Elektro DJ
Oh yeah... There was also this time.

I bought a second hand DJ mixer from ebay and was using it in the front room on top of a high rack mount unit... Did a few mixes and noticed an odd sensation in my wrist when I had done a few mixes... weird is that... almost feels like a mild electric shock thought I. Upon further infestigation I noticed that my right wrist had been brushing against the BNC connector thats supposed to be used for connecting an auxilary light. So what did I do? I pressed down hard with my wrist and got a right belter that threw my arm up into the ceiling light smashing the light to peices.

I got rid of that particular mixer shortly after and bought a new one.

That totals 5 separate occasions that Ive been electrocuted.
(SillyMoo, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 18:14, 3 replies)

Nuvver Lectrocution
Just remembered this one.

Whilst repairing my first car (again) I was fiddling around with spark plugs and ignition leads. I Left the engine running and pulled one of the HT leads off. So the sound when chug chug chug OUCH! chug chug chug OUCH! chug chug chug OUCH!... for something like 7 or 8 electrocutions till I figured out I should probably let go of the HT lead.

Thats 4 times Ive electrocuted myself that I can remember...
(SillyMoo, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 18:08, Reply)

Happy New Year....
Being born with an intolerance to dairy products was quite dumb, although not entirely my own fault.

And, as revealed at a later age, I also have an intolerance to alcohol. Which is even dumber. Alcohol makes my skin turn very, very pink. Then I have to find a corner to sleep in.

But I am a cheap date!
(YayLady is cold, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 18:07, Reply)

"oh for fucks sake ...I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU"
When I was about 13 I got into a heated argument with my best mate.

Not over a girl or money, something far more important...whether or not it hurts to lick a scaletrix track.

I maintained that i would be fine, the voltage would be too low. He maintained that it would in fact hurt like buggery.

The argument got heated until, well read the title

I bent over and jammed my tounge into the grove* of the track.


He was right it hurts. In fact it felt like eating metal wasps, angry metal wasps. lots of angry metal wasps. Arse.

_{* heh heh hehe heh}
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 18:05, 1 reply)

i cant get any facial hair in on patch of my face
theres some tennis courts just outside where we live, after a night on the tiles we decide its a fantastic idea to play drunk tennis.

partly due to telling my mates i used to play nationwide tournaments. alchohol will surely re-ignite my grace and flare with the racket.

decide it'l be a laugh to run into the net and get sprung back, what fun! it doesnt happen like that. flung over and clean ripped all the skin from my chin off. lots of blood and laughs.



too drunk to deal with it, i wrapped it in parcel tape.

painful morning.
(lazy_alias, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 17:47, Reply)

monkey business
Wheres apeloverage these days?

normally he has some random bollox to type at questions like this

click i like this to become a member of the B3tans against apeloverage clan
(BillBaileysBeard has been itching since, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 17:47, 7 replies)

I went to see the movie Beowulf
This should need no further explanation.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 17:11, 1 reply)

most stupid mistake
asking if the shop around the corner is open tonight. iv been bombarded with requests for food / drink. im not even bloody going.
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 16:45, Reply)

my ex picked me up from work
instead of reversing out of the parking place, went forward nearly pinning the gentleman in front of the car against the car in front of us. it was a close call. so close in fact that even though the bloke wasn't hurt, he was basically stuck between the two cars, unable to get out.

of course, he starts shouting abuse. ex sits there, thunderstruck. i am laughing to myself.
(ladyintheradiator, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 16:43, Reply)

You get what you deserve
Last lecture at Uni. Everyones out in the daytime for a proper, full on binge. Money in pocket. I'm game too. Lovely. We start at four and by the time it's eight, I've drunk myself sober. By 10-30, I'm shitfaced once more.

The union is very busy, and we move tables. I find a pack of Marlboro light, result, nab one, toss the packet. A girl, built not unlike a brick shithouse comes over to our table for her fags. I've got one on the go. Tossed em over there, I say.

She can't find em. My friend, seeing trouble from afar, offers to buy her another pack. She spits in his face. Classy lady.

After this, I slap another good mate around the face (I don't remember this until told some days later. The guilt and shame carries on to this day) for saying something I found offensive. Bang out of order.

Kick out time, classy lady is still on the case. Look, you turned down the offer of some more smokes, or the cash, there's no need to be a bitch about it.

Slap.

I feel my teeth vibrate. But no actual pain.
Love you, beer armour.

We talk for a further five minutes (during which, I apparently call her mum a slag). I'm slapped by the girl equivalent of Mike Tyson several times. A large crowd has gathered.

By slap four, I reach up and grab the incoming five across the eyes.

"Don't hit her!" says her mate.

I stagger off at this point. I sleep under a table in the computer centre.

The next day is not the happiest day of my life. Thank fuck they didn't have phone cameras back then.
(teepee_uk sniggers whenever anyone uses the word 'period', Mon 31 Dec 2007, 16:04, Reply)

out on the lash one night
and I got chatting to a lovely young lady while awfully drunk. I wasn't interested myself as I had a girlfriend, but decided to introduce her to my friend's brother...at which point he thanked me but explained that she was already his girlfriend and had been for a good few years :)

It was stupid, but shows what great instincts I've got.

I then took orders for a round, completely forgot what everyone wanted by the time I got to the bar and came back with 4 pints of water. Classy.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 15:01, 1 reply)

When i was a food till monkey..
I was serving a particularly breathtaking example of a teenage girl (i was a teenager, im not a glitterer) when she dropped her change into the gap between the edge of the counter and the till surface which then rolled under one of those industrial sized refrigeration units. I see a chance to impress this girl with my manly change based heroics and proclaim that i will move the fridge to get her change. I grab hold of both sides of the front of the icy beast and pull as hard as i can (forgetting the front of a fridge is a door) thus opening the door into my own face at cosmic speed. I woke up 2 mins later with the girl and a member of staff making sure i was alive. In a strange twist of fate i actually ended up with the girl in question at a party some weeks later.
(Captain_FourString, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 14:56, 2 replies)

Not me...
But my friend, once managed to get her head stuck in a fridge. No extenuating circumstances either; she just closed the door faster than she removed her head. She was stuck for a good few seconds too, and was actually starting to get quite panicked. It's possible I've never laughed so hard in my life.
(wing_cmdr I mean not real, but almost a real hologram, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 14:46, 4 replies)

It's not exactly epic
but we've all been there before (maybe).

Anyhow, Xmas Eve was spent in the 'local', and as you can imagine it got really messy. However, we managed to behave ourselves pretty well. Then chucking out time arrives, and that's where the fresh air and the alcohol hit you at the same time, then it goes a bit fuzzy. So there was this fella, I have no idea who he is, mouthing off about how he's a second dan black belt. I cut across, and stagger back and forth saying "Yeah.. I'm a, a third dan, me." 'cos I thought acting silly like this might make me some friends. He was very interested in my training, and said "Please, show me your stance." which threw me a bit, so I refused and he actually got really upset. "Pff, you're not a black belt." Me: "Black belt?! NO, man I'm a yellow belt, 3rd degree." (I haven't done fighting since I was about 8 or 9 years old).

So anyway, we have a laugh about it, and I join my mates having a quick ciggie, whereupon I relay what has just happened to them. Apparently I was, er, embellishing my story and being very insulting to this fella, and as I come to the end of my tale, saying how much of a twat this guy was for mouthing off about being a kung fu master, I get a tap on the shoulder and who should be there but Mr. Miyagi himself.

He was not impressed, as you may well imagine, and over such a minor thing. Actually threatened to break my legs right there.

Yes, I am a prick and I find insulting people hilarious when drunk. I make no apologies for this.
( McBadger COW, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 13:57, 2 replies)

A-Level Chemistry Practical Exam
This was a fairly standard titration experiment, titrating some substance (I forget which) into potassium permanganate solution. Permanganate is a deep purple/brown liquid which stains everything it touches. In a rush to get everything set up, I filled the burette (a long thin glass tube that's very difficult to clean) with permanganate instead of the solution I was meant to use as titrant. That of course wouldn't be dumb enough for a post here. With no chance of cleaning it out myself, I sheepishly caught the attention of an invigilator and asked for a clean burette. Luckily, he managed to find one quite quickly and I was back on track, a bit delayed and very embarrassed but otherwise none the worse for the accident.

Relieved, I pressed on and filled my shiny new burette to the top with potassium permanganate.
( JimM, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 12:47, 4 replies)

Christmas Dinner with upper class family.
So imagine the scene: We have got a beautiful table all layed with the best cocklery, the best cloth, the best wine glasses. Everything perfect. Mum had been in the kitchen slaving over the meal for hours. For the first time in many years the whole family was together. All the family is round, grandparents, aunties,uncles, cousins, neices, nephews, kids, old people, everyone.

My mum was doing the posh thing. Dropping her usual northern accent to speak the queens english infront of posh grandparents. Everyone worked really hard to ensure everyone was catered for, Having every assortment of wine available, making 3 starters to choose from. Turkey or pork. There was enough food to fill an army.

So we sit down for the meal. "Ooh isnt this wonderful?" As Id already quashed two bottles of wine, I was feeling rather giddy and, couldnt even taste the elegant food that had been so carefully crafted.

We pulled some crackers, and everyone read out the usual corny Christmas Cracker jokes. Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9! The usual ones. Which caused a gentle chuckle between everyone.

So I pulled out my christmas cracker and decided to be done with the rubbish joke and inserted my own:
"What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection?" Suddenly the general pleasant murmer came to an abrupt silence and I saw nothing but confused faces.. "A quarter pounder with cheese!" Confused faces instantly changed to disgust. (and the kids looked puzzled) The room was silent.

Until deary old grandmother pipes up: "Did it really say that?" "Yeah!!" "Katherine, where on EARTH did you buy these crackers from? I am most appauled!"

So that screwed that one up, as no one else wanted to even pull any crackers.

I never did tell them it was really a joke about fsh with no eyes. For about half an hour later everyone just talked about how they were going to complain to the Cracker makers.

Ah well, was plenty of wine left so I didnt care :)

Merry Christmas!
(Miggyman, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 12:34, 7 replies)

Damn allergies....
Woke up this morning with a raging sore throat... the kind that makes you go aaaaargh. Then realise that hurts and resolve not to make any unnecessary noise.

I headed blearily to the bathroom and the medicine cabinet. Rummaged around, couldn't find my usual brand of throat lozenges. Cursed silently. Further rummage produced the ones I buy for the kids, but never take myself 'cos I'm allergic to the flavouring in them.

Debated in my head - do I take one or not? Really really sore throat versus (fairly mild) allergic reaction?

Oh, hang it! I took one. Sat in the dark, on the toilet (lid down) and sucked away merrily (oo err). A few minutes later, throat is easing slightly. Oh goody! Back to bed then.

I climb back into bed, avoiding disturbing sleeping Mr Witch, settle in. All is well.....

Not quite. After around twenty minutes, I began to itch. Badly. I squirmed around. I scratched. I gave in, and got back up.

In the bathroom, light on this time, I look in the mirror. Another aaargh! Hives, all over my face. Further checking reveals they're all over my body. Not a good look for the New Year party!

Another rake in the medicine cabinet produces the anti-histamines. Lob one down my throat, and finally, several hours later, the hives are beginning to fade. Experience tells me, though, that I'll need more anti-histamines later. Experience has also taught me that I can't drink when taking them, or I end up asleep in the corner after two beers!

Looks like being a really fun New Year then. My throat is still sore, even with the proper throat lozenges (thank god the chemist is open!) and it hurts to swallow (no tittering at the back). I won't be having much, if anything, to drink. Ever tried being the only sober adult at a Scottish New Year party? It sucks! Might take the camera though, so I can laugh at everyone tomorrow when they feel like death warmed up and I'm brand new!

So tonight, as you celebrate the beginning of 2008, spare a thought for me. I'll be the one in the corner, stone cold sober, still a bit itchy, probably still with a sore throat. Self-pity? Me? Hell yeah.

Still, have a good New Year, everyone. Enjoy tonight, and have a drink for me!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Mon 31 Dec 2007, 11:24, 8 replies)

Slightly dumb, I guess...
...is the very thorough job I've made of keeping a low profile socially for most of the year (go back through my previous to see why I've been bad company for most of this year - people haven't missed out so much as been spared, trust me). As for my own benefit, well, it's just paid to keep things simple for awhile :)

I've stayed below radar so well in fact that I never considered what the hell I'd be doing on New Year's Eve, and now it looks like I'll be toasting it alone this year. Not even got a date. Pffft. Poor effort, even if I say so myself.

Ah well, that's what I get for vonting to be alone, but plenty more New Years to come yet, eh? My NY resolution this year is to have a slightly more exciting time of it next year ;)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 11:20, 8 replies)

Thumb splat challenge
At the age of eight (yes I know a LONG time ago) my sister and I were putting up a tent in the back garden. I was holding a tent pole and my sis was hammering it into the ground with a sledge hammer. Mid swing I decided it was in far enough and put my thumb over the end.

It did smart a tad!!!
( The Twisted Omentum vidi vici veni, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 10:58, Reply)

one night i had a farting competition with my brother.
it ended when i shit the bed. he'd won.

he won again when he called out to my parents that i'd shit the bed.

what a bastard.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 10:34, 3 replies)

English rage....
One wet and miserable afternoon where the heavy leaden skies merged with the grimy cityscape I decided a bit of Hollywood escapism was needed.

As is traditional when wanting to watch a film I deposited myself in the sticky floored chav breeding ground that is the modern multiplex.

Upon entering the theatre it was already dark as I had spent ten minutes explaing to a pus filled dimwit of a sweet vendor that his popcorn had risen in price by more than 17% in the last year tracking way above inflation and that I was loath to part with almost £5 for something that is 50% air.

Alas my lamentations and sound economics fell of deaf ears and I parted his company with a small bag of popcorn, a heavy debt and a seething resentment towards anything and anyone involved in the corn or corn popping industries.

I took my seat and resolved to enjoy the film with no more ire inducing episodes. This was not to be the case foir behind me seemed to be the noisiest people in the world.

Snippets of whispered conversation buzzed around my head like so many malarial mosquitoes, the incessant crackle and crunch of sweet bags felt as loud as gufire, the soft sucking of humbugs pulled at the marrow in my bones the and random kicking of the back of my seat did little to ease my back pain.

I should have asked nicely for some peace and quiet, but past experience had taught me that these dark dwelling monsters would only increase their attacks if provocked with reasonable requests. Hence I sat and I seethed for felt like hours, I balled up my rage in a way only an emotionally stunted Englishman can.

Like Krakatoa the pressure became too much and I exploded! Swivelling around in my chair a shouted in no uncertain terms for this utter shower of shits to, and I quote, "SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I RIP YOUR FUCKING HEADS OFF!"

All was silent, for a brief second I thought I had done the impossible and won against the tyranny of teenagers. Unfortunately as my eyes adjusted to the dark I saw quivering chins and frightened watery eyes.

In a line sat 6 very scared and on the verge of tears children with Down Syndrome. My heart absolutely sank. Their carer lent forward and apologised only making things worse, i begged her and the children's forgiveness and sank so deeply into my seat that my arse got stuck to the fetid sticky floor. It was where I belonged. I have never felt so guilty.

Luckily after the movie I managed to apologise properly to all involved and we all went away happy, but I have learnt how stupid it is to let the rage grow inside you and to release it with out doing some pre flight checks.

*starts walking to hull*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 10:28, 6 replies)

I can think of much, much worse
to share with you than this, but it would make some of the seemingly AWOL Charles Calthorp's stories seem tame, so apologies for getting this one instead.

Mordred aged 8 has his second ever bicycle. A second hand monstrosity made out of (or so it felt) cast iron. No gears (boo) and even worse as far as I was concerned, no bike stand attached to it. Young Mordred wonders whether he can balance the bike perfectly upright so it stands up on its own. He can't; and the bike, which as formerly mentioned weighs probably more than I did at that age comes crashing down towards me. The pedal is of course the first thing to hit the ground; only it doesn't hit the ground. It hits the edge of my foot. Entire weight of cast iron bike on small area of pedal hitting 8 year old foot (protected by a strong layer of that protective substance known as canvas).

Ouch. Wetting myself ouch. No toenails all summer. Toenails might not seem important to those of us not given to painting them. They are. Ouch.

[Sorry for teasing you all by not sharing the dumbest thing I did. But it was awesomely dumb and despite taking place 19 years ago now is something I can't forgive myself for. And the amount of mental bleach you would need after reading it isn't something I can inflict on B3tans who like me are either hungover or in flu recovery mode or both]
( I_Was_Mordred, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 9:00, 2 replies)

May as well go through this again.
b3ta.com/questions/horriblesights/post83112

Just delete, most horrific thing I've ever seen, and replace with, dumbest thing I've ever done.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 4:49, 4 replies)

7 years old
decided a pile of warm tarmac was a good thing to play in.
it wasn't.
standing naked in the courtyard and being rubbed with butter, whilst the neighbours are watching, may have got the tarmac off, but it wasn't fun.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 4:22, 3 replies)

I was in a bar...
I was in a bar, and it just turned midnight or something, and they started playing some better music. I was feeling pretty good, and then a song I just happened to recognise came on. Symphony of Destruction, by Megadeth. As you do, you "put" down your glass, and start playing table drums, to the beat of the song.

"put" isn't the right word. At first, I thought it was just ice. I continued drumming. Around three point two seconds after the song finished, I noticed some red, and some pain.

Took around 5 minutes to drunkenly pull all the little shards of glass out of my palms.
(BLuFFaLo, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 1:23, Reply)