» Accidental innuendo

I mentioned this on /board the other day, strangely enough, so here goes again:
Many moons ago, my parents decided to get an extension built. Part of the process involved breaking up the existing patio. After all the work was completed, we were left with a nice pile of rubble.

My parents, being the ever efficient sorts, chose to advertse in the local paper that we had this rubble, and anyone wishing to use it as the basis of a foundation for a patio or something could take it away for free.

Fair enough, only it was left to my Mum to place that ad.

A few days later, she was explaing she was getting some VERY strange people calling up, asking for "what type was it, and what did it involve?". So, to follow this up, I asked exactly what she had put in the paper. It went something like this:

"I have a large amount of hardcore available for free if anyone has the ability to collect"

I laughed so much, and she was suitably embarressed after I explained what she had done.
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 16:11, More)

» Why I was late

Well, not some fabricated excuse, more the real deal...
Back in the mists of time (about '98ish), I walked into my art history 'A'level class, where my tutor set upon me in front of the whole class, about how I had missed the previous week's lesson.

She went on for about 10 or so minutes about commitment, how there is no excuse, that I should make up the time as the rest of the class had bothered to turn up etc. etc. (bear in mind that I wasn't a skiver, and had a pretty much flawless attendance record until that point).

So she finished her rant, and looking extremely proud at herself, said in a clear and loud, commanding voice:

"So what IS your excuse?"

I simply tilted my head very slightly, looked her in the eye, and maintaining my calm composure, replied in just as clear a tone as she did:

"I was attending my Grandfather's funeral."

Normally people turn red when embarrassed. So far, myself, scientists and artists alike have not been able to describe in words exactly what colour she turned, but believe me, whatever amazing shade of red it was, that was the happiest I had been for those last few weeks!

Length? Perhaps too long, a funny shade of red, and quite embarrassing.
(Thu 28th Jun 2007, 17:23, More)

» Mistaken Identity

I've been mistaken as....
...A Sales Assistant

"Excuse me, but do you work here?"

"If I did, I'd be wearing one of those stupid shirts with a name tag, and I wouldn't be stuffing DVDs up my jumper, Love, now would I?"
(Thu 31st May 2007, 15:48, More)

» The Dark

A long time ago, in a bedroom far, far away...
well, I was about eight or nine years old; it was a cold and dark night. It had been a hard day, and I had hit the orange juice hard that evening after a grueling day of timestables and spellings. About 12am I awoke; my bladder decided enough was enough and that it needed to be emptied...

I clambered out of my bed and fumbled my way to the door, careful to be quiet, so as not to wake my parents, or my sister as I walked past their rooms. I made it to the toilet without incident, and relieved myself...

Feeling much better, I made my way back to my room in the dark.

I carefully opened my door half way, and crept back inside.

Suddenly the door swung shut behind me and my mum burst out with a blood-curdling scream!

She HAD heard me get up, and decided it would be a fanciful jape to scare the living shit out of me.

All I can say, is thank the good lord I had just emptied my bladder 20 seconds earlier...

Length? It was a long night of no sleep after that little prank...
(Thu 23rd Jul 2009, 16:01, More)

» Neighbours

not so much of a funny one here...
I was about 3 years old when my parents decided that now my sister had just been born, it was time to move to a more suitable place - more rooms, and a nice big garden to play in.

We moved in and all seemed well. Next door, however, lived a family, (Christie & Christine, and their kids who were bout ready to fly fromn the nest) that had two quite loud and active dogs that didn't care for anyone near their back garden. To top it off, the neighbours, had a very low wire fence.

Naturally, with a new born, and 3 year old who liked nothing more than trying to explore this new amazingly large landscape I had been presented with, my parents were concerned about the dogs as they tried to jump the fence every chance they got.

After some discussion, the fence was taken down ans a new one put up, but this was just the start of many years of arguements. They were mainly minor ones, but bad blood none the less, and often a wall of silence between our two families.

After about 15 years of this, we suddenly found out Christie had just developed cancer. It was very quick, and he died in a matter of weeks - maybe a few months.

Christene, quite understandably, was broken by this, and for the first time since we had moved in we all started talking again. Before long, we were all good friends; it was just a serious shame that it took the death of someone to bring the families together.

Christene soon after moved away, but kept in touch and would often visit us; she also spent a lot of time on the phone to my Mum. Sadly, only about 3 years later, she died suddenly from a heart attack.

We may have all had 15 years of unpleasantness between us, but the 3 or so years that we were all friends was worth it; I just wish that our respective families had not been so stupid at that start, and realised how much in common we had.
(Mon 5th Oct 2009, 9:09, More)