plank
As some of you may know I am in fact a Scottish person – a Weegie to be precise. Our version of the Queens English is often a mangle of words from the French, our Irish cousins, the Auld Scots language and a smattering of Gaelic, as a result we have some wonderful words and truly colourful expressions at our disposal. Some are fairly well known – ‘fannybaws’ ‘fud’ ‘bawbag’ and ‘dobbar’ to name but a few. To hear two Glaswegians insulting each other at full pelt is indeed ‘pure quality’. In Glasgow if ‘yer patter is pish’ you are as they say – a non-event.

Some words however are more obscure; such as ‘plank’ this is not as you might assume a term associated with timber, lumber or wood of any sort. To ‘plank’ something is to hide it, usually to be retrieved at a later, often safer time. E.g.

“Boaby* malkied* that wee prick Franny fir pumpin* his bird. Plod turned up so he hid tae plank his chib* unner the pool table”

I should probably explain that lot:

*Boaby. This is a common abbreviation for people called Robert, however a 'boaby' is also a term for a penis. To further complicate matters it is one of the few terms for penis that is not used in a derogetary manner. You may well be a ‘snidey wee prick’ or even a ‘fat dobber’ but I have yet to hear someone insulted with the term ‘you ya boaby’

*Malkied: slashed on the face, or ‘chibbed’ derived from Malky Fraser (Malcolm Fraser) rhyming slang for an old cut throat razor. (Who Malky was has evaporated into the Scots mists of time.) Interestingly there is a fair degree of rhyming slang in the Weegie repertoire but they are terms that would discombobulate your average cockney. In fact they wouldn’t have a Scooby.

*Pumpin(g): shagging, fucking, ‘the act of copulation’

* Chib: a weapon for slashing or ‘chibbing’ someone with. Glaswegians hold their Edinburgh cousins (plastic English) in low esteem. There is a popular opinion in the West that ‘there’s more fun to be had at a Glesga chibbin than an Edinburgh wedding’

However I digress. Planking stuff – I have a habit of when I get home I empty my pockets. If I have had a few nippy sweeties (drinks) I sometimes for reasons only know to my own befuddled head often ‘plank’ banknotes for safekeeping then promptly forget I have done so. I’m not sure why I do this but I realised some time ago that finding forgotten ‘stashes’ of cash fairly brightens my day – often weeks or even months later.

I have two places I tend to plank cash: in my array of cookery books, or in my collection of DVD’s. This often throws up the odd tenner or 20 when I select a film, although 60 or 70 quid has been known. However one day when funds were particularly low I decided to search properly and systematically. I have large collection DVD’s and I am sad enough to have them alphabetised.

So after opening over 300 DVD cases I was losing hope as I was approaching the ‘V’ section. But amazingly it seems I had planked (and then forgotten) stashes of 100 quid in The Wizard of Oz, Welcome to Collinwood and X Men respectively.

Ya fuckin dancer!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 14:32, 5 replies)

I now know what our merkin friends feel like when they read some of the posts on here.
.
( girlinthehole, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 14:35, closed)

merkins can read now?
blimey!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 14:37, closed)

Are you
part squirrel?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 14:57, closed)

i'll brush that comment aside


actually almost interestingly i read once that studies show squirrels forget where up to a third of their stash of winter food is

fancy that!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 15:06, closed)

Plank
The word definitely comes from the french "planque", or "planquer quelquechose", to hide sumat. Or "c'est la planque" which is usually a cushy job.
(Alaning, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 10:10, closed)