Ideation
I used to work for a large American company & they used to use "ideation" apparently they were too lazy to say "idea creation".
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:46, 1 reply)

It's always in the last place you look.
Of course it fucking is, I'm not going to keep looking for it after I've cunting found it, am I?
(Melody was not PMSing on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Similar to DG below: "Can I ask you a question?"
Yes, you just did, and you only get one for free. Why not just ask me a fucking question, instead of asking me if you can ask one?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:44, 5 replies)

Oh this one's a beauty
"That'll learn ya". Or as it should be said "you should learn from that mistake"
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:42, 1 reply)

I need discipline.
There had used to be a magical, far-off time in academia when people could develop a certain level of expertise in a field, and exploit it. It may not have been a wide field, but that didn't matter. You could still excel at your chosen discipline, and bestow the benefits of your expertise on the world.

Slowly, though, interdisciplinarity became important. This meant learning to ride two or more horses, or having to collaborate with others. Collaboration doesn't come naturally to many academics - certainly not those in my field. "Interdisciplinary", we grumbled, seemed to imply not belonging to any discipline at all.

But we learned to adapt. We learned either to be interdisciplinary, or to go through the motions and look as though we were. And the world carried on turning.

A couple of weeks ago, I learned that interdisciplinarity is now old hat.

We're expected to be transdisciplinary now.

If someone could explain what, exactly, that means, I'd be eternally in their debt. Alternatively, if someone could provide me with a machine that'd get me to the parallel universe in which one could belong wholly to just one discipline at a time, that'd be great as well.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:42, 6 replies)

I hate people who say faggot when they mean bender.

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:38, 9 replies)

Can I aks you something?
No, you fucking well can't. You can ASK me something, but then again if you can't even pronounce a simple three letter word properly, I doubt very much that you have anything remotely intelligible to say in the first place.

Now, kcuf off.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:38, 4 replies)

'Amongst' and 'whilst'
instead of 'among' and 'while'. Do I need to explain?
( blyerkit e k trilby, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:38, 8 replies)

Whom is not simply a posh version of who.
If you could replace the word with he or she, it's who. If you could replace it with him or her, it's whom.
E.g.
'I see my friend, who is a carpenter, every Tuesday'. You'd say 'she is a carpenter', rather than 'her is a carpenter', so you use who.
'My friend, whom I see every Tuesday, is a carpenter'. You'd say 'I see her' rather than 'I see she', so you use whom.
If in doubt, just say who. No-one says 'to whom are you talking?' any more anyway; they say 'who are you talking to?'

Myself and yourself are not posh versions of me and you, using similar logic. I talk to myself, I talk to you. You talk to yourself, you talk to me.

Thine is not a posh version of thy. This one is often used by people (even, unfortunately, published authors) when they want to sound olde worlde. I can't be bothered to go into a proper explanation of early modern English grammar, but in short: thy is your, thine is yours. The sword is thine, but never say 'take thine sword'. That just sounds bell-ended.
An even more egregious one I heard once was thy's (to mean 'your'). Oh dear.

I'm not a paragon of English language. I say 'proper' and 'well' instead of 'very' sometimes, and I don't oppose all changes and deviations from the language. But some are too terrible to be ignored.
Whenever someone says 'I could care less' when they mean 'couldn't care less' I want to stab the fucker. If they thought about what they were saying, for one fucking second, they'd realise they're saying the exact opposite of what they intended. I approve of quite a lot of change in language, but this one is so fucking stupid because it's a failure of logic. Is it really so hard to think what they must be saying?
I used to be annoyed by the misuse of 'decimate' until I realised that we don't really need a word for the destruction of one in tenth. Having a word for totally destroy is much more useful. However, I do still object to the misuse of 'plethora'. It's useful to have a single word for 'an excessive amount', but we already have a lot of words for 'a large amount', so there's no need to re-appropriate it for this.

Calling the letter H 'haitch' rather than 'aitch' = nasty and common.

'Could I get' instead of 'could I have'... is okay, actually! No-one is questioning your permission or capability to 'have' something; of course you're allowed to have/capable of having the thing. Whether you can get, or obtain, the thing is another matter. I find the people complaining about 'could I get' more annoying than those who actually say 'could I get'. I say 'may I get' so I'm probably loathed by both camps.

(sp) and (sp?) You're on the fucking internet! Fucking look up the spelling, or paste it in Word and use the spellcheck. Some browsers even have a spellcheck inbuilt. It's just about acceptable in IM, where speed is of the essence, but on a message board you have all the time in the world. Look up the spelling if you're not sure, you lazy shitcock!

The telly programme in which Johnny Knoxville and chums get up to hilarious japes is called Jackass, not Jackarse. Yes, we do call a bum an arse and not an ass, but a 'jackass' is a male donkey. Therefore it is an ass regardless of your brand of English.

Learn the difference between i.e. and e.g.! Too many people use the former when they mean the latter. I.e.: id est = that is. E.g.: exemplia gratia = for example. Compare:
'I like looking at birds, e.g. ducks, pigeons, and geese.'
'I like looking at birds, i.e. animals from the class Aves, not women.'

Americans mangling Ts and Ds so much when speaking that they don't actually know how to spell words with T and D in them any more. I've seen 'metiocre', 'bitty' (as in 'old biddy'; they weren't talking about the sketch on Little Britain) and 'distain'. I can't think of any examples where the t/d confusion runs the other way but I'm sure I've seen some. (Edit: 'cathardic')

On the subject of Americanisms, not every American word is a bastardisation of our language. A lot of American words are in fact the original British ones, which they've retained and we've changed, often in an attempt to be more European and distance ourselves from the Yanks. We used to write 'color', 'skeptic', and 'fall' for autumn. It's annoying hearing misinformed people going on about how the Americans fucked up 'our' language. We got rid of it; it's not ours any more.

Could/would/should of: It's 'have', you stupid, stupid motherfucking cock monkey! Why is this so hard to get right? How the sugary fuck can 'would of' possibly make sense? What the fuck would that even mean?

Any radio advert for a music compilation that mentions the word 'R&B' really annoys me, because I know I'm about to be subjected to 30 seconds of samples of vapid, insipid chavpop shite that was written by aligning some blocks in a music program and then slapping some Autotuned warbling over the top. What the fuck happened to R&B? It used to be a lovely genre - Chuck Berry, BB King, John Lee Hooker, etc. and now it appears to stand for rap & booty rather than rhythm & blues. Yes, music and musical tastes change. No, I'm not an old fart who doesn't like any music made in the last half-century. But what the fuck is this shit? Drivel for fucktards who think it's sophisticated.

Your sitting room (or living room, if you must) is not a 'lounge'. You haven't got a lounge, you prick, unless your house is a ship or an airport. And your sofa is not a 'settee'. It's a fucking sofa, you cunts. And if you're wiping your face with a 'serviette' you'd better be French.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:37, 7 replies)

*Sigh*
I'm already getting annoyed just thinking about this.

I work in an office where buzzwords are the norm. So far, after more than three years, I have remained steadfast in my refusal to be sucked into adopting the buzzword-speak that my colleagues (who started at the same time as me) found themselves parroting after less than a week. Clear sky thinking, thought showers, thinking outside the box, finding ways forward, direction of travel… and loads more that I try each day to block from my mind.

“Ah, you’ll end up talking like that – it’s unavoidable”, laughed my boss. No it isn’t. Three and a half years on, and I have never succumbed to asking a colleague if we can touch base because there’s an issue on a project that we need to bottom out. Because that, frankly, sounds like I want to feel their arse behind the water cooler or something. If you have a problem with something and you need to have a chat to sort it out, why not just say “I’m having a bit of a problem with this project, have you got five minutes to have a chat and see if we can sort it out?” It’s bollocks, and makes you sound like a complete twat. You go to a meeting with a small business or community organisation and talk like that and you’ll be lynched within seconds.

My organisation also has regular management drop-in sessions called ‘touch base’, where lowly members of staff can hob-nob with the management to discuss ‘the issues affecting them’. I’ve never been to one yet and delete the invitations without reading them on the grounds that attending would probably make my ears bleed and drive me to rock slowly back and forth on my chair, humming softly in order to block out the nonsense phrases being bandied about.

Frankly, I'd rather poke a tiger with a stick than listen to that.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Respect and the lack thereof
"Respect" is a very versatile word. In itself it can be used as both a noun and a verb, allowing you to "show respect" to your elders, "pay your respects" to the deceased, and also, by not wiping pork on some poor Jewish chap's face, you are "respecting his culture." (And his right not to have meat products wiped on him, presumably...)

"With respect to x", "Being respectful", "Being respectable", the list goes on. It's a wonderfully useful word and I do believe we should treat it with due respect.

"Disrespect," however, is a word we seem to have a problem with, isn't it? I hate to break it to you, but it's a lot less versatile. It's a noun. Just a noun, nothing more.

This means you can "show disrespect" to someone or something, or you can be "disrespectful" towards it. That is it. That is pretty much the limit of what you can do with it.

You CANNOT, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AND PROFANE, USE IT AS A VERB. IT IS NOT A FUCKING VERB. Nobody has ever "disrespected" you BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH FUCKING WORD. They were disrespectful towards you, but try enunciating that with your custom-slackened jaw.

I love the animated series American Dad!, but their writers have eternally lost a lot of my respect for not correcting the line "That's for disrespecting my daughter." One of my favourite episodes as well, but that line makes me want to claw my eyes out and plug my ears with them.

And so to the next loathsome little pile of crumbly faecal matter who tells me I should show him more "respeck," I would like to point out that respect is earned, not expected, and maybe he'll earn a little bit of it from me if he can learn how to use the word "disrespect" correctly.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:29, 2 replies)

Anybody
who actually says 'ohm-nom-nom' when they are eating something tasty
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:29, 6 replies)

Learnings
No learnings. You can't just put "ing" on the end of a verb and expect it to be a noun. You're asking for some headbuttings.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:25, 1 reply)

Quality

"That's quality that is."

Eh? Is it top quality or poor quality? You might as well say "That's size, that is." or "That's design, that is."

And yes, same goes for 'class', you moron.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:24, 5 replies)

"Criminality"
There is no such word. The word to use is crime, as an example "there has been an increase in criminality in this area" = wrong & "there has been an increase in crime in this area" = correct.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:23, 5 replies)

Best exchange I've heard all week:
Annoying girl launches conversation with "I'm not being funny but..."

Deadpan interjection: "I really hope you're not being funny."


Silence.
(Second sign of madness, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:23, 1 reply)

Happy Days
I hate the phrase. It gets on my tits.
My new housemate says it all the time and I may punch him before the week is out.
(grimmmy, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:23, 6 replies)

To be honest
Makes me wonder whether the rest of what I was told wasn't.

I am a salesman, and cringe when I say it myself!
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:20, Reply)

'Memory Lane'
I really hate that phrase. It actually means 'being fobbed off with old-fashioned crap'. Lazy hacks use it.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:20, 2 replies)

I really hate the phrase
"No you can't watch the football, dancing on ice is on"
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:18, 1 reply)

Reminds me of a similar topic on another forum a few years ago
One lad (Laaaawz!) came up with this:

“At the end of the day, we’re just tickling the dogs chin whilst the cat has its breakfast”

that's as good as I can recall, but no doubt there's more to it. I think there may have been a reference to a yacht too. Funny thing is, it's plausible office speak.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:18, 3 replies)

I'm not being funny, but....
.... this always seems to preceed an insult or some negative comment. Why would I think it's funny to be insulted?

As frequently used by the ex-wife.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:17, 2 replies)

Things that make me throw shoes at the radio
"Utilize" - This does not mean "use". It means "find a use for". Even then, you could always just say "use".

"Refute" - This does not mean "deny". There's a pefectly good english word for "deny", and that's "deny". Refute means "prove wrong". See also...

"Rebut" - This does not mean "deny", or even "refute". It means "turn an argument back against someone".

"Enormity" - This has nothing to do with size. No, really it doesn't. The word you are looking for is "enormousness". Yes, that sounds silly. Just use "scale" or just "size" instead.

"Beg the question" - Just don't use this. Just don't. It is a poor english translation of a technical Latin term. Don't use this unless you have a degree in Philosophical Logic. Or even then. Just use "Raise the question" or "Invites the question" instead.

"Fewer" and "less" - don't mix these up unless you want me to kill you with my Pedants' Society membership card.
(ragged, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:16, 1 reply)

Yahoo
What the hell is 'trending now'.
Who came up with that one?

Was it one of you lot?
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:14, Reply)

'Butters' or any of the derivatives
'That is BUTTERS yeh!'

I think it means bad.
(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:11, 3 replies)

"Text" is a noun, not a verb.

( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:11, 12 replies)

I'd like to "touch base with you" and no "this is not a sales call".
So many irritating phrases, but the two above have to be the most irritating, for me, on the planet.

Please feel free to phone me and see how I'm doing, or enquire how things are going. Do not, however, for the love of gerbil-fucking tell me you're phoning to touch base with me. Your likely reply is for me to touch fist with you, preferably in the face.

Second one - "Hi, its feckless-script-reader from Arseholes. This isn't a sales call, I'm phoning you because you spoke to one of my colleagues about innane product a few months ago".

I'm a professional (to a degree) sales person - I know the pain these poor fuckers have to endure... That first line "this is not a sales call" is an alarm to all and sundry (even the Jeremy Kyle frequenting fraternity) that it is, indeed, a sales call. Speak that magical wording to me and you'll go from 0-Cunty in less than a millisecond.

(As a whimsical aside - when you want to fuck with them always push them to ask when, and what time, you spoke to said former colleague. They normally go all slack jawed - "oh, erm, the system doesn't tell me". Funny how the system tells you all my details - down to the current direction of my pubic hair due to the earth's magnetism and yet can't allow you to generate a plausible lie.

Apologies for length, and being ranty. Cherry popped n all that.
(spongtastic - Fisting midgets since 15.45, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:10, 4 replies)

"Needless to say..."
Then don't fucking say it.

You cunt.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:10, 2 replies)

To be fair
Teenagers have never been famous for being cool, stylish or well-educated, so it's hardly surprising that they form a significant number of people who sound like utter, utter tossers the moment they open their mouths or start to type.

Pimp is not a verb.

Big pimping is not an activity.

Random is not an agreement.

Awesome does not mean "Good".

The list goes on and on and on, but I generally reserve my ire for adults who use management-style soundbites (itself an awful, made-up word).
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:10, 6 replies)

'Mate...'
Unless we've at least met once or twice before, spent a bit of time together, maybe even shared some views and a nice chat, then I feel you're being a bit over-familiar...

Maybe I'm just too middle class.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 14:09, 1 reply)