Involving a dog, but not dogging
Pink and golden shimmers flecked the sky, tingeing fluffy, sweeping clouds with a magical glow as the sun began its slow descent on that balmy July day. The scent of freshly felled pine trees danced in my nostrils, while the gentle buzzing of grasshoppers filled the air. We skipped ebulliently through Thrunton Woods; eager to find a secluded clearing in which to indulge in a spot of Golden Time of our own. DG had done that funny thing he does with his eyebrow that makes my clopper fizz in an instant. With pounding heart, my woman's insides churning like an industrial vat of Angel Delight, we found the ideal place, way off the beaten track.

I imagined myself in the SAS as we crept through the pine trees with very little stealth. A soft, mossy mound lay before us and we quickly laid out fleeces. Bum bags and rucksacks were clumsily untied and tossed aside with abandon. Fumbling with eachothers pants (his jeans, no problem; my Rohan bags - fiddly fecking zips) we eagerly saught eachothers mouths with hot feverish tongues.

With neither the time nor the need for foreplay, within minutes our interlocking body parts had docked. Did I mention Mildew the spakkadog was with us also? Sensing our urgent excitement, she came bounding over, eager to investigate our groans. Her slice-of-gammon tongue caressed DG's pumping buttocks, knocking him decicedly off his stroke. With not a jot of sympathy* I began to giggle. Until it was my turn. Cold viscous membrane leaving a trail of snot along my dimpled, corned beef thigh, it wasn't funny any more. But we were past the point of no return. Frantically scrabbling for sticks in the immediate vicinity, I threw them as far as I could to give us a few seconds of respite. Throwing like a girl, and being otherwise occupied, seconds was all I managed. Having a poor sense of rhythm to begin with was not helped by the 30 second Mildew interjections as she proudly returned with each stick; taking extra special care to rub any thorny / muddy / mossy bits thoroughly into our exposed parts.

Abandoning the algebraic equations in his head, DG had had enough of Mildew's involvement exacerbating my poor rhythm and shot his hot barley white emulsion twixt my quivering lady-loins.

Then we went to the Tap & Spile to meet Legless for a pint (as was customary on Sundays) where I deposited DG's wriggly milk** in the powder room, within earshot of our friends. How we chortled at "dropping the kids off at the pool".

*sympathy - it's in the dictionary, somewhere between "shit" and "syphillis".

**shamelessly stolen from another b3tan - sounds like one of Spanky's
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 18:58, 15 replies)

Lovely!
A perfect example of bathos.

*clicks*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 19:22, closed)

pardon my ignorance...
...but what is bathos? Or is it one of those rude things I wish I hadn't asked?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 19:33, closed)

One of the forgotten musketeers

(Evilweevil is covered in bees, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 20:41, closed)

Pfft!
And they say romance is dead.
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 19:27, closed)

gimme a bag of nuts
and I'll teach you all I know. Should take a good 3-4 minutes. Or for a balloon, I'll give you the unexpurgated version ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 19:34, closed)

You get extra marks
for using the word "ebulliently". Not enough people use the word "ebulliently" and you used it beautifully.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 19:44, closed)

Aw, thanks honey :o)
Likewise, not enough people make pop-up cock wedding cards ;o) Yours has pride of place on the mantlepiece.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 19:52, closed)

hooray!
I worked my fingers to the BONE on that.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 19:53, closed)

Bravo...!

beautiful, poetic...

and ruder than the wrinkles on a rutting rhino's foreskin in the rain...

*clicks*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 29 Apr 2009, 20:16, closed)

Bravo that pair!
And very well put.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 0:12, closed)

*click*
For the phrases "makes my clopper fizz in an instant", and "wriggly milk".
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Thu 30 Apr 2009, 0:49, closed)

"twixt my quivering lady-loins"
The Bard would be proud.

*click*
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 8:16, closed)

Every time I visit this site
...I receive a fresh vocabulary injection.

Thanks for today's words Tourette's. *click*
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 10:16, closed)

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant
A shining star amongst some of the stellar entries this week.

*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 30 Apr 2009, 12:11, closed)

!
I used to live round the corner from the Tap & Spile! Depending how long ago this was I was probably within 500 Metres of the second half of this story...
(R0SS, Thu 30 Apr 2009, 13:03, closed)