Seen loads of dead people but its these two nearlly dead that impress
As the two main protagonists in this anecdote actually ended up surviving it doesn’t really count but I think they deserve an honourable mention as they were both severely mangled and very close to death for some time. Plus it should hopefully raise a wry smile with those who had to deal with ill people.

A friend’s aunt and uncle lived in a particularly bleak part of the North – think redundant coal mining town in the early 1980s, both were alcoholic and had a myriad of mental health problems to boot. Their daily lives involved: the morning argument, stealing booze, getting pissed, afternoon argument, procuring more booze, getting really pissed and finally the night time fight, pretty basic stuff: throw things at each other, turn the volume on the tv to 11, invent new swear words for each other, wish each other dead. Essentially great neighbours.

One morning they were exchanging pleasantries along the lines of:
Him “I hate you, you slag, I wish I was dead”
Her “I’ll help you tie the noose. But we’re out of booze so I’m off to the shops”
Him “I’ll be dead by the time you get back”
Her “Fine. Just get on with it and don’t make a mess”. As this is not an unusual conversation, Auntie heads off towards the local Spar.

However, this day was to be different, Uncle is determined to top himself and in his state decides that sticking his head in the gas oven is the best way to shuffle off this mortal coil. This is before gas ovens had any kind of safety features, therefore, you leave the fucker on – it stays on, filling the whole kitchen with gas until someone turns it off.

Cue Auntie coming back home from the shops – bags of Special Brew in each arm – and discovering that Uncle isn’t in his usual chair, muttering under her breath “if you’re not dead you’ll want to be” kind of niceties. She pushes open the kitchen door to find uncle lying with his head in the oven – fortunately not dead just unconscious. Wanting to investigate what hes done now she flicks on the light. Obviously she hadn’t seen those ads from the 70s that told you what not to do in the event of a gas leak.

Too late.
‘Click’.
BOOM.

The resultant fireball catapulted Uncle and the oven through the kitchen wall – a good 15 feet, he was lucky he only broke a host of bones, meanwhile Auntie suffers severe burns to most of her body. Its likely that they both had an Abv of above 50% so they’re even luckier they didn’t fuel the explosion further.

Now they didn’t die and I didn’t even see their bodies immediately after the accident. But it always makes me smile to think of that old couple, him flying through the air to near death and what must have been the biggest ‘Oh fuck’ moment for her.

These days they’re not suicidal and have an electric oven.
(i anglepoise, Sat 1 Mar 2008, 15:25, 1 reply)

Oh, I feel terrible
but I'm howling with laughter. I can just see them flying through the air backwards in her house shoes and ratty yellow sweater and him in his plaid shirt and braces.

I have a couple I visit who are just like this-all they do is fight. She snaps "I'll be glad when you're gone, you old rascal." and he zings back, "Hah! You're the one who's dying, you'll beat me to it old bag. And how I'll dance!"
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 1 Mar 2008, 18:21, closed)