Not me cringing, but Mrs Maudlin when she remembers this pearoast..
Seeing as I'm from Dull (sorry, typo again), me and my g/f of 16 months (now wife of 12yrs) decided to skip college one afternoon in 1991 and get the bus to the nearby piss-poor resort of Withernsea. "Come to Withernsea, as the last resort" should be the tourist board's tagline.

They claim it's been improved over the last few years, but tbh, the only improvements I've seen were in the form of renovating about an acre of parkland which is flanked on one side by hideous bemusement arcades with missing letters from the hoarding with it's peeling paint. On the other side is a large Edwardian public toilet block (as in building, not those yellow or blue things you see in urinals).

Anyway, digression aside...

Anyway, after spending a few hours in the lacklustre resort, feeding on scabby chips, burgers with less meat in them than Linda McCartney's toilet bowl and sticking 10p coins into 'Outrun' (possibly the most modern arcade game they had), we boarded the bus and went home.

As the bus went its merry way down the dark roads, we were feeling slightly horny. There were only half-dozen people upstairs apart from us, and they were sitting near the front. So we went to sit at the back for a bit of "hows-your-father". For convenience sakes, I sat on the back seat, in one corner. I got my todger out, she pulled her jeans and knickers down and sat on my lap with her back to me.

Being behind the second to last seat meant that if someone got up to get off the bus, she could slide to one side, and we could still be concealed while they went downstairs.

So, she's bouncing away, having a great time.
Several minutes later (being a teenager having sex in an unusual place meant I wasn't going to last until we reached Hull) I was about to blow my beans.

Seconds before I did, some clown with a deathwish had tried to overtake the bus on the twisty East Yorkshire roads. However, there must have been a car coming the other way as there was a loud screech of tyres.

This gave everyone else on the top deck a good reason to turn round with mutterings of "What was that noise?" etc. Obviously they weren't going to see anything out of the back window of the bus, upstairs, at night.

What they did see was the look of horror on my girlfriend's face, and over her shoulder my gurning, vinegar face.

Everyone turned back round rather sharpish as she slid off my lap frantically pulling her trolleys back on, dripping warm spunk on the bus seats, whilst I sat there trying to stuff my still rigid, twitching and dribbling tool back into my jeans all the while giggling like a buffoon.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 16:30, Reply)