Emily & Emil
I work with a girl, Emily, who's trying for a baby, she'll come into work and tell me in graphic detail about what she gets up to with her boyfriend, a lad named Emil from Prague.

Apparently the best way to get up zee duff is to have incredibly deep penetrative sex. Either good old fashioned missionary or from behind if you're feeling a wee bit kinky. Then there's ovulation and temperature and folic acid and all this other shit, but I think it basically boils down to an awful lot of fucking.

So, I'll be sat there munching on a bacon sandwich while Emily's telling me about her previous evenings exploits. Puts me right off my food, as Emily is not the sort of person you want to imagine naked, let alone being impregnated. She looks a bit like the bastard child of Freddie Kruger and Janet Street Porter. I've actually had nightmares recently about that scene in Alien.

Thankfully, all this has stopped now.

Recently Emily came into work, sat herself down at her desk, looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said: "Emil went for a sperm test. He's got a low sperm count. He can't have children!"

Oh, dear...

"That's terrible. Now - how are we gonna pay these invoices?" I really didn't want to be drawn into a discussion about Emil's spunk potency - I had egg mayonaise sandwiches in my bag for later and, well, you know...

"Can we pay them by bank transfer?" Emily asked, pulling herself together, as I waved the bits of paper under her nose. She was still rubbing her eyes tearfully.

And I just couldn't resist it: "Well, its not as if either of us has got any use for a blank Czech."
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:20, 7 replies)

Good
except that Warsaw is in Poland.

You fail.

:P
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:23, closed)

But... but...
Warsaw's in Poland, innit

You could say - oh-ho! - that Emil's got a non-functioning pole!
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:24, closed)

PRAUGE !!!
SHIT!!!

I, errr, I've just checked with Emily and Emil is actually from Prague...

(honest)... I'm going for a *lie* down...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:26, closed)

A rare slipup from SpankyHanky
But he's probably not really concentrating because it isn't him having sex in the story.
( Scrumper, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:52, closed)

True
on account of thinkin with my penis 99% of the time. It's actually typing this now... Has real trouble with hitting 'shift' and and typing a captial letter at the same time. That takes some practice.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:42, closed)

Sounds like you need
some testicular fortitude.
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:28, closed)

My balls are too busy
holding my cup of coffee and dialing telephone numbers, leaving my hands free to flick the V's at the fun police zombies I work with... but thanks for the suggestion...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 23:41, closed)