Seamus
Working in a small music shop back in the early 90's, my heart used to sink whenever Seamus was spotted and the call would go out :

"Fuckwit approaching! I'm going for a dump, you deal with him R"

Great. Just fucking great. Seamus, a dullard of such density, you would think he was putting it on. He used to haunt Irish clubs up and down the country, with his accordion or keyboard, doing traditional Irish sing-songs. A talented musician, undoubtedly, but a fuckwit none-the-less.

Three times a fucking week, this man would come into our small town shop and go through the entire stock, as if he'd never seen it before. Every single drum, keyboard, guitar, fucking triangle, he wanted to have a look at it.

"Oh, superb keyboard dat" he'd enthuse, as he fingered (oo-er) a few chords on a Yamaha (sadly, silently, because "the power was off" so he couldn't sit there and treat us to his whole repertoire).

"Oh, superb microphone dis. One two. ONE TWO" he'd declare, as he picked up another SM58 and would speak into it, not plugging it in, just speaking into the top. Erm, yeah, sounds fantastic Seamus.

The thing was, we weren't allowed to tell him to fuck off, because every now and again he'd whip out a huge wad of cash and buy some of the stuff he'd been eyeing up. There was always a scramble for the bog though when he was spotted, no-one wanting to be the one left listening to him drone on about whatever. Especially when the stakes were upped by one of us :

"Hey Seamus, speak to Pete, he'll give you guitar lessons, won't you Pete?

He came by every day then for weeks just to speak to Pete, who had mysteriously developed a serious bowel complaint, keeping him in the toilet for the whole afternoon. Pete threatened to kill me for making the guitar lesson suggestion, and I really do think he meant it, he was NOT amused!

Then one day the boss simply locked the door whenever Seamus approached. The cretin thought the place had shut down, despite there obviously being customers inside, he could see them through the window. Doh!

I still dodge into shops like Mothercare or Jamrags R Us if I happen to see him walking towards me in town.
(Rsoles, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 20:49, Reply)