Well... it involves milk!
Well, whilst at a pissup desperately wanting to get into the pants of a nubile young wench called Amy (Okay, she was ginger, but I thought she was hot) Someone told me that if you drink a pint of milk after evry pint of alcohol it would cancel the effect of the beer/rum/advocat (we where poor!)
Well, after drinking the 12 pints of milk readily avaliable to me I decided to make a move. I was gullibled. Milk just makes you ill and gives you nightmares. I followed her into a dark-ish side room, ignoring the fact she had violently vomited and layed her down on a leather couch.
There are two things you need to know about leather, firstly, it leaves a lovely "grain" print in your arse/face if you sleep on it, and secondly, it retains the smell of bodily fluids for a very, very long time. So, thats my chances of a nice friendly make-out session/recieving oral out the window. Cock, I said. I whipped off her P!ATD hoodie (Im young enough to do this to whiny fangirls, im no garry glitter) and black lacy bra. Well, this is fun, i said to myself. Not hearing the usual cries to take this nipple gargling any further I did the honourable thing and asked... no response... I assumed this was because she was in some considerable ecstacy.
Knowing how crap I was with the female species this should have raised some questions, but no, in my drunken state a silence was as good as a yes. So I unbuttoned her purple skinnys and pulled down her black teenage panties. Cock, i exclaimed again, my condom was in my jacket pocket, and fuck me with an octopus could i find that now in my drunken state.
Well, it looks like I was about to have my first ever experience of giving oral. Lucky me. Of course, i had read the FAQ's, and watched the movies, but I had bugger all chance of remembering it now. Then i woke up. My face pressed to a ginger teenagers vagina.
Yay me! I look around, and COCK, if it isn't Anthonys mum. (well, i was hardly going to use my house, but thank fuck it wasnt hers) "What the fuck have you been up to?" She said, looking at the empty cartons of milk, advocat and strongow littering the floor. FUCK, i said, and ran for my life, face still smelling of horny teenage girl.
Sitting on that sofa next day I was informed of many things. One of these was that I had left the door open. COCK, so everyone had seen me performing drunken oral to a girl at 90 degrees to me. Secondly, she had passed out before I had even unbuttonned her skinnys. Lastly, some drunken mong called Joe had walked in, sat down, and promptly filmed the entire thing. And the sofa still smelled of "amy" for months afterwards.
And thats the story of how i wrecked my chances with my first crush.

Edited for kind people who commented on my work.

And length, fuck me if she found out, she was unconcious.
( UseAName Because you cant get the bends if you muff dive., Fri 22 Aug 2008, 9:44, 4 replies)

Thank you for your first post
We hope that you will continue to post on b3ta and enjoy a long and fruitful relationship with your fellow b3tans.

However, we would all be very happy if you employed paragraphs in your posts. Capital letters are also helpful and indeed actually compulsory in the English language.

Txt spk is frowned upon.

And one last hint - if you want lots of clicks (and this story could have done that because it is suitably daft) give us more description - don't be afraid of telling your story with greater flourish.

Good luck!

Chickenlady.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 10:04, closed)

^^
for the rules but it us a cracking story!

Welcome!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 10:34, closed)

Apologies
Im very sorry! I dont think I used text speak? But appologies for my english, which is appalling, and my only excuse is that im young. Next time I will draft it on word first! And more apologies for lack of detail, i was very incapacitated though! (are you allowed to immaginate bits that you cant remember?)... it was a leather couch? :D
( UseAName Because you cant get the bends if you muff dive., Fri 22 Aug 2008, 22:54, closed)

And the sofa still smelled of "amy" for months afterwards...
Thats got to be a click right there.
(I may have had one of those sofas myself back in the day)
(Nogin the Nog is the good one! Beware Nogbad the Bad!, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 11:16, closed)