Fit-inderella
As many of you will doubtless be aware (because I don’t half bang on about it sometimes), I have what you might call ‘Theatrical Tendencies’. Oh, the hell with it, darlings: I Love the theatre!

There is one form of theatre, however, that leaves me cold and with murd’rous thoughts in mind. This horrible, unforgiving beast is the home of soap actors looking for ‘diversification’ to avoid typecast. It is the dwelling of school parties and people who yearn for a ‘better Britain’. It is the last bastion of casual racism and sexism so heartily defended by the Daily Mail. I refer, of course, to Pantomine.

Oh, yes I did.

My tale, as it so often has in the past, starts with a girl. I was but eighteen, emerging blinking in to the bright lights of manhood. She was twenty, from Newcastle – a faraway and exotic place to a young man from Essex, and her Geordie tones washed over me daily as I drove her to and from college. I would have done anything, but anything, to be with this girl. Summer came and went, and in late September she handed me a flyer on the way in to college.

“Look at this!” she exclaimed, “Panto auditions!”

In case I haven’t made it clear already, I hate panto. Ever since I was small, I have hated panto. Panto and I do not have a comfortable relationship with each other. So how it came to pass that I said “Oh great, we should totally go for that...” remains a mystery.

~~~

Weeks later, and we’re both in. I am playing a two roles in this panto (which I will reveal shortly), and she one. I desperately tried to fit in during rehearsal, giving air kisses and dahlings and oh-my-you-were-wonderfuls, and all in the name of the Geordie who held my heart. Sometimes, I feared that my thinly-veiled hatred of the thing I was doing w ould show through – but it never did. Slowly, we became closer. She would touch me, lingering longer than she should, or hold my gaze, or bound over to hug me and only me. I was nearing my goal, of that I was sure.

Part of this panto was the Ugly Sisters being given a work-out by none other than the Spice Girls, who were quite the thing at the time. Joke-on-joke, though – they were played by men, and yours truly was Posh, in a very short dress. It was the Saturday Matinee, and the local Brownie group were in and watching the show. While doing the dance to ‘Wannabe’, there was a move that we did when we sang ‘zig a zig ahh’, which involved turning our knees out and opening our legs. The Geordie lass was dancing among the audience in front of me. As I ‘zig-a-zigg'ed she turned towards the stage, looking right at me, her face a picture of joy.

Time turned... to treacle. I watched her face as it transformed from joy, to confusion, to shock, to horror. I flicked my hips to turn for the next step of the dance, wondering what was wrong with her, when I felt a familiar thwap against my thigh. A murmur arose from the audience, and as I looked down to my feet I saw my testicles, pinned to my leg by the lycra of my boxer shorts. I looked out, and saw the confused and horrified faces of 30 Brownies looking at my nuts, while the girl of my dreams frantically tried to prise their attention away from the silly man. I grabbed the hem of my dress and yanked it down over my jewels; discreetly popping them back in to place and hurrying from the stage.

Surely, though, I could overcome this. The fact that I had tried so hard to fit in would be paramount in my beloved’s mind, overriding my embarrassing excursion. Not so, my friends. It was that very night, at the end of week party, that she said to me “Howay, that Prince Charming’s a canny fella, isn’t he?”, and walked off in to the night.

~~~

So don’t try to fit in, not even for a girl. You’ll only end up showing your nuts to some eight-year-olds.

Small Epilogue: In the remainder of the run, I wore briefs and boxers, thus preventing any further accidents.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 14:36, 3 replies)

I'm disappointed in you DT.
Panto FFS!
( girlinthehole, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 14:43, closed)

The horror...
fucking PANTOMIME????
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 15 Jan 2009, 14:48, closed)

The Horror!
Briefs!!
(ShitBitch, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:28, closed)