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Profile for Leemondus:
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» Asking people out

Mortifying.
I was 15 and secretly in love with a girl from school called Helen Shackle. She had everything I could ever want in a woman - she was beautiful, witty, she played classical piano and had breasts like great big pickled onions. (The shape, not the smell). I loved her.

Anyway, I'd noticed one day that she was humming Duran Duran's "Save A Prayer", so I hatched a plan to woo her by proving I was a fellow Durannie. (I wasn't, I actually thought Le Bon was a great big puff. I was a fan of the enormously-manly Frankie Goes To Hollywood at the time. I know. Let's not dwell.)

Anyroad, the next day I saw Shackles in the dinner queue and skillfully-maneuvered myself into position right behind her, where I began whistling Duran's "The Reflex" in her direction, in an attempt to spark her interest.

It worked. She slowly turned round, looked me straight in the eye, and said in full earshot of the rest of the dinner queue, "Do you mind not whistling, your breath fucking stinks.".
(Fri 11th Dec 2009, 2:19, More)

» Made me laugh

Mate of mine told me about his 18 year old son
who got a job at a plumbing company. My mate had warned him to watch out for practical jokes, which were common in places like that. For instance when he was a kid in his first job, he was sent off to the stores to ask for "A long weight" (long wait), or a bucket of steam etc.

Anyway apparently his kid was doing okay, until he got fired for telling his supervisor to fuck off. He'd asked him to pass him a monkey wrench.
(Fri 7th Dec 2012, 13:07, More)

» School Naughtiness

Horrid
We had to use the girls' changing rooms at the school pool because the boys' ones were being repaired. We duly awaited the girls to finish changing before we all trooped in. We were maybe 14 or something.
Someone found a girls' swimsuit hidden behind a bench that had (a lot of) period blood in the gusset, and he started flinging it around. Pretty soon a group of boys were chucking it about - I remenber clearly there were blood smears on the white tiled walls. Then the game got stupid and the gang cornered my best friend who was always getting bullied, and they started chucking the horrid cozzie at him while he cowered in the shower. It really was like that scene from Carrie.
Anyway I lost my rag (ahem) and stormed in, grabbed the unclean garment and rubbed it in the ringleader's face. A fight ensued which culminated in me sat astride this guy, hitting him in the face very hard indeed whilst still clutching the swimsuit of shame. I got suspended for two weeks.

Well you asked.
(Tue 13th Sep 2011, 3:18, More)

» What nonsense did you believe in as a kid?

When I was about 12
my mate Gary Fish told me that if you masturbate too much your bumhole heals over and you have to go to the hospital to have your turds removed through a hole in your stomach. That night I squatted over a mirror and was convinced I saw a membrane covering my anus. I cried myself to sleep but the next day I had a poo. Needless to say the wanking continued in earnest.
(Mon 23rd Jan 2012, 15:36, More)

» First rude thing I ever saw

When I about 11
I found a well-thumbed jazzmag in my Dad's bedside drawer called "Black & Gold". It featured big black men with big black willies putting them into blonde-haired girls. I wanked meself daft every day for about 6 months afterwards.
Ah, happy, innocent days.
(Fri 12th Aug 2011, 17:08, More)
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