Glycerol Explosions
If there's ever a question that calls for TMI, this is it.

Normally, I'm a reasonably regular kind of guy. No problems down there whatsoever. However, a few months ago, I had an unfortunate lack of crap for a few days, and was beginning to feel a bit... bloated and unpleasant. So, I decide to shift the crap.

Allow me to tell you the story of The Glycerol Suppositories.

Our story begins when our hero purchases a 12-pack of these from Boots, and cycles off home for dinner. He goes through all the normal motions of the evening, he eats, he showers, and then he pops two of the little buggers in, after reading the instructions.

Time = 0

Now, you're supposed to leave them in for about 15-30 minutes before you have a movement, so they have time to work on the whole area instead of just stimulating the rectum (not in that way, you filthy filthy people). Slight burn as they went in, but nothing after that. And so I waited, making sure that there was a clear path to the toilet, listening to internet radio, and generally surfing the internet.

Time = 5 minutes

At this point, feeling nothing. I'm wondering if I need to put a third one in, or whether they're just not compatible with me. This feeling of wonder continues until

Time = 6 minutes

Whoah jesus! Massive wave of pressure. Disappears as quickly as it came. Sudden sinking feeling in my stomach, realising that yes, they're working. And yes, they're working damned well. Even more sinking feeling as I realise that I've got to wait at least 10 minutes before I can go to the loo.

Time = 8 minutes

There are pirates in my arse! They're jumping around, sailing ships and shouting YARRRRRR! loudly. Not only that, they've recruited vikings too, and are trying to batter down the gates of my sphincter with a series of cannonblasts! Back and forth!

Time = 10 minutes

All conscious thought has ceased. Nicholas Parsons's melodic voice on Radio 4 does nothing to distract me from my rump. I have never been more aware of it until now. The pirates and vikings have been joined by ninjas, throwing their weight against the brown gates in waves. I believe they're composing some kind of anthem of destruction in C Major.

Time = 13 minutes

Being an atheist, I unexpectedly find religion, praying to God to let me hold out long enough to make it to the 15 minutes on the label without a rather disgusting accident. My rectum has been inspired by Transformers now, as the ninjas, pirates, vikings and newly arrived bulldozers have all joined together into one gestalt entity, named "Crapicon", who is jumping around like a 4 ft nun trying to operate a firehose

Time = 15 minutes

I've gone the time needed on the label. Now begins the short but precarious walk. I don't dare to run, no matter how desperate I am. Crapicon has brought forth the lasers and has managed to invent photon and quantum torpedoes just from my knowledge of Star Trek. One small step, followed by another small step, buttocks tightly clenched... I make it to the bathroom. Thank God there's loo paper, otherwise I would have lost my newfound religion. The door is locked... relief is in sight, the armed forces are about to make a report to head command saying "All men drowned at sea"... and then...

I fart. Long and loud, amplified by the porcelain bowl. It turns out Crapicon and his components were just bluster and hot air, no actual substance. All is well, I can go back toOHJESUSCHRISTMYARSE!

The resulting outflow of shit could have fertilised every farm in East Anglia for a year. It was loud, it was varied in texture, globule size and consistency. If there had been but a pea-sized drip more, it could have reached critical mass and gone nuclear. I'm curled up on the toilet, and whimpering like a newly sodomized yorkshire terrier, praying for it to stop. The window was open, so any passers by would have gotten an entertaining audio show, at least until the stench drifted downwards. It could have stripped the enamel off your teeth, and knocked out a small child at thirty paces.

About 2 minutes later, with intermittent blasts... it does stop. But I'm not fooled. I sit there for fifteen more minutes, waiting... patiently. I shall not be deceived. But this time, it was indeed truly done. The enemies were defeated. I lived to tell the tale, and felt much better later than evening.

Those little translucent bullet things should be shipped out to Iraq as weapons of mass destruction. They work. Oh dear god do they work. I purchased a 12-pack, it has 10 in it now, and it will remain 10 until I throw it out.

Apologies for length. And for the smell.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:17, 16 replies)

Crying with laughter ....
I can barely see to *click* - but I will, good sir, I will. Excellent story!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:30, closed)

Weapons of ass destruction.
There, fixed that for ya.

AAAARRRRR!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:45, closed)

Truly awesome
Laughed 'til a little bit of wee came out.




"Click"
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 18:37, closed)

I hurt from reading that
earned yourself a click you have, and no mistake.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 19:37, closed)

hahaha, crikey!
I'm clicking this for you managing to work pirates, sail boats, vikings, ninjas and bulldozers into a funny story about shit.
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 20:40, closed)

Crapicon and his components.... *click*
What a vivid picture I have of the battles within your *tail*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 23:05, closed)

Your Poor Bottom
I still laughed though. *clicks.*
(Big D, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 23:07, closed)

Stop the QOTW!
Surely no-one can beat this!

*insane clickery*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 23:13, closed)

hilarious....
"whimpering like a newly sodomized yorkshire terrier" made me spit coffee

*click*
( snee held his breath since, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 7:16, closed)

"There are pirates in my arse!"
That on its own merits a click of such gusto that I need a new mouse.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 9:59, closed)

Heheheh
"Being an atheist, I unexpectedly find religion"
*click*
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 15:54, closed)

Hmmm
Glad to see you're enjoying my suffering. It worked though, solved the problem quickly and efficiently.

Just not in a very pleasant way :S
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 17:35, closed)

It was, at this point "Not only that, they've recruited vikings too"
That I fell off my chair with laughter, to the curious stares of my whole office.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 29 Mar 2008, 19:41, closed)

It will be your fault
I'm fired for laughing the next time I have to give a suppository and remember the Ass Vikings.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 8:32, closed)

@Resident Loon
...I've actually got porn called that....Tee hee
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:26, closed)

@Resident Loon
...I've actually got a dirty movie called that....Tee hee
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 16:26, closed)