Noisy Housemate Justice
In my first year at uni I had a particularly unpleasant housemate named Jake who brought a different girl home pretty much every night, he was also a bit of a druggie. He theived food, pinched from my stash, never cleaned or tidied and his room was like a biological warzone.

Jake had a penchant for larger ladies and most nights could he heard having sexyteim, bashing against the wall, skin slapping on skin, grunting and huffing like an angry, wounded buffalo.

The way that the rooms were layed out made it impossible to have our beds anywhere apart from the very thin stud wall dividing the two rooms. Needless to say this started to be irritating very quickly. It started the ball rolling as to how to get revenge.

I am a keen singer and guitarist and had just recently invested in a little studio setup for home recording. I rigged the condenser mics up and recorded about half an hour of their demented sounding rutting and then proceded to play it back to them. All night. At full volume.

He didn't bring anyone back for a couple of weeks but poetic justice was finally served when he did. After a particularly marathon session, at one point I thought they might be coming through the wall (pun intended). Jake woke up in the middle of the night with a severe pain in the nether regions. With nothing visually wrong he woke me and begged me to take him to hospital.

I took him to hospital and it turned out he had testicular torsion. They operated immediately but had to remove one of his testicles. Horrific for him but the doc forbid him any sex for at least a month, leaving me in blissful silence.

Length? The operation took about an hour.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 11:07, 1 reply)

Bit close to home...
I recently had an accident on my bike involving a pothole, and my testicles doing a bug-on-a-windscreen impression up against my petrol tank. The doctor gave me 50/50 against losing one, and the ultrasound nurse was male, bearded, middle aged and an ex-bike racer with lots of horror stories which he delighted in telling me while he smeared KY over my sack with the ultrasound wand-thingy.

Hey-ho, I didn't have to have one amputated after all, and the screenshots they gave me look lovely on the living room wall. They look like any other ultrasound you've ever seen, so the only one who knows the hairy truth is me.

"Is that a picture of you as a baby, helixdaunting?"

"Ummm...something like that."
(Helixdaunting, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 23:55, closed)