Conversation with my mobile phone provider
Helpine Drone: "Hello, welcome to O3 technical support. How can I help you?"

Carrot: "Yes, hello. My phone has stopped working. It turns on and turns itself off straight away."

HD "OK sir, I have the phone number 0791234567 here. Umm...you don't seem to be registered with us."

C "I know, this is my friend's phone."

HD "Oh. Um. OK. Can you call back using your own mobile?"

C "No, because it doesn't work."

HD "But we need you to be on your phone so we can run some checks on it."

C"Yeesss...but my phone doesn't work."

HD "So who's phone are you on?"

C (sigh)"As I said, my friend's phone."

HD "Can't you phone back using an O3 phone?"

C (urge to kill rising...riiiising). "No...I for some unknown reason, seem to be the only one of my friends who is twuntish enough to use your network, which believe me, will be something I will remedy VERY soon."

HD "Can I take your phone number then?"

C "Yes, it's 07987654321"

HD "That number doesn't seem to be registered with us either."

C "Yes. It. Is"

HD "Are you sure you are on the O3 network sir?"

C "OF COURSE I'M CUNTING WELL SURE. I HAVE BEEN WITH YOU SINCE YOU WERE CALLED FUCKING CELLNET."

HD "We were never called Cellnet. That was Vodafone I think you'll find sir."

C "NO IT WASN'T YOU WASTE OF SPERM! IT IS O2. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL COME THERE AND SKULLFUCK YOU PERSONALLY"

HD "Oh whoops, yes... I've found you now."

C (calming down slightly). "Oh. Wonderful."

HD "OK sir, what I need you to do is go into the settings menu."

C "I can't. As I said, it doesn't turn on."

HD "No need to get angry sir. So are you saying that you can't turn it on at all?"

C "No...it does turn on, but it turns off straight away afterwards."

HD "Ah. I've never heard of that fault before. Is the battery charged?"

C "Yes, fully charged."

HD "Well I suggest you take it to your nearest O3 shop who will be able to look at it for you. Oh by the way, I notice you are eligible for an upgrade. We can steal your soul for another 18 months of abysmal service if you just hack of a limb sir?"

C "I would rather give oral pleasure to Norman Bates' mother."

You can, therefore, imagine my surprise when 5 days later a new phone turned up along with another 18 month contract. They must have a strange idea of what constitutes approval in Bangalore....

/length
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:54, Reply)