Penis mightier than the sword.
I wrote this handy guide for a man who is rather enamoured with both swords and his willy.
Thanks to Viz for inspiration.


Everyone knows someone who owns a penis, and many of us also know someone who owns a sword - but which is better? Edward Bulwer-Lytton once said that the penis mightier than the sword, but is it really? We graded both sword and penis in a number of categories - read on to see the startling conclusion.

Harming other people

Penis - can carry STDs, which may cause long term harm. Also, seeing a gentleman of the road fondling his scabby member outside Camden Road tube station left the author with long term psychological damage. 6/10

Sword - excellent at causing harm, especially when applied vigorously to opponents body. Can even in some extreme cases cause death. Not so effective if opponent is armoured, however, on balance, the sword wins this round - 10/10.


Carving

Penis - not great at carving, unless the material to be carved is exceptionally soft and the owner of the penis is excited and impervious to pain. May be used for carving soft butter or custard. Penis doesn't do so well here - 2/10.

Sword - excellent at carving with its pointy tip and sharp sharp metal. Not very easily controllable however, as tend to be quite long, so person weilding sword for carving needs good hand eye coordination. 8/10.

Writing

Penis - great in a snowy area, as the penis can eject a stream of yellow 'ink' enabling the owner to write their name at least once before they notice how cold it is outside. 6/10.

Sword - see carving - a bit too long for easy writing, although can be used to mark a variety of materials. 6/10.

Reproduction

Penis - used to be an essential tool in human (and all mammalian) reproduction - when excited, known to spit up wriggly milk, a key element in the making of babies. Mad scientists have somewhat reduced the role of the penis in reproduction today, with crazed notions of cloning and basting tubes. Still, in the majority of cases, a penis is used to make baby, a fact the author observed about 11 weeks ago. 9/10.

Sword - not great at reproduction, unless you wish to reproduce smaller versions of the original by chopping the original in two. Actually, could work for earthworms. 3/10

Excretion of waste fluids from the body.

Penis - this is where the penis comes into its own (oo-er). Exceptionally good at removal of piss. 10/10

Sword - the sword is let down in this category by the fact that although it is also good at the removal of fluids from a body, it also has a tendency to kill owner of said body. 2/10

Entertaining of owner.

Penis - have you ever met a penis owner who does not enjoy some down time with madame palm and her 5 lovely daughters wrapped around his pink oboe? The penis clearly wins this round. 10/10.

Sword - Zorro was kept entertained by his sword, but unless you are caped crusader of some description, a sword can only keep you entertained for so long - not a life time. 8/10.


So, what are the final scores?

Penis - 43
Sword - 37

We have conclusively shown that the penis is indeed mightier than the sword. However, in a fight between the two, my money would be on the sword.

(Oh, and the shame element of this answer? that I spent time writing the bloody thing when I could have been doing something worthwhile)
( ascorbate, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 14:57, 4 replies)

That's too many words.
However, I did get as far as "Everyone knows someone who owns a penis, and many of us also know someone who owns a sword - but which is better?"

There's only one way to find out.....FIIIIIIIIGHT.

I don't like to think of myself turning into someone who recites catchphrases, but I do like the idea of Harry Hill's getting paid to oversee a 7 foot tall foam sword knocking off its opponent's helmet
(teebie jeebie, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 15:27, closed)

Very eloquently put
you fucker, you.

*click*
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 16:28, closed)

gets a click
for "wriggly milk"
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 12:48, closed)

Horay....

I own three swords (foli, electric foli, re-enactment broadsword) and one penis. So I win either way.
(fibonacci_cunt cunt, cunt, cuntcunt, cuntcuntcunt,..., Sun 15 Mar 2009, 18:55, closed)