Thank you
For years I've squirmed with embarrassment at the cringeworthy things I did at school. But, having read that dozens of you went through the same horrors, I feel a bit (only a bit) less of a freak.

1) "Tap dance."
Primary school (inevitably). For reasons best know to someone else, I decided to tell my music teacher that I could tap dance. I couldn't. I'd seen it on the telly. She then suggested I give a demonstration. After about 15 seconds of me red facedly flailing like a beetroot windmill, she told me to go and sit down with a tone of voice that still makes me shake.
"Class Twat" status achieved effortlessly.

2) "A Scottish Soldier"
Primary school: for some reason the teachers decided random children should do stuff in front of school assembly. Somehow the young Calgacus finds his stupid self in front of hundred of hostile eyes having volunteered - volunteered - to sing a song I'd only heard a few times on a tape: towit "A Scottish Soldier". On stage I got nervous and did what young boys do when they're nervous. Check their flies. In front of hundreds of people. The place erupted. Years of mockery followed. I forgot the words to the song. Forgot how to speak. Forgot how to walk.
"School Twat" status achieved effortlessly.

And it only got worse when I discovered girls...
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 21 Oct 2004, 14:00, Reply)