My Arse
I feel I may have covered this one once before... But my arse simply doesn't shit straight.

Sit bolt upright on the crapper while dropping the kids off, and the bastard thing fires offline.

Ok... Maybe I've not given it my full attention.

So. Sit upright, back straight. Hands on knees to maintain a symmetrical position and ensure that arse is correctly positioned on the seat.

Deep breath... Squeeze. *Thunk-splash*

Fuck it. It'll never shoot straight. god knows why.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:05, 12 replies)

I'm thinking
as a physicist rather than anyone who knows anything whatsoever about biology, that maybe you have some sort of obstruction on one side of your arsehole which causes extra friction and shoots the emerging turd off centre.

Perhaps a small haemorrhoid? You could get someone to look for you.

*doesn't volunteer*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:18, closed)

.
Maybe one buttock is bigger than the other?
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:21, closed)

maybe
you've got arse-pixies. They live in your rectum, occasionally put bits of broken glass into your poo, and (in your case) push your turds off-side.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 14:52, closed)

I think you make the mistake......
of thinking that your trouts might actually be straight. Also, they would have to spin like a round leaving a rifle to go dead straight. This would also require your anus to "be rifled" - that is to have a spiral channel dug into your ring that would force the exiting turd to spin.

I think turds are coiled in the exit queue, so I would expect them to come out of centre.

There is a whole weaponary procedure called "aiming off and miss drills" that instruct you how to correct your aim and repeatedly hit the target straight. But without a massive investment into turd based projectiles, and perhaps a laser sight, you sir, are screwed.

I'll keep an eye on my own catering offload in the future.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 15:52, closed)

^Nope.
It's arse-pixies. Definitely.

The little bastards.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:15, closed)

A bit of bum love
should straighten you out. Clear out the blockages, so to speak.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 16:45, closed)

try this.
1. Draw a picture of a hated personal enemy/public figure onto a single sheet of toilet roll.

2. Place the toilet roll drawing side up in the water

3. Position buttocks on seat of thunder throne

4. Profit!
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 19:16, closed)

i'm with bob on this one
it's definitely arse pixies.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 21:56, closed)

Freedom of expression....
When it comes to crapping, I never go for symmetry. Instead, I prefer to go for more abstract designs. A couple of months ago (during shit stories part 2 qotw) I shat a perfect apostrophe. In Times New Roman, 50+ points.

*clicks for poo post*

p.s. I'm curious as to how to achieve a "thunk-splash" - mine are more of a "splerDOOSH"?

How are you doing Mr Humpty? Haven't "seen" you for a while....
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 0:09, closed)

Aim
You don't really want to drop them straight - you'll get the big splash straight back up to tickle chill and rehydrate, no thanks,
(Benzyl, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 0:28, closed)

AHaha
Why are the funniest stories always about poo?
(Freddles, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 11:17, closed)

Angle
The question is... does it fire offline in a consistent direction, or is it random?

You could sit skewed on the seat to compensate and ensure a downwards trajectory.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 13:41, closed)