Jeccius and his future career prospects (v close to deceased)
I work in a very large and bizarre I.T. office, where actually being able to provide tech support means jack-shit unless you can actually sound like the company machine that they want to be programmed like (that's not an exaggeration, people have lost bonuses because even though they fix customer's issues if they don't sound a certain calibre it's classed as "brand damage").

So as you can imagine certain staff get their kicks where they can find them. With myself, it's normally trying to work out who is having the office affair. Not the nice "Oh we'll meet up after work and hold hands" type, but the highly romantic "I'm married but I'm sneaking off to the disabled toilets for a quicky" variety. Sounds pathetic when reading it back lol, but I've managed to confirm at least 5 separate couples which have happened to bump the uglies on hallowed ground. The two best ones of these though were close to getting me fired lol

The first of the two were an ex-manager turned caterer and an on-site Hungarian Shot-putter of a woman who deals with maintaining facilities in the building. One late Xmas shift night a few of us were working the dead shift and as we were within the last hour both manager and brick-layer casually walked past our desks and headed to the corner storeroom. This is situated right up the top-corner of the work-floor away from everyone except my desk. They quietly walked past, unlocked the door and both went in, locking the door behind them. There were only about 12 of us left in the office, so immediately I set up emailing every fucker about it and we all watched with baited breath as they got it on. Now she's a monster by herself, but he's not skinny by any standards; we're talking Barney sodomizing a plate of blancmange in terms of the mental pictures we were all thinking, and trying not to puke on our keyboards at the same time.
About 10 minutes before the end of the shift they both come out of the room, both with slightly red faces and her breathing like she'd just had an asthma attack (at that size they come with a 2 pump minimum requirement, it's entirely possible). I assured the rest of the staff that it's most probably something innocent like they were having a sly pizza each and just didn't want to share, but they wouldn't buy it. Thankfully neither of them saw my emails (thank fuck), although they were most probs too tired to read after "going the distance on the pig-rodeo". A few days later they were caught by another manager and told rather politely to knock it off or fuck off.

The other one was my old direct manager (we'll call her "R"), pretty much caught on camera by security out the back of the building sucking off one of the higher up managers (found out by randomly cross-examining an ex-member of the security team I bumped into in Tescos one day). Both were married but it was something they happened to do rather often, much to the dismay of our uppermost management having to ban either of them having keys to various "unoccupied" training rooms and other sticky corners of the office. We'd spied them sneaking off on numerous occasions, and on one random spying mission in the office happen to catch them getting comfy. She's now in the uppermost tier of the tribe so to speak and he's gone off to pastures new. Unfortunately for her as her next boss up is a woman, unless she's into rug munching that isn't going to be a good option for her.
So why's this a problem for me? I accidentally told every manager I knew at a staff do when I was slightly half-cut. Plus it most probs don't help that when my current manager asked me where he was requested I answered "Don't worry if you don't see "R" when you go into the meeting, she'll be under the table waiting for you". Oh well, keeps work fun I suppose.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 22:47, 2 replies)

someone at a place I worked at many years ago
almost got sacked for sneaking off to the disabled bog for a fuck with a co-worker who was supposedly happily married. I commiserated with him, complaining aloud that it wasn't the company's business what its employees got up to with their genitals. Oh no, that wasn't the problem he replied- misuse of company facilities... they told us off for using the disabled bog when we weren't disabled.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 14 Oct 2011, 14:37, closed)

Magic
"Barney sodomizing a plate of blancmange"
(Troutbiscuits, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 15:21, closed)