Whilst living abroad, Amsterdam used to be my weekend residence, about an average of once a month with workmates and friends who also enjoyed partaking of it's well known green refreshment.
Occasionally, a friend from England would come over to join us and be shown the sights. We would notice certain patterns of behaviour oft repeated that would have us quietly rolling our eyes at our fellow countrymen's stupidity.

Firstly the hilarity and confusion at using 'funny money'. All you need is the ability to read numbers and count, it's really not hard!

Then the horror that people talk in a different language and generally don't speak English (although most vendors know enough for you to manage fine). One idiot even getting paranoid that everyone there was discussing him! Well after you kept pointing at them and yelling 'Yeh, fuck you too, fuckin Kraut!' they probably were.

The need for them to see the red light district and their stupid wide eyed big headedness when the prostitutes would tap on the window and blow kisses at them and such. Yes mate, but it's their JOB, you have to PAY them!!??

No one EVER believes you that the shit they smoke in Amsterdam is WAY stronger than the green stuff you get in England and to be cautious, 'cos obviously they are FAR too butch for that! Then proceed to buy the strongest stuff available, make a pure joint of it, take two drags of it, and spend the next hour pukin hard outside the cafe. Everytime. Without any exceptions. They all learn't bloody quickly though!!

Then, if they stay for more than a few days, NEVER leave the house unless accompanied. 'Cos it's full of foreigners don't ya know! Who knows what might happen....

I once spent an entire evening apologising for my fellow countrymen when a group of football wankers trolled about the place getting furiously pissed and trying to pick fights with every male local for 'being fookin hippy fookin bastads, c'mon, y'bastad!'. They were generally ignored, but my god was I embarassed.
Actually, they have an excellent policy for that in Amsterdam, they just keep serving them until they pass out, then take the money off them for the drinks (and possibly a bit more for their trouble) and leave the cnuts in the street outside. I passed most of them dotted about sitting in their own urine later. I'm sure everyone was suitabley impressed.

That is all....
( ..wil, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:04, Reply)