speaking of weddings
i went to one over the summer. the bride was about 36 and it was her second marriage. the groom was 29 and it was his first.

father of the bride is a total character - he is a total silver fox, if a bit past it now, always has some dollybird 30 years his junior hanging off his arm, and his job is a treasure hunter - he spends his time looking for wrecks and gold. i didn't know that was an actual job.

anyway, he stood up for his father of the bride speech. loving, tender, devoted to his daughter... it was none of the above. instead, he kicked off by saying: "i call my daughter the boomerang bride - cause i've given her away once before."

i never understood what a deafening silence meant until that point in the proceedings.

my friend jan thought this was a bit much, so later on in the evening, when she was really drunk, she purred up to the father of the bride at the bar. jan is exactly his type (in fact, she's most men's type), being a voluptuous 6' blonde from newcastle with thighs like a baby giraffe and legs up to her chin. she is also very loud, very blonde, and very very outspoken. she thought she was giving him a hard time - and she probably was, so long as his viagara had kicked in - but what she actually said was this:

"why do you only go out with younger women?"

"i find them more entertaining," the father of the bride replied lasciviously, leaning closer in.

"rubbish!" declared jan, waving her glass of red around. "you just prefer juicy wet young pussies to dried up withered old ones."

again, we were all stunned into silence, apart from the man himself. he thought it was hilarious. she refused to believe she'd said it in the morning, and insisted we were taking the piss, but her underwhelmed boyfriend persuaded her otherwise.

mind you, this is the same girl who has:

bent over her car bonnet on a main road to remove a flyer, not realising her skirt was undone, and her bum and pink thong, complete with jaunty bow, were on display;

worn a white broderie anglaise skirt to work with the modesty panels the wrong way round , revealing her red thong and bum to the world whilst snugly covering up her thighs;

announced "who is this sharon stroke?" to a roomful of partners after seeing the headlines about ariel sharon all day;

told her boss that he shouldn't be jealous of her client invite to lords as it was "only a test match";

screamed at her boyfriend on a packed tube that "2 and 2 = 3";

been asked by a tramp whose dog she was trying to feed to "leave my dog alone. can't you see he's not interested in your sausage?"

it's a good job she's academically bright, because the rest is not quite there!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:36, 1 reply)

She sounds
perfect. Bathe her and send her to me.
(Rsoles, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 20:40, closed)