This QOTW was made for Miraclefish
Having been a steward at festivals, barman, nightclub (trainee) manager, customer service agent, sales bitch and journalist - I've had them all. Allow me to give you roughly (wa-hey!) one from each era of the Fish.

"'Ere, mate, let me go over the barrier to the front."

"Sorry, I can't. Not allowed."

[10 minutes of arguement]

"Oh, go on you twat, let me though."

"If you go, the next guy will demand I let him go over, too."

"Then just let me and not the next person, idiot."

"So I let one person through, but not the next one?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry, mate, I let the guy before you through. Now fuck off."

------ Bar Staff ------

I once found a turd in a pint glass after the student night. Enough said?

------ Customer Service Agent ------

Aside from the legions of abusive, misunderstanding customers, I personally (at last count) have been reported to Watchdog 14 times. I wonder when they'll be in touch...

The best one was this:

"Why are you still charging me? I sent my phone back and you didn't replace it or stop my contract. I want a refund and compensation."

"Ok, when did you send it back? Do you have the recorded delivery reference?"

"Two months ago. And no I didn't send it recorded."

"Right. This was six months into your contract. You can't just cancel it. And you have 14 days at the start to swap your handset."

"This is an outrage. I sent it back and you did nothing."

"Did you let us know you were sending it back?"

"Why should I? I didn't want it."

"Because we need to know, or we won't do anything about it. Did you enclose a letter with your handset when you sent it back?"

"No. Cancel my contract. Now."

"Ok, let me run this past you. You decided, half way through your contract, to send your handset back. You didn't tell anyone, you didn't send any information with the handset and you don't have any proof you sent it?"

"That's correct."

"Right. Then it's gone forever. You can buy a new handset if you like, and you'll need to buy a replacement SIM card."

"This is unacceptable."

"Yes, but it is all your fault. Goodbye."

------ Sales Bitch ------

"Hello, I would like to buy the W990i (the most expensive phone available. Is it free?"

"Only on the £75 a month contract, sir. Otherwise you're looking at about £200 for a mid £30s tarriff."

"I will take the free one."

"Ok... you realise the contract then will cost you over a thousand pounds?"

"Yes. And can I have one for my wife?"

*Sigh*

"Ok, and your name, sir?"

"Ntenge Smith."

"Do you have a credit or debit card in your name, registered to your address?"

"I have my brother's card..."

etc...

------ Journo Tart ------

Pick your choice. It's either 'you journos don't have a clue what you're on about', people saying all sorts of crap in an interview then regretting it afterwards, calling you a liar and requiring a copy of all your notes, a transcript of the review and all kinds of legal bullshit before they slink away or 'I shall be cancelling my subscription because the review on the 1972 Triumph Stag referred to the incorrect valve size. Good day, sir.'
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 9:14, 1 reply)

What's
a W990i when it's at home? and it's unlikely that a Sony Ericsson is more expensive than a Vertu Constellation - www.expansys.com/p.aspx?i=172580
(Kip, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 11:26, closed)