Americans - I'm looking at you, now.
The phrase is "I couldn't care less", as in, "I COULD NOT CARE LESS". It means you don't care. If you say "I could care less", it means you do care. If you use it to mean the opposite, you are a fuckwit.

"Snap" means "me too", or "the same". As in the card game Snap. At a pinch it can mean food, roughly synonymous with "grub" or the Scottish "scran". It does not mean "shit". If you use it in this way, you are a fuckwit.

That's all for now.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:01, 14 replies)

'Do I not like that'
I don't know, do you?

(or should that be 'don't you?')
(mejt, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 16:00, Reply)

The Teeth Grind....
"Chillaxin'" How about "chilling out" or "relaxing" instead? Word collision like this is pointless and annnoying.

Suffixing "-goodness" to anything and everything: c.f "Went to pub for beer-goodness" Would the contemptable internet Cunts that do this please fuck off??!!
(caescarna Hell's Roomba, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:59, 3 replies)

Thinking about it, I say plenty that annoys me.
Innit. (A lot)
Good stuff!

Oh, only two. I'm not as much of a cunt as I thought. Bonus! Ah, make that three...
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:58, Reply)

Fair play mate, fair play
If you say that then I think hitting your balls with a cricket bat is fair play.
(teebie jeebie, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Su-Bo and R-Patz
Their names are Susan Boyle and Robert Pattinson. Don't abbreviate them. I'm talking to you Heat magazine.

Fuckers.
(mejt, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:50, 20 replies)

If you hear the words: paradigm shift
run away, scream or hit the perpetrator.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:47, 1 reply)

Falafel
I can spell it. I can make it. Sat here, I can say it, however should I wish to order it, additional syllables sneekily insert themselves into the word.

"I'll have some fella-fa-laff-fuful in a piita bread with salad please."
(Cave Duck, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:46, 6 replies)

Less/ fewer.
If the thing about which you're talking is finite - that is to say, countable - use "fewer". If it's infinite - that is, you can't count it - use "less".

Hence one beach may have less sand than another, but it doesn't have less grains of sand. It has fewer.

It won't do to point to the fact that Tesco has a "Ten items or less" checkout. Tesco is wrong.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:46, 7 replies)

If it's funny...
...just laugh.

Don't point and say, "Now THAT's funny!", without even a slight chuckle.

If it was that funny, you'd be laughing, surely?
(catbearmouse, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:45, 2 replies)

Oh I forgot
"I'm not being funny,but...."

No you're not being funny. You're about to let me know you're opinion about me that was unsolicited, just so you can tell people you are 'outspoken'
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:45, Reply)

it took me 10 minutes..
to realise this wasn't the previous QOTW relating to prejudice.

I wondered why all you cunts weren't making any sense.
(g-rex, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:44, Reply)

The "oholic" in "alcoholic" is from the word "alcohol"
It is the "ic" that is indicative of the addiction.

Someone addicted to chocolate is NOT a "chocoholic".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:43, 11 replies)

"Quadrilogy"
It's "quartet", or "tetralogy", you contemptible mongs.

Yes, 20th Century Fox, I'm talking to you.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:42, 3 replies)

Out of context.
Some of the out of context sayings that piss me off.

"I LITERALLY died!"

I wish this person was put in a coffin. Alive.

"I OFFICIALLY feel hungover."

So you got a government official to come round to your house to go through some fucking government hangover checklist to deduce that you did indeed drink yourself into a hungover state? Fuck off you cunt.
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:41, 6 replies)

'a'
Not just any old 'a' but the addition of word 'a' to a mass noun like 'coffee' or 'chocolate' to imply connoiseurship. A lot of consumerism is pretty mindless - when it's food or drink it's basically variations on stuffing your face. Everyone knows it, some people even feel a bit guilty about it.

So one way to market stuff to the aspirational is to appeal to people's snobbish tendencies by trying to make them feel like connoiseurs. Wine experts have traditionally referred to different types of wine as 'a dry wine, or 'a tannic wine', rather than plain old 'dry wine' or 'tannic wine' (as you might with with orange squash or strawberry milkshake).

Now marketing people are slipping in the indefinite article when talking about other products, such as the aforementioned chocolate or coffee, in order to give them the same kind of cache as wine. Often with an adjective between the 'a' and the noun. The other day I saw some expensive coffee described as 'a fruity, nutty coffee'. It it's that important to drink fruity, nutty coffee why not drop a dried apricot and a walnut into your cup of nescafe for fucks sake?

Anyway rant over, sorry. Don't even get me started on 'pan'-fried.
(Cameltoad, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:41, 9 replies)

Creampie
(In the porno sense)

I don't really like Cream pies (in the non porno Sense)anymore
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:40, 2 replies)

In olden days
When exactly!?
( rofl harris, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:40, 4 replies)

When in Wales.
There is one South Walianism and one Cardiffism that really annoy me.

1 "Over BY there/here." No it isn't. It is over there/here. If it was by there it wouldn't be there.

2 I seen it. No you didn't. You saw it.
(jvz, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:39, 1 reply)

Of chavs and their mothers
One I used to hear all the time in the Midlands was "get here", as used by a Kyle-aholic mother to summon her spawn. Nothing says "stupid, illiterate, lazy parent" to me more than "Ooooiii! Daaarrrren! Gerrreeerrre!"
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:39, Reply)

Other words and phrases that annoy me:
"I like all kinds of music" - If you own less than 50 albums (or their mp3/itunes equivalent), then you like some music and aren't too fussed about the rest.

"I'm sorry but" - Classic annoyance. Stand up for your opinions you spineless shit.

"Let's agree to disagree" - NO. If I am taking the trouble to argue with you, then I will most likely be absolutely convinced that I am right (it is a rule of mine to only argue about stuff which I know about). 'Agreeing to disagree' somehow implies that the facts and reasons which my argument is based on, are somehow refuted by your desire to terminate the argument. I will agree that I am right and you are wrong. Nothing else will do.

"In cinemas July 1" - JULY THE FIRST YOU FUCK.

And every single bit of stupid pseudoscience new-age claptrap (pretty much summed up in Tim Minchin's 'Storm' poem). That Hamlet quote, we're all just "energy" etc etc.
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:39, 8 replies)

Alexei Sayle
"Anyone who uses the word workshop outside of light engineering is a twat"
(stubbledchin, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:34, 2 replies)

PIN number
Enter your PIN number....

No, it's not a PIN number, it's a PIN. The 'N' stands for number, as in Personal Identification Number.

Same at work - EIN number, even though EIN stands for Employee Identification Number.

If you say PIN number then I hate you.
(spazmataz mong-a-long-a-ding-dong, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:33, 17 replies)

Our mission statement...
I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and make sure that we are singing off the same hymn sheet. At the end of the day it is not a level playing field and the goal posts may move; if they do, someone else may have to pick the ball up and run with it. We therefore must have a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word 'go'. It is your train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back burner; we've got a lot of irons in the fire, right now. We will need to unstick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the flash-to-bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to the left and, if they do, we will need to run a tight ship. I don't want to re-invent the wheel but we must get right down in the weeds on this one. If push comes to shove, we may have to up stumps and then we'll be in a whole new ball game. I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If AFHQ can produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a world of hurt. I don't want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy. To that end, I want to get round the bazaars and make sure the movers and shakers are on side from day one. If you can hit me with your shopping list I can take it to the head honchos and start the ball rolling. If it goes pear-shaped, it is no good throwing our toys out of the pram or our teddy in the corner. Instead we may have to fine-tune it in order to do a re-gain. We'll be hung out to dry if it becomes a showstopper. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner here. If it all gets blown out of the water. however, I will be throwing a track. So get your feet in to my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row, I think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses. Before you bomb burst and throw smoke, it is imperative, that we play with a straight bat this time around. We need to nail our colours very firmly to the mast and look at the big picture. We've got to march to the beat of the drum. We are on a sticky wicket. I've been on permanent send for long enough and I've had my two cents worth. I don't want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must keep this very firmly in our sight picture or it could fall between the cracks. I don't want to be seen to be re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic but if the cap fits, wear it. At the end of the day, it's like a big game of Space Invaders; the aliens are getting closer and if we don't zap them it'll be game over for the lot of us. There are a number of wolves close to the sledge, and alligators close to the canoe, which need to be shot. As you are aware, it's a bit like punching a cloud round here. The heads of shed often play fast and loose, so it's stand by to repel boarders, I'm afraid. Right! Unless anyone wants to flag-up any bullet points I'll be in my office. My door is always open and I'm as flexible as a palm tree in a hurricane. The ball is in your court; don't let the wheel come off. If it unravels, your arse is grass and I'm a lawn-mower.
(yellowperil Is shirking from home, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:32, 6 replies)

Portmaneau words
the media cramming together two words to demonstrate a single concept. Brangelina, Bennifer and all the rest. Vapid nonsense about people I have no interest in, and yet the media assumes I need a quick way to say it since I obviously think about it so much.

Plus does every scandal *have* to have a -gate after it? Climategate etc is just ridiculous. It was named after a hotel!
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:30, 3 replies)

Egad! This QOTW is growing faster than I can read it!
I agree with most of it. Something which is beginning to irk me is the use of the phrase "good times" when tacked on to the end of a sentence. I don't suppose there's anything technically wrong with it, though, so throwing a pedant fit and ranting will probably have no effect other than to make me look foolish. Well, more foolish.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:24, 3 replies)

Aussies say "Average"
When they mean something isn't good.

It's gotten to the point where, if someone is rude or insulting or in some way, not a nice person in public, a bystander Aussie will say "Aaah, geez that's pretty average behaviour."

Really? Is it? Drown the lot of them in Lake Wobegon I say.
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:23, 6 replies)

Americanisms
"Oftentimes" - how is this different from often? They both mean frequently don't they?

"Winningest" - No. You are losingest.

Also, for rather less rational reasons, I don't like the word "pithy". It sounds the opposite of what it is. I can't help but feel it sounds miserable, petty, weak. Alas, I have very little power to affect its usage.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:23, 3 replies)

pretentious management talk
close of play
touch base
on the same page/singing from the same sheet
forward planning (just planning, right?)
mission critical (is it, really?)
thinking outside the box
pushing the envelope
bleeding edge
(mobileabuser I liked... clive, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:18, Reply)

"Going forward" or "Moving forward"
I work in an office and this is the one that usually catches my ear, screaming at me "I AM A PRETENTIOUS FUCKING IMBECILE AND LIKE TO USE BUZZWORDS TO APPEAR MORE INTELLIGENT."



Going forward I'd like people to cease using this phrase.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 15:15, 2 replies)