Mr Mallindine
was my geography teacher in year 7. When telling us how to spell his name, he told us, "and if that's too hard for you to remember, G-O-D will suffice". He had a bitter rivalry with Mr Radbourne - one of the PE teachers - and whenever we had to turn to a textbook page with a high number he'd say "Number of friends I have, and Mr Radbourne's age". He also referred to his wife and baby as his wifey and babe. We all loved him - he was hilarious, and he treated us all like adults. I was sorry to see him go at the end of my first year.

Another geography teacher heard me farting, so he put an anemometer behind me and told me he didn't want to see it move for the rest of the lesson. He called clumsy people 'sausagefingers'.

A physics teacher whose name I no longer remember was giving us a demonstration of something on the blackboard. I can't remember what it was, but he said something about travelling at 60 mph, and prompted us for the next stage in the equation. Some hilarious twat shouted out 'a large willy!'. Completely unperturbed, physics teacher says, "Okay, then: a large willy is travelling at 60 mph...".
On another occasion he heard me farting and said "well done".

My dad was a deputy head at the very same school, and recently he told me that when he interviewed Mr Mallindine, he asked him "as Frank Zappa, said to Ian Underwood, what can you do that's fantastic?", to which Mr Mallindine responded "How did you know I'm a Zappa fan?". My dad said, "Look at yourself - it's not hard to tell."

I've also learned from my dad that he and some other teachers once conspired to ensure that the first letter of each line on some kid's school report spelled out 'LITTLE SHIT'. And on another occasion he stood next to the cuntiest kid in an exam hall and dropped a silent fart at him (then he did the badger badger badger dance (when he was telling me, not in the exam hall)). Go dad!
He now works at a different school, and thanks to nepotism I'm getting £50 to invigilate an exam there. Tee hee. *stocks up on baked beans*
( Bob Todd whee, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 16:53, Reply)