Catheters.
I used to be a nurse, so I have a multitude of poor treatment stories which I'll talk about in little doses (see what I did there?). I just left because I was sick of the shit hours and pay, by the way, I wasn't struck off or anything.

Anyway, catheters, for those that don't know, are little plastic tubes that go along one of YOUR tubes to drains something. The most common use is for urinary drainage, they'll go along your urethra in that case, which of course runs along your cock (if you have a cock). The tube has a balloon on it, which is inflated with sterile water to hold the thing in place in your bladder. This balloon is about the size of the end of your thumb if it's inflated properly (but more often than not it's over inflated, maybe even up to ping pong ball size). The tube coming out goes over the side of the bed into a bag that collects the piss. Lovely.

When I was a student nurse (and occasionally after my qualification, too) I would have to lift a patient up the bed, because they had slipped down and couldn't breathe properly or something, and the best way to do this was a two-man lift called the Australian, which involves you and a colleague putting one knee on the bed, one arm in each of the patients armpits, and hoisting him up. You're supposed to put the piss bag and tube out of the way, but I almost always forgot and knelt on the tube... With the result that that balloon that might be the size of a ping pong ball would travel, with force, down your urethra, which is about the diameter of a ball point pen refill, and one of the most sensitive places in your body. OUCH!, in fact: JESUSCHRISTYOUFUCKINGBASTARDSYOU'VEPULLEDMYFUCKINGCOCKOFF!

More things about catheters:

Sometimes you'd forget to put out the sterile water in the kit, so you'd just use whatever was to hand - tapwater from the jug, or OJ or tea.

I once pinched a drainable catheter bag (it had a little tap on the bottom) to fill with vodka in order to smuggle said vodka into a Pixies stadium gig. It worked beautifully - I had worn it slung under my armpit, under my T-Shirt, holster-style. When I was frisked, the bouncer felt it, but decided just to leave it alone.

You can't really have a catheter in permanantly, as there a considerable risk of infection (and not just from clumsy nurses and doctors) so elderly men in long term care tend to sport a 'uridome' which is a condom with a tube to a piss bag attached. Of course no man can resist the occasional wank, so quite often these bags would have a 'head' of congealed spunk floating on top.
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:20, 2 replies)

Ouch!
Parts of your story made me wince, clutch my legs together and sincerely hope I *never* need one of those things.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 12:56, closed)

If you go in for any sort of operation at all that involves a general anaesthetic, you will have one, alhtough it will go in when you're asleep, and may well come out before you wake up, if you don't really need it.

You'll know you've had one because you'll wake up in a big nappy with a sore cock. Although some people might like that...
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 14:16, closed)