitty weather and about 40 minutes of light a day (extending to an hour if the fog was in the mood). Horrible conditions under normal circumstances, but for J it proved to be the perfect excuse for not differentiating night-time activities from day-time ones.

It was his birthday on that faithful day and, as you might expect, we and a few others went out for drinks to celebrate. Beers in flat followed by a couple of pubs, friendly chat, crisps and lots of beer. Then the shots came... by the 5th or so I was feeling that kind of drunk where things are just not fun anymore and all your bodily energy is focussed on staying upright. Not wanting to hold the others back on what was swiftly becoming a pub crawl (and the fact that I wanted to get into my bed and make sympering noises like a over ambitious drama student trying to impersonate an semi-aborted feotus) I went home to the flat. Fade to black...

I wake up the next day - no sign of flatmate J. Ah well, he probably got lucky or ended up sleeping in a gutter. He'll be fine. The next morning...still no J. Getting a little weird now. I waited around until finally, at 6.30pm he came tumbling through the front door and poured himself into the sofa. Over the course of a couple of hours I managed to find out where he had been.

When I left him two days earlier, he had gone - with everyone else - on to about 3 other pubs. Then, the end of the night drawing ever closer, he and one mate went to a club. There they met a couple of girls who, though not particularly flirty, were 'hot enough to chat to'. Club closes. On to Penny Blacks - a '24 hour' pub that is by Waverly station and has hours intended to suit the postal and train workers nearby: 5am - 12 noon.

Further drinking ensued and girls soon slinked away into the night leaving my friend horny as hell in a room of 50+yo male postal workers. Until he saw her...the woman of his dreams. Well, no that's a lie - the woman of this grotty pub. 'Relatively young' was how he described her, which given the context translates as she was about 45-50. My friend was 22 at this point.

Anyway, they get talking. She flirts, he flirts, she offers to take him back to hers, they go. He gets into her house and proceeds to do what any man should do in this situation: fall asleep on her sofa.

Waking up the next day, very very hungover and still sexually frustrated, he walks through to her bathroom. He spots some vicodin, pops one, stolls back through to find the woman getting her 6 and 8yo kids (maybe grandkids) ready for school. He is standing in his boxers. Apparently, as luck would have it, he didn't have a hard on at the time.

So...he gets in the car and helps drop off the kids at school (apparently this is where it started to get surreal). After that, the woman takes him back to hers where they proceed to drop a tab of acid and have sex. I always remember the moment when he told me how he was in pain stifling laughter - tripping on acid while being tromboned by an old woman who was 'not even good lucking for her age'.

He stayed with her another night - returning to Penny Blacks still tripping and drinking. The next morning he woke up as the woman returned from picking up her kids from school. All 3 in the room as he woke.

Apparently he only had the vaguest of ideas as to why his arse stung considering all he had to go on was two kids and a granny as possible subjects. He left sharpish.

To the best of my knowledge he hasn't shagged another granny since.
( thiswasmyclone, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 13:59, 4 replies)

Having frequented the Penny Black myself in the past....

I can imagine the sort of thing he would pull in there.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 16:14, closed)

I have experienced the Penny Black!
Although the couple of hours between when Cavendish closed and Penny Blacks opened was murderous.

We went on a vanadlism rampage which was worthy of last weeks 'Cringe' question....
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 16:19, closed)

Done that a few times......

Leave the Cav, get a kebab, wait for the Penny Black to open, few pints, then get the first train home.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 16:32, closed)

CHIPS!
I was nearly chucked out of the Penny Black along with a few friends for singing "I hope it's chips, it's chips" at 6am.

Happy days.
(KipperMinge has been watching out for the penguins since, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 13:28, closed)