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This is a question Guilty Pleasures, part 2

It's been a while since we last asked this question and CaptainFellatioNelson's confession that he likes "to fart under the duvet, creep in and see how long I can last only on the fart air contained within" reminded us just how good it was last time.

What are the little things you do for fun when nobody else is around?

(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 11:48)
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This question is now closed.

Girly pleasures.
Wearing huge pyjamas, slippers and unattractive dressing gowns/robes, while curled up with a book or consuming chocolate/junk food and pear cider.

Also,

Watching girly films when my boyfriend is out.

Especially ones starrring Orlando Bloom.

I'm sorry.....
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 15:00, 15 replies)
bicycle
i removed the rubber tips on my handle bar..and enjoy damaging the paint from big SUVs that don't leave enough space for Cyclists...even better when they're on the phone while driving

stop at the pedestrian crossing to let grannys pass (I live in france where it is very rare that cars stop at Xings unless there's a red light, but basically the law is the same..pedestrians have priority), preferably at the last moment so the car drivers behind me have to literally jump on their brakes...(i wear a helmet)

oh and best one..when i take a bus or any public transportation and there's a ticket control, i do as if i had lost my ticket, look very embarassed, keep looking in every pocket, then let it go and tell the faux-cop to write me a ticket (hard task in a moving bus) and that i'll pay the fine. then when he hands me the paper for applying my signature, i, like by magic, find the ticket again.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:55, 1 reply)
Too old for this really...
My Guilty Pleasures:

1. Watching Pocoyo (kids ITV show)
2. Eating Happy Meals
3. Wearing kids' Skechers in pink (I am lucky enough to fit a size 4 shoe!)
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:52, 5 replies)
Hmmm.....
I think about girls when I'm having sex with boys
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:50, 2 replies)
since discovering the proxy server
My guilty pleasure has been plugging the earphones in, officially to listen to the taped meeting I've got to do the minutes for, but unofficially to ignore the phone and my colleagues while I rediscover the joys of loafing about on here.

Actually, on reflection, I don't feel guilty at all cos I'm leaving next week for a much, much better paid job.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:44, Reply)
baiting my dear wife
There are so many things that annoy her that I often can't resist doing some on purpose. But my greatest triumph was the "Sulk Spot"

If you're married or in a long term relationship, you'll know that look when you've apparently done something wrong and she refuses to look at you. Instead, she looks over your shoulder at the ceiling to show that you are beneath contempt. One one occasion, I drew a target and attached it to the bedroom ceiling for her to fix her gaze on when she's pissed off. Now, I actively direct her gaze there when I see a sulk coming. The absurdity of it always makes her laugh.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:44, 3 replies)
Films...
when on the train i like putting on Dance songs or songs with a good beat - then try and match them with a film.

you can then make your own movie trailer in your head. If this fails, i simply think im a footy player in a huige match in a 70'000+ seat stadium. Then try and match the play to the music. So when a dance song peaks the ball ripples the net etc.

it often involves rooney
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:39, Reply)
Sneezing
When layed on my back and need to sneeze. I shoot it straight upwards. A few seconds later im greeted with a lovely refreshing cold sprinkle all over my face.

If thats not your cup of tea, then simply tap on someones shoulder at the final point of the sneeze, then aim and fire :D
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:32, 2 replies)
how long have you got...
1. watching an old dear fall over an spill all her shopping in the street

2. sitting on a train watching someone else 'just' miss it

3. seeing a someone making a right tit of their presentation in a meeting

4. nose picking - a goot old root around in there is a true joy. i like it when you get a crispy bit stuck to a long gooey bit further up.

5. a really good shit

6. a decent sulk - you've been wronged and they know it - milk that fucker

7. getting a sly peek down the fit birds blouse at work during a meeting

8. resolving on a sunday night to call in sick on monday

9. heading home having just scored drugs on a friday

10. skiving off on b3ta when your actually quite busy
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:27, 1 reply)
Inner hatred
being the misanthrope that I am (ooooh big word alert) I find it most enjoyable, when faced with what I would describe as "A boring Cunt" to try to insult them as many times as possible in my head whilst still keeping the thread of what they are yakking about.

Can prove difficult if it becomes your turn to speak suddenly, to switch from viscious cuss mode to politely interested mode.

Length? not today thanks.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:25, 1 reply)
My guilty pleasure(2) is in being a pedantic twat
"Question of the Week suggestions

Each week we ask a question. The idea is to generate material that's:

* interesting to read, i.e. we won't get bored of reading the answers after about 10 of them
* not been asked on this site before
* fun to answer"

What would you like to ask? (We've left this question open - so feel free to drop in ideas anytime.)

Rob
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:20, Reply)
Oh dear God!

Does anybody else put their hand(s) on the wall and hope - just for a second - that you have somehow suddenly developed 'spider' powers?




oh - just me then.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:06, 2 replies)
err,


I like walking down the street with a big semi-hard-on when wearing boxer shorts so that it's pretty obvious, but acting as if everything is normal.

I blame it all on that picture on Lou Reed's 'Transformer' - you know the one.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:02, Reply)
Boring car journeys
I like to imagine that a speck of dirt on the windscreen is my gunsight and I'm a Top Gun pilot. Then I proceed to blast anything that comes into range.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:01, 4 replies)
Oh crikey!
I was going to mention something about my habit of cutting off the very ends of the breathing apparatus of fish; before handing over the spoils to a couple of todger dodging, rug-munching friends of mine.

I was then going to say something about 'Gill tip lezzers'

But then I realised that it would be a fucking stupid thing to do.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 13:57, Reply)
Does Anyone Else
Play the game where you get your cats attention, then hide behind a wall then jump out again to see if its stil looking?

If you do it repeatedly, they will stare for aaaaages.

I also play the game where you pick them up as they walk over somewhere, carry them back a few feet, then let them walk to the same place before repeating... Its good fun. The game ends when the cat attacks you.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 13:43, 2 replies)
not one to miss a pun
I went to a rave the other night and bought a stupidly expensive drug that was gold or something.

Still, I had some gilt E pleasure
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 13:38, Reply)
Shouting at children
I work in a cinema, and the other day saw a child (about 11) delibertely drop a piece of litter. I bellowed across the foyer "YOU CAN PICK IT UP OR GET OUT!"
He picked it up, scuttled over and handed it to me(?) with a mumbled "sorry" and a red face.
I did feel slightly guilty but I hate litter. And children.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 13:29, 2 replies)
Walking along with a 'Predator' style Mini-Gun...
You know the type, Blaine's "ol' Painless" Mini gun as used in 'Predator' and 'T2'

I often, while idly wandering along on my route - be it to work, heading for the bus, off into town to the post office, i imagine myself walking along carrying 1 of these behemoths, calmly and efficently MOWING DOWN EVERYONE who happens innocently stray by me while going around their daily business. All in slow motion as if in a John Woo film, causing MAXIMUM damage to flower stalls, cars waiting at traffic lights, women with pushchairs, blowing old people thru the shop window of 'Greggs the bakers', decimating the queue for the cash machine as i watch their bodies stand and twitch as the lead rips their clothes. i keep walking, people keep wandering infront of me, i imagine them been shredded by the Mini-Gun, I keep walking, next corner, a packed street - "oh my - heaven" i think....

AWESOME. i'm not an emo or anything and i don't think i'm affected by video games as a young un - unless jetpack willy has mangled my brain. However the PacMan Cliche IS true (darkened rooms, munching pills, repetitve music, etc) I think it just keeps my mind amused while I'm walking.


Wikipedia ALMOST spoilt it for me by saying that a hand held version of the MiniGun is impossible - but afterall, it's only a dream - isn't it?
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 13:15, 7 replies)
Sink or Shower
Generally neither, but when you've got the morning horn and need to go, sometimes you have to pick - shower or try for the toilet.

I'll wager every time you go for the toilet option you get the twin headed spray and it goes everywhere.

Sometimes ladies, it just can't be helped. Peeing in the shower OR peeing all over the floor. Us men? All the same to us.

Oh Frank, you're not the only one son.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:43, Reply)
buying the borribles trillogy recently (that's borribles, not borrowers)
i last read them when i was 8 and i never forgot them.

they are still so good. so very, very good. (hugs books)
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:41, Reply)
local newspaper headline
Concerning the disputed rugby score surrounding the activities of player Andy Gill:

Gill Try Plea Sure
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:33, Reply)
Weeing in the sink or shower
Am I the only one?
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:27, 6 replies)
Pun killer
My guilty pleasure is to hunt down all the people who post unfunny puns in the question of the week, and beat them to a bloody pulp with a folded copy of the daily mail.

Frankspencer, I'm coming for you.....
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:18, 3 replies)
I like to daydream that I find myself back in 1949 or similar
and imagine how much money I would make 'inventing' stuff that is yet to be invented and 'writing' the Beatles back catologue.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:11, 8 replies)
I'm sure its been said...
but my guilty pleasure is using the the sink as a toilet!

It's surprisingly satisfying, until you have to squish everything down the plug hole with a toothbrush handle.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:11, 2 replies)
I don't chase pigeons...
But I have great guilty pleasure in scaring the fecal matter out of nearby folk.
If I'm in town, and there's a crowd of say 3 or more pigeons in the vicinity, you can easily create a scene without drawing much attention to yourself. Simply take out your keys, and throw them up into the air. Not too high, a metre should be sufficient. I'm not sure whether it's the fast/flashing motion of light reflected from your twinkling keys, or whether it's the ringing sound, but any pigeons nearby will instantly take flight!
I do feel guilty as once I made someone drop their bag of chips as a bewildered pigeon shot straight for their face.
But trust me, it's immensely satisfying clearing the vicinity of nobbly-toed sky-rats.

Seriously, try it!


P.S. I once tried this in St. Peter's Square in Venice.
It was absolutely immense.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:08, 4 replies)
Pepper Spray
Firstly – couldn’t decide if I should post this or not – it’s a friend of a friend story (clearly bollocks, but, slightly funny) Please ignore if you don’t like urban legends.

Anyway – Years and years ago a friend of a friend of a friend (Lets call him..Chad) went to South Africa on holiday for several weeks. On his return his mate (Gary) went to visit him and found that he had brought a suitcase full of weapons home. He had Tazers, knifes, airguns – the normal shit a weirdo nutter would buy when on holiday.
Chad told Gary that he had brought him a present and handed him a metal case holding six small pepper sprays. Within minutes they had both sprayed each other and agreed that they would never do that again – It was fucking painful - so…..what to do with the remaining cans???

Well – a sick-nutter-pull-legs-off insects brainwave occurred to them like a fart from the depths of Satan’s Oxo tower – they would take turns to sneak into the female toilets of the local pub and cover the toilet paper with a thin and invisible layer of the pepper spray. They would then happily sit and enjoy their pints, tactically seated, while the ladies would come out of the toilet looking like the strangled bastard lovechild of William Shatner and John Wayne.

It was their guilty pleasure - until they were caught.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:03, Reply)
hiding places
As a child, on long journeys, I used to gaze out the window and spy the best locations for building huts and dens: that tree, that ditch at the bottom of the hill - the one with the holly bush growing over it, that overgrown bank by the stream.

As an adult, I do the same, except now I work out the best locations for secluded outdoor shagging.
(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 12:03, 4 replies)

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