Voyerism
Many years ago, my cousins lived in a terrace house and my cousin`s bedroom was in the roof, which looked down on the houses across the road. Many Saturday nights me and my cousins used to watch, which to our preteen minds was action. Basically the bloke over the road used to give his missus a good seeing to, many times she was lying naked on the bed and in he would come cock sticky out proudly and then proceed. One of my cousins mentioned it a school one day and it turned out they were schoolfriends relatives, after that curtains were drawn and our sex education ended
(buddysfender, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 22:29, 2 replies)

Public micturation
We seem to be having a series of these, so I'll toss in my own...

One night I was downtown and met up with a woman I met online for drinks. Nothing remarkable happened there, sad to say, so about midnight I headed home alone.

As I drove home I remembered that I needed some shampoo, so I decided to stop at the 24 hour drugstore that was en route. As I got out of my car a fairly well-dressed couple in their fifties got out of a sedan a few spaces over from me. They were both pretty clearly intoxicated, so apparently they had been out in the downtown bars- the woman was dressed in a leather miniskirt and striped blue stockings with a rather expensive looking jacket over her silk blouse. The man said that he needed to go in and get some cigarettes, and the woman said, "Well, I gotta pee."

"You're coming in with me then?"

"No, I'll take care of it here." And with that she proceded to lift up her leather miniskirt and peel down her striped pantyhose, revealing a large and complex tattoo on her right thigh- she was actually in very good shape I might add, so her legs were quite nice- and squatted down on the pavement.

Bear in mind that this was a very well lit parking lot, they were parked right next to the building, and she was in the space between our cars with her growler an inch off the pavement. And I was standing about fifteen feet from her at the time. And, being almost six feet tall, it's not as if I'm incon-fucking-spicuous. I know damned well that she saw me as I was getting out of my car because she had smiled at me.

I stopped in shock for a moment, but then kept going as the steaming reeking river made its way across the parking lot to the storm drain. I managed to avoid eye contact with either of them as I went in, and they were gone when I emerged.

As this was a 24 hour store in a good section of town and a brand new building less than a year old, I wondered why the hell she didn't just go in and use the bathroom there. Then I remembered that smile she gave me...

The possibilities were just too horrid to contemplate further. By the time I got home I really felt the need for that shower.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 12 Oct 2007, 22:22, Reply)

Many years ago
A friend and I were waiting in our car near a nightclub to pick up some friends.

A slightly inebriated young woman was stumbling through the dark car park and stopped right in front of our car. It was dark and the engine was off so she obviously couldn't see us.

She then proceeded to squat down and relieve herself.

Being the kind souls we were, we waited til she was almost finished and then switched on the headlights.

She really was like a startled rabbit, unable to move until she finished, yet shocked to the core.

Oh how we laughed.
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 22:00, Reply)

As luck would have it...
"Avon's chief fire officer said he has received a death threat after disciplining four firefighters for being on Bristol Downs."

"The abuse followed his intervention after an incident where four firefighters were disciplined for being in the wrong location in June."

"It was later reported that they had disturbed men having sex on the Bristol Downs."

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bristol/7040841.stm
( IHaveABadFeelingAboutThis most likely working from home on, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 21:52, Reply)

when out rock climbing....
2 things spring to mind....
1. I was belaying (standing getting a stiff neck watching the first climb). It was at High Tor a limestone climb. Anyway, I am standing stock still, not making a noise, when I hear the jangle of a fellow rock climbers harness about 6 feet away. I turn to expect to say hi so someone, and was instead greeted by the rear of a youg lady taking a pee, completely oblivious of me because of my total silence and the small whispy trees in between us. Unintentional voyeruism, but very steamy none the least (It was a little chilly!)

2. Stanage, the plantation, I just got to the end of a climb, set up anchors and sat on the edge to haul my second up when I group of walkers, who did not think about looking up, all of the women had a group pee. They thought they were hiding from the men folk in their group, but i think i was the only one on the ridge that morning, waving like mad at them! My line of sight must have been 100 yards or so, so i did not get to see or hear what they had to say on the matter. Again unintentional, but heyho.....

Length? About 100 yards given the angle....
(i AM that masked man Book him Tonto, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 21:44, Reply)

Monsters of rock 1992
Pushing my way through the crowd I suddenly found myself in an empty space . In the centre of that space, surrounded by a ring of bemused headbangers, stood a man with his trousers around his ankles, shagging a blowup doll.
(Big D, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 21:03, Reply)

Back exercises
I was out taking little Demi God over to his mother's, before going back to Pink Goddess's for the week. She had stayed at mine, as her back was rather painful, and she wanted to lie down before getting back in the car.

I walked back into the bedroom, to find her completely naked, doing her back exercises with her eyes closed. These seemed to consist basically of waving her ladygarden around. Naturally, I immediately sprouted a diamond-cutting erection.

Let's remember that this is the same wonderful lady as www.b3ta.com/questions/wehavetotalk/post77076/.

So, she opens her eyes, to see me engaged in relaxing in the gentleman's way.

She smiled, gestured towards her flange, and says "Hop on!"

I did, and finished up in style.

Afterwards, I felt much less stiff, but apparently her back was still somewhat painful.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 20:58, Reply)

Shoulda shut the door
I walked in on my brother and his then missus having a crafty game of hide the sausage. I made my excuses and left.

We never spoke of it again.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 20:45, Reply)

Morning after.
I'll call him ronan for that is his name. ronan went out on the piss the other week, and the next day he had to go to uni, another mate went to call on him so they could go together. He answered the door in his boxers telling him that he was too buckled to go to uni. He then passed out in the lounge, unfortunately for him he flopped out in the process. He awoke in the afternoon surrounded by about 6 people watching telly, cock still out.

Length? He covered it with a cusion.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 20:40, 1 reply)

Second hand voyeurism
Many years ago the local drinkers used to gather near my office (mainly because we were paying their giros on a weekly basis) and also because Kwik Save was right next door to the post office - winos paradise within 50 yards. Any way one of our favourite ladies of the road was seen to be pleasuring one of her fellow vagrants in Kwik Save's side door at 1pm in full view of street/shoppers etc. We only became aware that it was a lady when she paused in her task to greet her favourite staff member mid task shall we say!
(scaredy-cat, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 20:32, Reply)

Back in the days of old...when I was a yoof
During my GCSEs many years ago, I remember missing my alarm and figuring 'ahh, shit, I'm late for my exam. Well, I might as well have an early-morning bout of onanism, as frequently one does around those formative years.

I was probably about a minute into it, when I'm startled by a shoud of 'stop fucking wanking and get to college' by my dear father. Fuck.

So I got dressed faster than ever thought possible, and was out the door in seconds.

Got to the exam late and never did get to finish that early-morning frottage. Arse. Failed the fucker, too. Mind, it was general studies...

Ever since, I've locked every door in the house and considered hiding in a box before commencing.

Issues, you say? Perhaps...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 19:58, 1 reply)

Like a racehorse, I tell you
I was working on a mate's computer in his office in Cambridge, once. The computer in question was at a desk that looked out of a ground-floor window onto the little gravel parking space behind the building.

Working away, I was, when a very ginger and quite odd-looking lady in a large denim skirt walked furtively into the parking area. Looking around and unaccountably failing to see the BLOODY GREAT and slightly open WINDOW right behind her, she backed up to said window, whisked her skirt up around her waist, bent forward to reveal a fluffy, very ginger and knickerless foo-foo, and let loose with a truly impressive gout of steaming yellow piss. About four feet from where I was sat.

I just couldn't tear my eyes away. When she was done, she bent her knees and parted her legs just a little more and gave the whole area a shake, with an accompanying comedy fart. She dropped her skirt and strode authoritatively out of the car park, leaving me slack-jawed. I leaned forward and pulled the window shut, as the stench started to drift into the office.
(lustfish, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 19:15, 1 reply)

Beach shaggers in the Bay
Like Greencloud, I too have seen shaggers on Whitley Bay beach. One night, after working in one of the hideous nightclubs on the sea front, I walked down the beach to see a crowd of 10+ people who were all watching a bloke and bird go at it like the clappers. I can understand why they were going at it fast though, it was December and the North East of england can be a bit chilly at that time of year.
(skipping merrily in the meadows, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 18:49, 2 replies)

New York City
I used to live in NY (as many of you know) and I had an amazing flat on the Upper East Side. Without a doubt, one of the finer neighborhoods in that city.

So I come home from a night out on the piss with a bunch of my buddies and I stumble into the flat and decided that, since it was such a great night, I figured I would go sit on the front window ledge and enjoy the view of all the people returning from their evenings out…

Across the street, and one flight down from my flat I casually caught the image of a woman walking past her window. She was nude. I was thankful. However, she was not the lovely brunette I had seen once before...this young lady had reddish hair and milky skin…all very nice.

So I tell a couple of buddies and the next time we all go out, they decide to pop by my place to have a gander at the neighbor across the street.

Five minutes after I unlocked my front door, my buddies had gone through every closet in the house and returned with two pairs of binoculars and one SLR camera with a menacing looking zoom lens.

So I have three windows across the front of my flat...every window had two blokes staring across the street as BOTH the tenants of that lovely apartment show up and are BOTH buck-naked. There was the once familiar brunette AND the auburn haired lass.

And either they knew we were all there staring or they were lesbians.

It NEVER happened again unless there was a group of us. If it was just me, no joy. If there was four or more of us and they were home, they would suddenly have an insatiable desire to kiss and touch each other in the one bedroom with open curtains.

When I moved out of that flat, I wept softly.

This story is 100% TRUE! Those were the days!

Citadel
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 17:49, Reply)

Converted shower room
Years ago my then-girlfriend lived in a house with three other (rather fit) girls. At the back was a room that was converted into a shower room. The window was just a normal window, but it had a heavy net curtain to protect the girls’ modesty.

All summer, I never thought twice about it. Then one WINTERS day it was dark outside and I was chatting in the kitchen with my girlfriend. I glanced out the window and there, undressing and lit up like she was on-stage was her flatmate about to get into the shower.

I couldn’t look away. It was like a gift from the gods. After a few minutes, my girlfriend spotted that I was distracted and asked me what I was looking at. My blood ran cold. I froze. My girlfriend turned around to look where I was looking – and lo, indeed the gods were shining on me – because as she turned, the flatmate disappeared into the shower – out of sight.

“Well? What are you looking at?”

So I told her the (sort-of) truth.

“I was just thinking that you can see into the shower room. Perhaps you should put up a wooden blind or something?”

And so we had a conversation for the next five minutes about “Oh yes, so you can – we’ll have to get that sorted”.

The only difference was, my girlfriend thought the room was empty, and I was just preying that the gods would keep my girlfriend’s back turned when her flatmate finished in the shower and stepped out into the light to dry off.

And lo! They did!

Happy days.
(Flickr_Freak is a figment of your imagination., Fri 12 Oct 2007, 16:41, Reply)

As most of these stories start....a few years back.....
I used to live with my then GF on the upstairs flat of a masonette and our down stair neigbours were a South African couple who we never did really see eye to eye with.

Anyways During the summer months when it was hot and we had the windows open we would often hear them go at it hammer and tongs, now I have to comment that either the chap was Hung like a stallion or she was seriously noisy as you could hear every stroke.

Unfortunately it got to the point that I think that he like to prove that he was Don Wan and would start to plough the missus during the day when were in the garden. At first it was amusing but it soon became annoying and then embarrassing when we had friends around.

So one day I decided to freak them out a bit, so the morning after the had been at there noisiest best, mentioned that in passing that I had seen someone in the back garden snooping and I when I opened the kitchen window he did a runner. To which he grunted something like "what, ill kell da faking bastard if i see heem".

All I had to do now was wait for another performance and I would pounce, and after about a week once again they were giving us a rendition of the natural history channel at 1 in the morning, so I waited till they were well and truly about to break some furniture and I just stuck my camera out the window and let the flash do the rest. Anyways as soon as the flash illuminated the garden the saffa oaf instantly thought that the "snooper" was in his garden taking pictures of them humping, and within seconds he's in the garden with a baseball bat screaming that he's going to kill the Mofo and all sorts of shit, of course this woke up most of the street who looked out to see the fella standing bollock naked ranting like a loon.

Soon after they moved on and I like to think I had something to do with it as they were really and obnoxious pair of racist twunts.

No length or gurth jokes were harmed during the telling of this story.
( caffeinefreak, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 16:27, Reply)

Tall storeys
It's reassuring to me that so many b3tards share my own peeping-tom perversions. Perhaps that's why I love it here... here's my own recent experience.

Mrs Chart Cat and I live in a high-rise block of flats. Our apartment isn't overlooked by any of our neighbours, except the gay couple who live next door, but they are always out.

One Friday evening, she was out and I was on callout duty, so I couldn't leave the house. I got bored, so I went to have a look around on the balcony. Mischief soon took over, so I fetched my high-calibre aircraft-spotter binoculars and I started scanning across the many windows visible from my lofty perch. Within a few minutes, I'd spotted a young, good looking couple wearing only towels in the low-rise flats across the road. As they watched TV, her hands were rummaging around in his towel, so I went inside and grabbed a beer, wedged the binoculars in place and took up my seat to enjoy the show.

I was treated to a half-hour long spectacle that rivalled any of the grot I have plundered from the murky depths of the internet. Through those powerful zoom lenses, I witnessed every kind of penetration, multiple positions and at one point, they went out onto their own balcony to get some fresh air, giving me an even better view of proceedings. Being alone and having solidly-positioned the binoculars against the balcony guard rail, I couldn't resist the urge to join them in their coitus, albeit from quite a distance. So I fwapped away for a while, watched him unload all over her face, then I promptly finished myself off too.

Just as I did so, I heard a noise that was too close for comfort. Like a startled meercat, I sprang up and away from the edge of the balcony to be greeted by the sight of one of the gay lads next door wearing nothing but a smile as he watched me concluding the shameful act.

The yin-yang balance of the universe had been restored. In the process of being a voyeur, I had inadvertently become the subject of it myself. My neighbour winked at me, wished me a pleasant evening and went back inside. I couldn't say anything, nor move. I felt double-dirty, both in that post solo-climax kind of way, and for being the subject of sexual spying myself.


Sadly, most of this story is true, I promise. I'm terrified of bumping into him on the long journey to our floor in the lift...
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 16:17, Reply)

I was on-call
Years ago I worked for a retail company where I had to be on-call at weekends for 'emergencies'. Anyway, one Saturday one of our stores had a minor fire and I had to go and sort some stuff out.

Everything fixed, I went back to the office to write up a brief report. I walked into the office where the Operations guys were. Except, there was nobody there. "That's strange" I thought "There's supposed to be someone here at all times during trading hours". And then I heard it. Coming from the server room: "OH MICKEY! OH YEAH! F**K ME MICKEY! F**K ME HARD! CALL ME A F**KING WH*RE MICKEY!".

It seemed that Mickey had invited his girlfriend in to keep him company.

Well, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to interrupt a man while he's banging his girlfriend - especially when she's giving him such good encouragement. But on the other hand, I just want to get the report written and get out quick.

I spot my headphones on my desk. So I sit down and start writing the report - with my headphones on.

10 minutes later, Mickey's girlfriend walks out of the server room and lets out a huge "OH HOLY F**KING JEBUS!" and goes bright red.

I just feigned surprise and said "OH! Sorry to startle you! I didn't think anyone was in. I was listening to the radio. I guess I should have taken these headphones off when I came in!"

She suddenly saw that I was giving her an easy get-out. This way we could both just pretend that I heard nothing.

She looked instantly relieved.

It was a perfect situation... until of course, Mickey walked out behind her, doing up his flies, and asked her "What are you shouting about? Yer ar*ehole isn't bleeding again is it?"

And with that - the game was up.
(Flickr_Freak is a figment of your imagination., Fri 12 Oct 2007, 16:14, Reply)

probably bindun but...
sometimes when I'm feeling in a good and happy mood, when I'm in that happy place where I don't worry about all the things in the world, I try and do nice things for my family, like give my husband massages, and take my little girls to Toys R Us.

My son though, he was going through his teenage years and if any of you are parents I'm sure you'll understand when I say I don't really know what to do to be nice to him, it seems everything is met with a grunt!

Anyway, last year he was going through a tough period at school, you know, acne, girls, a wee bit of bullying his father and I suspected, so I thought I'd surprise him and made him some tea and biscuits (the ice cream van was playing its music so I thought this would have to do).

I went up to his room and... there he was.

With his little bobby out. Eyes closed. Headphones on.


Wanking furiously.



I can't seem to find that happy place anymore.
(Lannes, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 16:07, Reply)

modern houses = thin walls
I recently moved into a modern house which is the middle of a terrace, since then I find myself not having to watch the telly as
a) the middle eastern neighbours on the left are far more entertaining than Corrie,
b) the young couple next door have something of a noisy and adventurous love life.
God does she scream! One night it was all I could do not to shout "Stop asking the fucking question she's already told you YES more than once!"
but I was rewarded last Saturday by over hearing the following:
him "fuck, fuck, oh God sorry, oh FUCK!!"
her "don't worry, you've been under a lot of stress and we've both had a lot to drink.....lets just cuddle"
Laugh? I fell off the bed.

length?
not a lot and all of it soft by the sounds of it!

P.S. last QOTW for a few months as I'm off to somewhere sandy and miserable for a while, as we say in the Mob Kat Slater.
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 12 Oct 2007, 16:05, Reply)

men....having sex
i saw something recently that I shouldn't have and i never want to remember but i thought I should recount it one last time for b3ta.

i live in a block of flats opposite a gated community full of well-to-do 'young professionals' and the like living in flats. Cos i live on the 5th floor I can spy to my hearts content. My life is pretty much the same as Jimmy Stewart's in 'Rear Window'.

I once saw a young boy playing on his Nintendo Wii and that made me want a Wii.
I often smile when I see these two cats that live in another flat jumping around.
I once saw a man doing star jumps.
I look out in the hope that I see who lives in the flat that never opens their blinds. Never.

BUT ONCE, on a dark, balmy, summer's night I happened to see the most horrifying scene I have ever witnessed in my entire life. But I just couldn't tear my eyes away.

Across the way was a little window with the light on and the blinds weren't drawn. I see a topless man with man-boobs looking quite sweaty, bobbing up and down. "haha", thinks I, "someone's getting sexy!"
But then the man gets up, grabs a tube of something, squeezes something onto his hand and then...rubs it onto his..his hole!!!
Naively, I wonder why he's lubing himself up and then, popping up into view appears...another man!!
"OMG - there are two gays having sex OFMG!", i shriek at my boyfriend.

I'm not going into any more detail but let's just say I saw bums, willies, man-boobs and it wasn't pretty.
(saf, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 16:04, Reply)

Teachers
Embarking on the academic ordeal of GCSE maths, I was somehow put into top set. The authoritarian techer (Mrs Macbeth, IIRC) was a right hard-liner. Think Maggie Thatcher with extra testosterone and a grey ponytail. She would make us hand in our homework during break the day after class so we had to do two lots per week.

On one such errand to drop off my exercise book (split-site school, that errand was about a 1.5 mile hike, the cunt) I sauntered straight into the classroom only to find her with one foot on a chair adjusting her stockings / suspenders. UUrrrggghhh!!!

I've tried to remember clearly what happened after that, but all I can think of is the part in Drop Dead Fred where he says "Look, Snotface. Cobwebs!" I think i just put my book on the nearest desk and retreated in wide-eyed bewilderment to go for a tab.
*Shudder*
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 16:03, Reply)

At a party
I was at a News Years Eve party in my late teens. At the time I had an on/off girlfriend who was there. Also in attendance was a mad ex-girlfriend and a girl I fancied the pants off.
After a bottle of vodka I managed to get my hand into the knickers of the girl I fancied, get dumped by my girlfriend and make the ex-girlfriend resort to cutting herself in a bedroom. In my drunken stupor I was very proud of this. In the morning I wasn't, and all involved hated my guts.
Strangely enough I got back together with the on/off girlfriend and we've been together to this day.
(JoePhoto, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:56, Reply)

Shared house
I once lived with 7 mates in the wonderful village of Moseley and regularly went clubbing. My friend Justin at the time also did the same and many a night after Atomic Jam we would be up until the wee hours.

One morning however he was clearly still wide awake at around 9am and went to see who else was around for a smoke or two. He ascended the stairs of our house to see if Rob was up and fancied a game of Super Mario Kart.

Rob was indeed up, bollock naked and had his headphones on, his mattress was covered in copies of "Fat and Forty". Rob has his back to the door and was tugging to save his poor life.

Poor Justin had way too much of an eyefull to ever face the guy properly again.
(MistahG, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:52, Reply)

Whitley friggin' Bay!
I was only about 7 or 8 at the time. My uncle had taken us to the beach on a weekend to give the dog a walk. While somewhere in front of the promenade (I remember a big concrete wall at the top of the beach) we happened across what looked like Casper having a seizure.

Even at that tender young age, I couldn't believe this couple had the bare-faced cheek to be shagging right in the middle of a public beach secluded by nothing more than a bedsheet. My older brother wanted to kick sand over them. My uncle ushered us past smirking and I, I did nothing. I was a completely gobsmacked innocent young boy.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:51, Reply)

mmmm pizza
It was about 4 years ago and me and my - now ex girlfriend had been on a day out in the car, as it had been a nice day I decided to treat us to a pizza watching the sunset near the beach. She was a nice girl - with good morals... (we had been going out for a few weeks and still no sex, which kinda pissed me off, but I was a patient guy)

What a lovely idea - we sat in her car with a pizza in a lovely beach side car park.

When we arrived there were still a few people knocking about with their kids etc wrapping up their days out. Anyway we stay a little longer listening to the radio, kissin and feelin, but nothin more. At this point we realized the car park was empty we aware all alone its about 20 minutes from being pitch black .... that’s not a problem I thought, I don’t have to be anywhere, and neither did she. so we carry on kissin and cuddlin, the windows gettin a little steamier... Then a car pulls up close to us, then another. What followed was quite strange, the cars began to flash their lights and lower then higher their side windows. This was strange. Then one guy gets out of his car, walks over to the other car stands near their car window for 5 minutes looking in - doesn’t speak to the car owners, then walks back to his own car and gets back in. Me and my ex at this point, were a little freaked out. It then came to our attention that there were about 3 or 4 persons (not sure if they were guys or girls due to bad light) dotted around the car park standing still, all facing the 3 cars. As if they were waiting for something to happen.

The car next to us wound its window down they it was a couple, they leaned over and looked at us..... they just stared with a blank expression.... we looked back, and it stayed like that for what felt like hours, but was probably 1-2 minutes... they didn’t utter a word, but just watched us, as we watched with equal curiosity right back...

Then the woman in the car started kissing the mans neck - with him still staring at us.... baring in mind the other car in the car park is still flashing its lights, plus the random people outside the cars seemed to be growing in numbers.... had we discovered some sort of perverted cult??!??!?

That was it- we were freaked out - it was now dark and the only light was that of the 3 cars headlights. We revved up and sped out of the car park... I later learned about what the term 'dogging' meant, upon reciting the events to my brother, and that we had inadvertently gone to a dogging hotspot. My Ex is now my ex because she thought it was a sick attempt to get her laid as she wasn’t giving me any. she dumped me soon after.

and no, none of the car park antics turned me on....

length? the car was a ford fiesta, so about 12ft.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:50, Reply)

stupid stupid stupid
i have quite a few stories but this stands out as the best, i know the people involved read this here board but but who cares it all anonymous (mail me for names and addresses)

i used to work for a bloke who although was a decent chap to know became a complete twunt of a boss of the IT department i worked for...

Said boss at some point in our time together started dating a complete fox that used to work for the same company and all the guys fancyed a bit of.. needless to say some of us were jealous

a few weeks later ex boss decided to purchase for himself a spanky new digital camera and within a few days confirmed that he and foxy missus had made good use of it in a sexual way... me and collegues were sworn to secrecy

fast forward a few months and ex boss suddenly gets made redundent on the spot.. poor bloke has no chance to sort anything out and leaves the meeting and the company right there and then, after a couple of months i find myself needing to rebuild his old laptop and assign it to a new member of staff, seeing as he was a manager it was nessasary to check his documents for any IT/Systems related work.. passwords, works orders etc and found as im sure u all guessed already a folder containing many high quality home made images and movies.

so what to do with these rather interesting photos of foxy girl and ex boss ? (bearing in mind that although he's left the company she still works there) well im a nice quiet polite chap that wouldn't want to see her get wound up, embarrassed or her reputaion damaged so i deleted the lot, reformatted the drive and got the only other 2 people who knew sworn to secrecy about the find... no one else had to know

9:00 next morning, everyone knew (seems someone thought her flat mate ought to know to be there for her if the truth came out) as it turns out she started telling everyone anyway (i think as a sort of "its better coming from me" sort of thing) and i was offered stupid money for copies of the disc everyone assumed i had made of it which i hadn't, i was gutted it was so expected of me to have kept these pics that i might as well have done !!

anyway it didn't matter as one year on and several re-formats later i got hold of the laptop and ran an undelete on it and lo and behold there they still were (if u want to lose evidence buy a new hard drive and destroy the old one otherwise we can still find it !!)

so if u are reading this guys, i did NOT keep the images when i found them for wanking material.. but a year later was another story until my hard drive crashed and mr IT manager here was too stupid to back up his own hard drive... doh

i do wonder if our paths might cross one day... as there was no pics of her tits and i kinda feel like i missed out something...

length ? i dont wanna talk about it, i might get jealous of him again...
(maxumus HEY!.... diddly dee, de de de de de de, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:43, Reply)

festival antics
I can't quite remember which festival it was, either Roskilde in Denmark, or Beautiful Days in Devon....

I was sat enjoying the usual herbal remedies with some friends; sunning ourselves outside one of the main tents/stages at this festival.

I noticed that a little way away, against a wall that led from one side of the tent, a man and woman were in a passionate embrace, clearly getting some no-holds-barred, tongue down throat action on.

I didn't think much of this until they turned a little, the man now with his back to us. The woman crouched down in front of him and proceeded to give him oral relief.

Naturally I pointed this out to my associates, and gradually the crowd around us became aware of what was going on.

Took them a few minutes to finish up, and when she eventually stood up and they both turned to walk off, they were met by a crowd of at least 200 merry festival goers applauding, cheering and whistling, while they made a quick and embarrassed looking getaway.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:36, Reply)

The dirty, dirty bushes...
A couple of weeks ago, in the QOTW, I mentioned working in the Aladdin's Cave takeaway in Padiham in the early 90s. Seems I'm not the only one who remembers it, as I got a couple of messages from surviving patrons of that particular food-poisoning emporium. This was odd, as I was sure we'd killed them all with the lamentable hygiene standards of that place.

Anyway, the takeaway was open until well after the pubs shut, so we didn't get home until late. One night I was walking up the hill to my house at about 1 AM when I heard a noise coming from off to my side. Peering through the gloom, I was slightly taken aback to see a pair of shiny white buttocks rising and falling under a bush, its luminous and globular appearance like a reflection of the full moon overhead. This guy clearly knew how to woo a girl. I know this was before the days of affordable European city-breaks, but a bush? Right next to the road? Classy.

And the thing is, as I watched Casanova's cheeks pound away, in all probability spawning a child who would be about 16 now, all I could think about was that my dog had done a big sloppy crap in that bush just that morning, and that the poor girl he was bouncing on must have the whole Cornish Cream Kidney nicely smeared up her arse-crack by now.

As I say: classy.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:30, Reply)

In a guesthouse in sunny Bangkok.
I could clearly hear a Scandinavian bloke and some brass going for it hammer and tongs.

After a while the 'girl' screamed the immortal line "I pay 30,000 baht for pussy, and all you do is fuck my arse".

Happy days.

Insert joke here about her length being surgically removed at some point in the past.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 12 Oct 2007, 15:26, Reply)