That first post childbirth dump
Although not quite as bad as 3 days in labour, being told by a midwife that you cannot leave the hospital with your bundle of joy until you have had a bowel movement is somewhat disheartening.

Imagine you've just pushed a 9 lb baby out of you. You have been torn and cut, and stitched up, and you're still bleeding like you've been injecting heparin for a week and then been bitten by a lion. Your poor nether regions are in tatters, and even micturation stings like a bitch. You haven't actually eaten anything except the lumpen mess that passes for food in the NHS, and as such your bowels are feeling a little blocked anyway. Oh, and due to the aforementioned blood loss, you are on iron supplements - not a dietary requirement that is known to loosen the stools. Plus which the delightful midwife has informed you that laxatives are only available to women who have had a grade 3+ tear + episiotomy - not your piffling grade 2 + episiotomy (in other words, MTFU).

So this was me sometime last year. Sitting on the (quite frankly filthy) bog in the post-natal ward. I could hear my newborn son screaming, but as I'd got my pants off and managed to lower myself onto the toilet without yelping, I couldn't do much about him. I started to push and in doing so ended up levitating several centimetres above the pan, whimpering and crying as it felt like several red hot pokers dipped in concentrated hydrochloric acid were nesting in my backside.

I sat (well, stood) there for what seemed like hours, straining and sweating, all the while I had tears cascading down my face and I could hear a sort of dull moaning sound, which I later concluded must have been me. After about 15 minutes of this, nothing had happened except that I had exhausted myself to the point of dizziness. I decided to do one last push, utilising the breathing tactics which had been unneccesary during the birth (thank you epidural, thank you!), and finally popped out the tiniest poo I've ever seen in my life. It was pathetic. A decent light microscope would even have had difficulty detecting this feebo-poo.

Still, I was able to proudly inform the midwife tht I had indeed defecated (although judging by the state of me, she probably thought I'd been flinging myself with gay abandon around an assault course, with my hair sticking out in clumps, and my marbled sweaty complexion), and thus was safe to leave the hospital.

(and once home, I did use laxatives, which was possibly a mistake, leading as it did to repeated trouser changes and mr vitamin c having to change the bedding at least once)
( ascorbate, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 10:24, 4 replies)

Sounds rough
At least your son was healthy, so you can reflect on it without too much pain today.
(LakAttack, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 11:37, closed)

Oooh, nasty!
Forcing out a turd with the consistency of carbon steel while your undercarriage is shattered sounds like hell on toast!

My sister didn't have this enforced poo when she gave birth, but then she did crap all over her feet during labour so I guess they'd seen enough. Then her uterus prolapsed, so that'll teach her!

Did you perhaps consider stretching your grade 2 into a 3 under the influence of the epidural in order to qualify for the magic shitting tablets?
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Tue 3 Aug 2010, 12:10, closed)

For future reference and for anyone reading this needing the advice:
Lactulose is your friend. It's not a laxative but it softens everything making it easier to pass. Therefore avoiding some of the horrible laxative aftereffects.

That and you need to drink LOADS especially if you're breastfeeding, orange juice is also good as it helps you absorb your iron better and also helps the poo thing along too.

Yep, am a midwife. :)
(Clarabelle is reverting to type on, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 15:18, closed)

If it's any consolation,
back I had my children, in the Dark Ages when labour was welcomed with an enema, a shave and a slap to the legs for whimpering, I did once manage to spray a particularly brutal midwife in the face with diarrhoea.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 15:21, closed)