Make your own council
1) Trawl the local schools for the most illiterate, inarticulate exam failures (recent immigrants are good) and put these in your callcentres and customer helplines. That way, callers will experience the pleasure of having to spell out their name letter by letter as if to a retarded child.

2) Farm out such things as waste disposal and cleaning to private companies who care only about their profit and who suck taxes out of the council like a Mexican whore drains the last dregs of your scrote (if you have a scrote).

3) At election time, spend millions sending glossy leaflets of elaborate promises and lies to every single household, even though you haven't given a fuck for years whether they live or die. And repair a tiny stretch of prominent road to make it look like you care.

4) Employ consultants to produce reams of impressive statistics and bullshit PR so that you can look effective while actually doing nothing at all.

5) Plan council policy on the basis of what kickbacks you can get from construction companies. Urban regeneration? Only if there's a fat cheque in it!

6) Establish a system orf bureaucracy so unnecessarily complex that every department contradicts the other and human reality is subsumed by a computer which is always right, even when it sends a council tax bill to a dead cat.

7) Be inclusive! Make a big noise about equal opportunities and see that every council building has a wheelchair ramp and lift, that there are enough dark faces in photographs and that there's a lezza or two working in social services. Then stick all the darkies and cripples in the callcentre and give the top jobs to the white children of the wealthy and connected.

8) When in doubt, stick to the old Communist ways: plant loads of flowers and have a festival to hide the fact that the whole structure of local government is derelict.

9) Increase taxes.

10) Reduce services.
(frankspencer, Tue 31 Jul 2007, 9:12, Reply)