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i want craigslist taken down. i will pay you if you can eliminate it.

see my pics on flickr: i'm there more often than here these days.

i'm learning html and stuff. slowly. pro-tips most welcome.

"
the ever-talented logovend vectored me and did a great job. want
shirts and posters of his work? of course you do! a pancake stack of his vectors here.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
i am a zombie! many thanks to happy toast for the portrait!

long ago, mr. a drew me. i've meant to put this in my profile for a long time and finally unlazied myself:


the fiend done did drawded me with some graffiti:


i bought a book the other day.

my first badge! i am a fontfreak (badge made by foof). Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

and now i kill (courtesy rapitinui):
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

i work here:
Photobucket

sights in my neighbourhood:


breaking news! paleontologists have discovered pterodactyl porn! i desperately want to put this on the links page but given the rules, i will not. don't bother clicking the link to more dinosaur porn, it's just more tits and ass nonsense.

everyone loves knitwear.

flickr gallery of found photographs has been updated with twelve new additions from new cds of photographs. i have stacks of prints and negatives i've found, but recently found some cds full of digital pictures. who throws these things away? medicated comments accompany the set.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

i have a file in my bookmarks which is labelled 'freakshow'. i think i'll add random links from it in here to amuse and terrify. first up: janetbear! open it in two different windows, delaying slightly. it's like a demented version of 'row, row, row your boat'.

second up: while looking for a pic for a silly photoshop i had in mind, i came across this frightening karaoke bar in a hell designed by a multinational corporation: snugglewhores! click to play the short videos, and send them to your enemies. they're all frightening, but gabriela wins bonus points for walking beside what appears to be a stoned, grinning bigfoot or chewbacca on city streets, and i love cynthia for serving fabric softener to her kids, apparently to pour over some cereal flakes.

third: blobbiemorph, a hook-riddled glimpse into hell. you will regret clicking around here.

fourth: tod browning's freaks. the complete film, on google video. i just tossed this on the links board, too. if you've only heard of it and never see it, here's an introduction. not a good print, but better than nothing.

destroy all empires.

*i host my pictures on photobucket, but i guess that's fucked in half, now. i suppose it's off to the anus, then. the albums are here and here, if you want to look at them*

*why am i here? first, to have fun, in admiration of the great talent here and in offering up my squalid, ill-rendered nightmares to sicken the lot of you. in addition, i've learned more here about photoshop, simple animating and optimisation than i thought my macerated brain could absorb. thank you, one and all*

*working in the realm of images is somewhat new to me. i primarily trouble myself with prose and work irregularly as an editor. if you need help with your writing, feel free to contact me and i'll destroy your soul do my best to aid you*

email me at: postbear at rogers dot com for details.

Recent front page messages:


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Best answers to questions:

» Urban Legends

too many to tell: i used to be a bartender, after all.
i used the fake petition prank a few times to alleviate boredom. i think the best one was a petition demanding that the city of toronto not change the name of yonge street (big long 'famous' road, of all stupid things) to pierre elliot trudeau boulevard (probably our best known prime minister of the last century). nothing gets the grump into people like a political teasejob, so i had three pages of signatures in a couple of hours. of course, i was working day bar then, and men who start drinking at 1:00 pm on a regular basis are probably not tough to dupe.

back in university i got a job as a sperm donor (yes, it pays rather well), and several acquanitances got all frothily jealous and applied to the program. they were silly enough to tell me when they applied, so i phoned one of them a few days before i knew they'd be calling him. poor walt...


"hello, this is dr. prankmonster from the fertility clinic. is this walter bimbodink?"

"yes."

"good. i'm sorry to tell you that you were not accepted as a donor, but i do have some questions about your donation. have you ever worked in a nuclear power plant?"

"what?! no!" (quavering voice)

"really? how interesting. maybe your family lived under a large grouping of power lines for many years. is that the situation?"

"god, no! what's going on? what did you find?!"

"well mr. bimbodink, your sperm is rather unusual. in fact, you have the most unusual sperm i've ever seen and i've worked in fertility clinics for over thirty years. you don't have a very old microwave oven, do you? one that's broken some and could be leaking?"

"no! no! no! nothing like that! what's wrong with my sperm?!" (clear panic at this point)

"calm down, please sir, i'm sure there's nothing wrong, but we would like you to bring us another few samples, please. don't use a plastic cup, though -- do you have, say, a couple of metal thermoses? we need to protect our staff. you have most unusual sperm, some have two heads, others are just masses of tails."

"oh my god! yes, i can do that. will it help me? am i sick?"

"you may be, sir, we'll have to run some more tests. no sexual activity for you for a while, though, other than masturbating for us. we need a minimum of three samples, preferably by the end of the day, by tomorrow at 10:00 am at latest. and please tell reception the nature of your sample and why precautions are required to ensure safety."

"ok." (weeping sounds)


poor walt. i think if i were gullible enough to fall for this, i'd have difficulty jacking off three times in a short span of time while being worried i was spiderfuckingman. i phoned him later to tell him everything was fine, but i would have paid a hundred butter tarts to have seen him arrive at the clinic with three thermoses containing his semen and asking for them to be handled carefully because they were radioactive.
(Wed 11th Jan 2006, 7:14, More)

» Awesome Sickies

cancer is the answer.
well, it was/is for me. after being seriously ill only once before in my life (emergency gallbladder removal), i had a few episodes of stomach trouble in the spring and summer of 2004. a slow decline in energy and enthusiasm followed, and i decided to check into things more determinedly. lo and behold, after seeing a couple of specialists, i was diagnosed with an advanced stage of cancer in october of 2004, just two days before my birthday. a fine present, this, made even better with the discovery that it had been metastising for four or five years and i'd been living with a great clot of glunk in my intestine and colon for quite a while.

i started chemotherapy right away, but the cancer spread into my lungs and here and there elsewhere in my body. three long rounds of chemo later, i've lived longer than my doctors expected (best thing ever to hear on a cancer ward -- "are you still here?"), so hurray for modern medicine. the worst scare came when the cancer manifested in my spinal fluid, as i was told that from there it pops up in the brain and kills you very quickly. thankfully it was a false positive or the chemo treatments caught it in time. fun was also to be had in some of the spinal chemotherapy sessions, in which they inject vile chemicals directly into the spinal column. it's a bit painful at times -- they occasionally have to put restraints on patients when doing this, as when they withdraw bone marrow. i also did that, donating bone marrow for myself in case the cancer spread there, which was/is a possibility. it's a unique feeling to have someone insert a rather large gauge needle into your back and screw bits out of the core of your bones while you can hear this awful scraping sound.

other amusements included a ton of self-injections into my thighs to promote blood cell growth, resulting in more weird pains, and the sickening food trials, because chemotherapy disrupts your taste buds. suddenly foods you love taste like crap, and you begin a relatively bland diet to keep from puking or not to be repulsed. oh, and then there's hair loss -- not so bad from my head, but losing beard and pubes was disconcerting. combined with the weight gain (40 - 60 lbs), i looked like a great miserable baby at times.

my chemotherapy ended in september and i've been clear since then (with a few minor surgeries and derails), so it looks like i'm fine for a while. i'm told it'll come back and kill me, as it did my father, but i've always known that i'll die being gunned down by the vatican police while stabbing the pope through the heart with a sharpened crucifix, so cancer doesn't scare me in the slightest.

i got a paper cut last week too, but that's another story....
(Tue 13th Jun 2006, 4:58, More)

» Weddings

long ago and far away...
...i worked for a friend who occasionally hired me to help him photograph weddings. there were three of us this one hot, sweaty day, in some sort of strange, orthodoxy eastern european-dominated catholic church in toronto. i was shooting video from the altar, and when the ceremony ended i had to pack up that camera and run through the basement, popping up at the rear of the church to help shoot the recessional.

while running through the basement i saw something odd out of the corner of my eye, and noted that i'd have to come back when i was finished to see just what it was. an hour or so later we were done at the church, and had a bit of a break before we began to shoot the standard bride-amongst-the-flowers shots at a local garden. i went back to the basement of the church and found the odd object -- it was, as i'd suspected/feared, a dog's head on a stick (a great long wooden pike, actually). it was standing in what looked to be a huge pile of theatrical props, but if it was a fake, it was the best fake i've ever seen (and none of the other props were nearly so realistic). it was an alsatian and looked quite beaten up and weathered, as if it had been banged around quite a bit.

i was standing there, quite shocked, wondering what sort of perverse rite the churchfolk used it in, when a pope or bishop or some sort of churchy official came in the room and angrily ordered me out, stating that the basement was strictly out of bounds. i never did get a good chance to get hold of the head and examine it, but i still think the damned thing was real, and that these freaks were busy conjuring up satan or some other of their bizarre deities to wreak vengeance upon the world.
(Wed 20th Jul 2005, 6:36, More)

» Secret Santa

i don't give presents, usually.
when i was a bartender, i had a customer come in after shopping and ask if i minded if he wrapped some gifts at a table. he was a good guy, so i said sure. when he finished he had wrapping paper left over and i decided to put some cigarette butts and other junk inside some empty packs and wrap them, then leave them unattended. sure enough, some goof stole the 'gifts' and ran off. everyone sitting at my bar had a big laugh. the end? no!

next day, an occasional customer came in and told us that some jerk friend of his had given him a present that was 'just garbage and cig. butts!' of course the regulars and i burst out laughing -- not only had our joke gained another punchline, but when the crabby giftee told us who the jerk friend was, we found out the identity of the present thief.
(Tue 19th Dec 2006, 4:26, More)

» Tightwads

wheelchair sex.
one time i got caught stealing penny candy from a local store. the owner was furious and called the police, so when they got there i shit my pants and the cops all started screaming. they beat the store owner to death and imprisoned his children because they were unattractive.

the candy wasn't very good, it was supposed to taste like root beer but it just reminded me of old bat cunts so i burned down the neighbourhood. then i turned into a stain. that was last week, it was fun.

but hey, free candy.
(Fri 24th Oct 2008, 5:13, More)
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