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Profile for cumquat may:
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Curious are you. Well... I like that in my lovers. you're shorter than I expected, but it won't matter once the aubergines come into play. Now, take that scarf off and try and shuffle towards the centre of the gazebo.

That's me behind the wall

Recent front page messages:

mawee cwistmas eweyone

(Fri 19th Dec 2014, 5:19, More)

lovely, not seen the quo for a while

(Tue 22nd May 2012, 19:09, More)

the only thing that keeps me sane is talking to my shoe

(Thu 26th Apr 2012, 18:47, More)

nice
have my font joke

(Sat 3rd Sep 2011, 3:12, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Bad Dates

we met in a Boots
I asked her if this cream would help my genital warts. she said she'd ask her teacher the next day. She was my ideal woman, hair like ripe avocados, and an anus that could hold a beach umberella in a gale. I knew that a woman like that would have to be romanced, so I asked her if she'd like to have my fuck missile explode in her ham silo. She said she wasn't into star wars, but she'd give me a titwank for an oyster card.
As soon as we got in the door she had her hand down my pants. I had to walk back and force her to drop my wallet. She asked me if I had ever made love to the Bolero, I said I preferred Dale's Supermarket Sweep. She was like a gymnast in bed. Fourteen. We started with a rusty trombone, then a cleveland steamer, and finally a kidderminster shagpiledriver that dislocated my wrist. She asked me to treat her mean so I told her she had the dress sense of a bosnian refugee. I gave her multiple organisms and she made me sleep in the wet spot. She touched me in places no woman had touched me before, like my duodenum. Sometimes, in some situations, I'm instantly transported back to that night, such as when I see a swan choking to death on mayonaisse
(Wed 23rd Oct 2013, 6:20, More)

» No Self-Awareness

Many years ago when I was a lazy uni student, I fell into the habit of doing a bucket bong each morning and passing the day pleasantly stoned
On one particular day I went to get take-away sushi for lunch. The restaurant was in a food court in a nearby multi-storey shopping centre. As I approached the counter I noticed standing in front of it was a man in a tuxedo and a woman seated on a bar stool next to him wearing a black cocktail dress. They were a very beautiful couple, and seemed quite happy as they both had big smiles. I stood next to them and tried to get the attention of the japanese owner to take my order. He was standing off to the side and instead of coming to me started signaling me to come to him with a look of fear in his face. Ignoring his odd behaviour, I yelled out that I'd like the nigiri special, and he gave me a funny look but started to prepare it, which in hindsight showed a certain business acumen. I looked at the couple beside me who were now staring at me, and gave them a friendly smile. There was something strange about them I couldn't quite put my finger on, something too perfect and not quite real. I waited until the owner put together my sushi and took my money and handed me the bag. It was only then that I turned around and noticed the film crew, standing around in a semi-circle all waiting for me to finish, with cameras, sound technicians, and two really bright studio lights focused on the couple. Totally oblivious I'd walked through and onto an active advertising shoot and ordered sushi. And the owner had sold it to me
(Thu 29th Nov 2012, 15:16, More)

» Where Did It All Go Wrong?

I sent a cv for a job last week. I re-read it again today and as a placeholder in the skills section I'd written "I once fucked a puppy" until I could think of a final one to round it out
then forgotten to replace it.
I've not heard back from them yet.
It's a nice job and would allow me to work in a country I want to live. Maybe this will be where it all went wrong.
(Mon 4th Mar 2013, 20:42, More)

» The Wank Bank

we met in a Boots
I asked her if this cream would help my genital warts. she said she'd ask her teacher the next day. She was my ideal woman, hair like ripe avocados, and an anus that could hold a beach umberella in a gale. I knew that a woman like that would have to be romanced, so I asked her if she'd like to have my fuck missile explode in her ham silo. She said she wasn't into star wars, but she'd give me a titwank for an oyster card.
As soon as we got in the door she had her hand down my pants. I had to walk back and force her to drop my wallet. She asked me if I had ever made love to the Bolero, I said I preferred Dale's Supermarket Sweep. She was like a gymnast in bed. Fourteen. We started with a rusty trombone, then a cleveland steamer, and finally a kidderminster shagpiledriver that dislocated my wrist. She asked me to treat her mean so I told her she had the dress sense of a bosnian refugee. I gave her multiple organisms and she made me sleep in the wet spot. She touched me in places no woman had touched me before, like my duodenum. Sometimes, in some situations, I'm instantly transported back to that night and I can't help but touch myself, such as when I see a woman choking on mayonaisse
(Fri 24th Aug 2012, 3:23, More)

» Sex Toys

My missus asked me to buy her a vibrator, and always wanting to encourage any interest in sex, I agreed,
I went to a sex shop in Notting Hill, and not having further instruction I picked out a medium-large purple rubbery one (I opted not to get a monster, I didn't fancy going in second or risking permanently over-extending her clunge). However, when I returned home she was disappointed. I'd failed to understand that for something to be called a vibrator, it had to vibrate. What I'd bought was a dildo. I tried to return it, but sensibly they don't accept returns on sex toys, though I'm sure there's at least a market in Japan for used dildos for the enterprising businessperson. I forked out for a shiny chrome vibrator with variable speed. The unwanted purple dildo I tried putting in the hand of statue of a bloke on a horse in hyde park, but the climb was too difficult and I'd attracted onlookers and I bottled it. I ended up tossing it in the Serpentine, where it awaits to this day to rise erect cupped in a ghostly hand, for the rightful King of the Realm
(Thu 17th May 2012, 17:39, More)
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