Unfortunately, this is all too true.
I spent years trying to shag my housemate (female) on and off. I was utterly, besotted, in love, and she liked me, but never really fancied me. She had exotic, interesting boyfriend's, whose intricate deaths I plotted. I spent many, many nights in my room trying not to hear them shagging. Every few weeks, we'd get drunk and she'd let me frig her but never shag or touch me in any sexual way. She would let me wank whilst lying next to her - thats how bad it was. This went on in a cycle of self loathing and hate really, for years, for both of us.

It only ever, ever happened when drunk. Combining alcohol, a lot of self pity, and the repression of those 'she is only letting me do this out of pity' thoughts had the side effect of generally making little Coke remain little, and coming for me was very difficult, if I could get it up at all. It was, I had long since realised, utterly, utterly pathetic. But I was in love.

One day, the gods were smiling. She was lying in bed, smoking, with a look on her face somewhere between disdain and disgust at me and herself. I had just made her come, with my fingers, and I was idly sucking her nipples as she liked that. I was enjoying feeling a rare hardon, pressed up against her hip.

Are you hard? She asked suddenly. I wore my best shit eating grin. Nothing makes me harder than hearing a girl say that. It says oh so much more.

Do you want to fuck me? she said, between drags, the smoke curling out of her mouth as she stared.

She stubbed out her fag, and rolled over on to her front, and motioned for me to get behind. Oh fucking YES.

Shit. I went soft. Nothing. Nada. I think I was basically terrified. My stomach dropped. Think. I tugged away frantically

"What the fuck are you doing? Just fuck me. This wont happen again."

Only one possible course of action remained open to me. I would have to improvise. I made an excuse to change position and grabbed her one and only dildo which I knew was in her bedside table. I held it between my legs and thrust into her. She groaned. Not surpsingly because it wass shitload bigger than me. She reached under and grabbed my balls and fucked my 'cock' until she came.

Sated, she told me to pull out and finish myself. I pretended to come in the dark. I chucked the dildo under the bed. Eventually i got up and went to 'clean up' in the bathroom. I think I probably cried.

So, basically, I hacked my own erection, and DIY'd.

I am honestly, not that guy anymore!!!
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:13, 14 replies)

This is very disturbing
But kudos on the quick thinking.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:23, closed)

I am about to post this on /talk
You have just won the internet.
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:24, closed)

this is all kinds of wrong
sexual dysfunction, self hatred, substance abuse.

I don't know whether to recommend counselling or click "i like this"
( rob, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:29, closed)

I clicked it
This sort of shame can never be aloud to be forgotten
( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:31, closed)

This should be newslettered.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:47, closed)

This is so embarrassing and pathetic that I've clicked it.

( Harold Bishop's Love Child some sort of terrifying sex magician., Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:32, closed)

Good Lord!
One feels your pain. It would be impious of me to claim ignorance of this type of situation, in fact, I daresay most male genitalia have been in similarly twisted trysts, but heaven knows very few would have gotten out of it in the way that you did.

I salute your candour and ingenuity, for you are St. McGyver of Erectile Dysfunction!
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:48, closed)

Even Jeremy kyle
Would blanch at this story
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:48, closed)

Bullshit
If it was dark when you "pretended to come in the dark" then how did you see the smoke curling out of her mouth? Eh? Eh?
( Three Dog Man, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:51, closed)

In the dark: euphemism
Like in the pink, except more sweetcorn.
( rofl harris, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:41, closed)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:52, closed)

I am pleased you got to see this.

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:02, closed)

Mr Softy strikes again...
Feel your pain, mate. At least it wasn't a vibrator and you accidentally turned it on. I reckon if she felt your love length buzzing away like a remington fuzz away up her clout that would've taken a wee bit of explaining.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:03, closed)

^ What Rob said
Who's to say whether this is merely the product of a diseased imagination or not?


A bonus PJM click to the first meme poster.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 27 Aug 2009, 13:13, closed)