I've never posted a fake.
Now, I'm scared. I'm afraid I won't do this tale justice.

18 months ago Myself and 3 friends went out to canada, fernie to see a couple of equally friendly friends who had spent 4ish months there to become skiiers of ultimate power and skill. One of these friends (I shall call hime fred, for that is his real name) was staying with some lovely lads from around the UK. There was Emo James, Ginger James... actually those are the only two i can remember the names of. Anyway... i decided to steal freds housemates for drinking purposes. The legal drinking age over there is 19 and i was one of few old enough to go out on the raz. Now snowy regions are fantasic to get pissed in. You fall over and there is comfy snow, you slip up every other step, which is bloody hilarious. As you might be able to tell i'm not very good a telling jokes. I decided to entertain these lads and be proud of the laughs i would recieve. No matter what i had to do to receive them. After finally getting kicked out of the last bar to close we veered and slid our way to Fred's house to crash and burn. I thought 'yes, this is my time to shine!' after already trying backflips in a bar to impress this girl who was totally the fit one from rules of attraction and landing on my back 5 times in a row. I decided physical humour was my forte. Cue me running into a chain link fence...

It springs me back into the street where i slip in a gutter and fall down the side of parked car. Rapture of laughter. Cue me running full pelt at a waist high gate.

I flip so fast i've only moved half a foot before i'm upside down in what turns out to be the local primary school. Tears break out and pavements are pounded with fists. James the Emo believes it is a good idea for me to run at cars. Cue a slightly bruised but heavily tanked up deadheaded one running down the long block towards the nearest set of headlights.

I fail to meet the car, it was really far away and there was a perfectly good one parked right by. so i run and fall into what turns out to be a pickup. I'm lying there, in the pickup when a james tells me it belongs to the local sheriff (true or not i have no clue but for a pisshead i can move quick if circumstance requires) so i bolt out of that to find another james bent double and retching from excrutiating mirth.
I decide to leave cars alone.
we enter the house and i spin a tale of the time i put my head through some plasterboard at an end of the world party in a soon to be demolished bungalow. The James' don't beleive me. not even after the last hour. Cue deadhead tapping walls.

Slowly i turn to the boy with his hair over one eye, wearing his little sisters jeans and say, 'watch this'. I run from the back of the kitchen to the recently found plasterboard wall. headfirst.

The wall did not win. I advanced again with a larger audience, attracted by the noise of the initial charge. The hole widened and I fell uncerimoniously to the floor satisfied, with a shit eating grin and a dazed look upon my face.

Noone laughed.

I had taken it too far.

That's how I owed Fred 90 canadian dollars.

length? well i couldn't do it justice in one sentence.

girth? Maybe you had to be there but it's certainly funnier in the pub.

p.s also got naked for a hottub and decided to make snow angels. The snow had frozen so i just scratched my arse. Tried to give the police a personal account while under the influence of at least 2 contrabands. I Love Canada. It does not love me.
(Necromental is a voice., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:11, Reply)