Prizes to be won!
No as much ‘fun’ as you’d imagine. Thanks to the ‘rigged’ draw at school, I never got close to the twins. Picture the scene. Our school have – for some reason I don’t know – been invited to take part in the real-crazy-show-where-anything-goes televisual spectacular that was Fun House.

You know, that kids show with those twins that gave boys of my age ‘confused’ feelings and Pat Sharpe who gave boys of my age the reason to not refuse a trip to the barbers – the mulletted twat.

Anyway, on with the story

The school had to select two contestants for our year to take part. Now, with Fun House offering ‘great prizes’ (Chessington world of adventure family pass anyone?) and the chance to get on the telly, everyone was desperate to take part.

The school held this over our heads for ages, promising that only kids who were well behaved and showed improvement in their studies would be considered. Well there we have it. The school overnight became something a bit weird, as all previous bad behaviour was eradicated, and even the mong kids who were borderline psychotic would go out of their way to contribute to society. Everyone made a massive effort.

Oh, for the chance to meet the twins, anything was achievable.

And herein lies the problem. I didn’t get selected. No, I didn’t get selected and the reasons?

Thanks to my new found attention span and enthusiasm for everything educational, I’d finally reached a degree of potential and my reward for all my hard work? The chance to play for the school football team – not the first team you understand, the reserves.

I didn’t even get to sit in the audience. They were taking kids from the other years for that.

The other reason? Nepotism. Turns out that the son of one of the teachers somehow managed to ‘impress the most’ and they got selected.

And they were shit.

If you are going to do the Fun Kart Grand Prix you are – as a minimum going to get your go-kart out of the garage so you have the chance to navigate the studio without the need for 2 different camera men to fish you out of the walls.

They won, as consolation prizes, bags, t-shirts and fun house jackets.

Perhaps more painful than that, was the fact that after this farce was over, the school had a huge, signed picture of Pat Sharpe in the reception area.

Hang on, this didn’t get me on telly did it? Okay, I was interviewed by Chris Vasher of Bristol’s Points West at Glastonbury a few years ago, I wasn’t a great interviewee, given I was totally spannered and I was fearful my mum would notice my bulging eyes and mouth chewing state and make (largely) correct assumptions about my drug intake.

She did watch it and commented to me ‘It looked cold when you were on the telly, you were shivering and shaking, next year, take more jumpers with you’
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 13:12, Reply)