Nursery School
When I was three years old, one of the "Aunties" at my nursery school announced that later in the morning she would be taking anyone who wanted to come on a walk to the local garden centre to look at pretty flowers and stuff. I tagged along seeing as it was a bit of a novelty. When we got there it was predictably boring of course.

Amongst the other kids were these three boys who I used to think of as my nemesis. They seemed like really big boys (although I guess they were probably about a year older than me) they were always monopolising the best toys and generally being a right pain in the arse. Well, the three naughty boys were amusing themselves at this garden centre by climbing on a statue. They were doing this in full view of the Aunties and so obviously I assumed that it was okay to join in. I dashed over to this statue and started climbing all over it, only to be dragged off it by Auntie Bitch and given the bollocking of my life whilst I tried to explain my reasons for assuming that this statue was in fact a climbing frame in disguise. She wasn't impressed and enveloped my arm in a vice-like grip for the rest of the trip. This meant that not only were all the other kids laughing at me but I couldn't look at anything interesting because I was stuck next to Auntie Bitch the whole time, getting nothing but a stellar view of her frumpy skirt. Oh, and also a stellar view of the three naughty boys, who were still happily running around and climbing things.

By the end of the trip, I had finger-shaped bruises on my wrist from where she'd been holding it, and she wasted no time in telling my mother that I'd been a complete shit - generating another bollocking for me and no doubt a huge amount of embarrassment for my mum.

Auntie Bitch also never allowed me on a field trip ever again.

Auntie Bitch, if you're reading this, I'm 24 now and can climb all the statues I want. So cock off, you menopausal old trout.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 16:38, Reply)