Cracked Cribb
So about 11.15 and I’m stuck at the girlfriend, Loopy (for that was how she acted) mum’s house for a sleep over. Bored shitless as I was and thinking it’s time to say good night, when the phone rings. World’s best flat mate is on the phone; he has forgotten his keys and is locked out. Our mate Stewy has climbed up on to the balcony but, that door is locked and none of the boys can get in. Right mate I say, I am on my way. So I hurried explain to Loopy the situation (perhaps a little too gleefully) to which she replies, “well that’s fucking convenient, you been acting like you didn’t want to be here all night” and then demanded once I had opened the door I return to sleep on the floor of the spare room. Obviously I refused, and suggested she was inebriated and should think about going to bed. I thanked her rather pissed mum for having me to which she replied, “garncarmndgissyarmartherinlawacardoor” (sound it out) and hit the road, silently thanking the gods that her old man the beer nazi (tight fucker wouldn’t share more than 2 cans per visit) had been so vigilant and I was right to drive (although if I had been seeing double with half a can in my hand and there was a cop car parked out side the house, I would still have run the gauntlet).

So off I dash, Princes Highway, President Avenue, Kiora Road, and who should I spy standing on the corner of Kiora Road and the Kingsway but, and ol flame from the office Tiona, with a couple of the other girls from the office, Classy Marcy and Kim the receptionist. I pulled over and had a chat. It seems that they had taken Tiona out for the night as she had been too homely since her wedding and they wanted to see if she still had it in her. Apparently the night was not going so well and they where thinking of call it in, so, I suggested they come back to my place for a couple of drinks and a couple of joints. Marcy thought it was a good idea, Kim was going with the flow and Tiona looked a trifle concerned. They piled into the Corolla and we drove the 150 meters to the flat.

On arrival, I found world’s best flat mate sitting on the front steps, Stewy on my veranda unable to stand up and being noisily sick

Marcy got all maternal and felt it her duty to take care of Stewy, apparently her husband had known Stewy many years before so she felt a connection. Although I think she just wanted to check out his wang when she got him off the balcony and put him in the shower.

So WBFM, Tiona, Kim and I settled into the lounge room. I poured a few what ever it was we where drinking back then, probably Bacardi and Coke and rather than messing about with papers and rolling joints pulled out the bong. We all had a bit of a smoke, Tiona went silly and started playing video games, Kim went all chatty and I just listened (well pretended to listen while having evil thoughts). WBFM didn’t smoke very often so he just had a drink and sat shyly on the couch, occasionally talking to Tiona.

As a background piece of information, WBFM was the very shy type and had not had the delight of knowing a woman carnally. I decided then and there that something needed to be done about WBFM’s virginity. So I started trying to convince Kim she had a duty to help him out. I had always thought Kim was alright, country girl, with big boobs and a bit of a bum on her but, friendly in a no bullshit country girl kind of way. She of course thought this was a terrible suggestion but, I persisted as I felt it was the least I could do for a mate after what he had got me out of on that night. Marcy put Stewy to bed (in my bed mind you) and came out to the lounge room. She thought it was a wonderful idea I had and started to assist with the persuasion. Barney (WBFM) was now the colour of puce, but, he didn’t try to stop us!!

After a while Kim cracked and agreed with the plans. I think Marcy telling her she wouldn’t get another chance to bag a virgin was the clincher. SO WBFM and Kim head off to his room. A few minutes later there is a big crash from the bedroom and Kim’s voice yelling, get it off me. I shot up the hallway into Barneys room to see what was going on. Not through any duty of care I just wanted to see what all the commotion was about. I find Barney in his undies pulling his clock radio and lamp off of kim who is sprawled about legs akimbo in her bra and undies on the mattress of a collapsed single bed. (Did I mention WBFM only had a single bed? I am sure you can see the tragedy of the situation he was in). Of course the mood was lost and Barney’s cherry stayed in tact for another night. It seems in his excitement, WBFM had ripped off his gear and physically jumped from the floor onto the bed causing the collapse and pulling the side table over with it. The girls left by Taxi about 3.30 in the morning and Barney and I where left in the flat. Stewy was passed out in my bed, so I was looking at a night on the couch.

WBFM gets up to rebuild he bed and go to sleep, he turns around to me and says “you know hook” (for that was my nick name) “this really has been a shit night”.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:11, 2 replies)

The Kingsway.
Are you, by any chance, a Shire Boy?
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 12:24, closed)

Yes sadly I did once inhabit the region
known as the shire but, I moved a long way a way before I got my Southern Cross tattooed over the heart.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 16:13, closed)