I wiped cat poo on a politician
We have three cats, one of which is a horrible great ginger sod who shits in our garden, on the grass, and makes no attempt to bury it. If I want the kids to play in the garden I have to go out with a roll of plastic bags and pick up all the turds. One of my sons' friends is over, and I was clearing the garden so they could play. Most of the shit went in the bags, but I got some on my hands. It really stank; my wife keeps feeding him cheese which gives him the squirts. Gagging a bit, I finished up and went to wash my hands. Just before I got to the sink the door bell went, so I diverted to the front door, making sure I didn't touch anything. My younger son opened it for me so I wouldn't get any poo on the handle. Standing there was the Liberal Democrat candidate for my area.

My wife is really getting into this election malarky, developing an interest in the process and candidates' policies. Interestingly, it seems there is a (very) remote chance that the Liberal Democrats might oust the Tories here. She did a tweet that she hadn't got a leaflet from the LDs and one of the LD people tweeted back that if she'd like to help deliver leaflets then they would be most grateful. She agreed, so there was the Liberal Democrat candidate on my doorstep with a bag full of leaflets. Hello he said and thrust his hand towards me. I hesitated a second, torn between not sounding like a lunatic or "sorry, I can't shake hands I'm covered in cat shit". In the end I thought "fuck it" and gave him a firm turdy handshake. Sorry Mr. Liberal Democrat candidate. You seem like a nice bloke.
(Naich, Thu 7 May 2015, 14:17, 1 reply)

I like it.
An excellent variation on the stink palm.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 7 May 2015, 14:32, closed)