Shudder...
Back in the mists of time, when I was a callow student, wet behind the ears, I ended up going through the worst sexual experience of my life so far.

I'd gone out with a load of mates; I think it was someone's birthday or something. We went to a restaurant in town where I drank a bottle of wine in double-quick time, and declined any food. This was probably a good thing, as shortly after drinking the wine, I farted and filled my pants with sludgy shit.

I took myself to the toilets and cleaned myself up as best I could; I probably should have thrown my pants away, but I just wiped them off and pulled them back up. I can even remember the pattern - dark blue paisley. Well, on the outside at least. On the inside, they were kind of orangey brown.

After this incident, I went back outside to the restaurant and carried on blithely drinking, although I was a bit more careful about farting now. We've all done that thing where you clench your anus tight shut and gently let a bit of fart out to make sure that it's not 'hard gas'; I'd learnt my lesson at this point and thought that shitting myself twice in one evening would just be unacceptable.

Someone decided we'd go clubbing. This sounded like an excellent idea to me - despite having pants full of diarrhoea and a liverful of alcohol, I was in the mood for a fuck and more spirits. No one had noticed that I'd pappered my trolleys (and to the best of my knowledge, no one knew up until I admitted it in this post), so I was good to go.

We got to the club and proceeded to look around for booty and drink more alcohol. I went to the bar to get some boozes, and in my addled state, thought that a good method of pulling would be to start rubbing my winklepiece against the lady who was stood in front of me in the queue. Luckily - or perhaps not - the lady in question didn't immediately punch me in the face, but reciprocated by rubbing her arse into my groin.

When she turned around and winked at me, I immediately noticed why she hadn't minded. She had a face like the proverbial bag of spanners; a short mop of ginger hair framed a face that could charitably be described as 'homely'. We got our drinks and moved away from the bar, where we started necking away like a couple of horny teenagers - which in fairness to me, I was. She, however, was 38.

After coming up for air, we decided to continue things back at my house. Unbeknown to me, most of my mates had come back to our house and were sat smoking in the front room when we got in. I shepherded my 'prize catch' upstairs before my mates could see her too much - I did hear some laughter as I went though.

Once we got in my room, I had to disrobe quickly and throw my stained pants into a corner so that she didn't notice the crap in them - although to be honest, she probably wouldn't have minded that much. She took her clothes off, and I was put in mind of a slightly underset blancmange - and to top it off, she had a shaven twat and an enormous scar on her pubic mound.

Due to the amount I'd drunk, I was finding it a bit difficult to get it up; however, I was a gentleman and started lapping away at her flaps like a dog at hot soup. She seemed to enjoy it; I was starting to feel a bit nauseated by a combination of the drink I'd consumed and the fact that I was eye-to-eye with the scar on her minge.

We stopped soon after; I'm not sure whether she actually came or not, but she seemed to have a good time. We lay there and chatted a bit; I found out that she was a bouncer and that she had a husband and a daughter my age. Lovely. This is also when I found out that she was 38 years old - exactly twice as old as I was.

We decided to leave it there. There was no future in our relationship - there was the age difference, her husband, and the fact that I was becoming more and more revolted by her as I sobered up. She got dressed and went downstairs as I put on my dressing gown and followed.

We called for a taxi from the front room, where all my smirking friends still sat. She dished out fags to them all, which seemed to please them, and then informed everyone that I'd 'got what I wanted'. Her taxi arrived soon after, and she fucked off into the night, never to be seen again. Thankfully.

Obviously, my mates - quite rightly - took the piss out of me forever after, and I sometimes shudder as I think of what I did. Mind you, I might have pulled a troll, but she pulled a drunken idiot who'd previously sharted and then rubbed his cock against her fat arse at the bar. I'm not sure anyone comes out of this story well.

She's still the oldest woman I've ever fucked. I wouldn't say never again, but I'm hopefully never going to shit myself and pull a fat, ugly female bouncer with a scarred fanny again.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 19:27, 4 replies)

School trip
My male friend had food poisoning, chanced a fart and shat the bed! Brilliant!

You should have asked her where the scar came from..
(i should have joined myspace, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 2:22, closed)

She mentioned...
something about 'complications' in childbirth. Despite having shat myself and basically having used my cock as a chat-up line, I was enough of a gentleman not to pry.

Also, as I was licking the area and exploring inside with three of my fingers, I'm not sure I wanted to know where it came from.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 8:49, closed)

this
I'd learnt my lesson at this point and thought that shitting myself twice in one evening would just be unacceptable.

I like that you have standards
(heartbreaker, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 10:42, closed)

Heck yes.
Shit my pants once, shame on me.

Shit my pants twice... erm... more shame on me.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 13:07, closed)