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# In the medical school
at Newcastle Uni, someone's graffitied one of the men's toilets with an offer for gay sex, ending with the promise
'I'm nine inches long and two inches thick.'

Underneath, someone's written
'Are you a ferret?'
(, Mon 3 Nov 2003, 14:17, archived)
# Crabs
In the Engineering building at UCL some of the toilets have quite high ceilings - in one of the blokes traps there were arrows going up the wall to next to the cistern where there was some writing - but it was so small that - here's the genius - you had to stand on the toilet bowl to read it. And it said "No use standing there mate - the crabs in here can jump 10 feet"
(, Mon 3 Nov 2003, 14:24, archived)
# In some engineering office toilets
Someone had taken a sign from the workshop and stuck in on the back of the cubicle door, saying
"All objects over two pounds must be lowered by hand"
(, Mon 3 Nov 2003, 14:49, archived)
# Now that I like - consider yourself saluted ;)
Nowhere near as good - but in my PhD years there were 5 of us in a house in bounds green - much sign stealage - including the following: on the toilet door "haringay council - no dumping £2000 fine" on the wall inside the bog "haringay council - no ball games" and on the wall in the upstairs bog "Thames water - no swimming" ... we were easy to amuse back then...
(, Mon 3 Nov 2003, 15:15, archived)
# On my bedroom door
I have a sign stolen from the post room of a certain Govt Department saying "Bomb Area. Do Not Enter"

Some friends at university lived in a house where there were 4 or 5 blokes an done girl. They went to France once and while there they stole a direction sign for a town. They took it home and put it on the wall of the hallway pointing towards the girl's room. The town?

Brest.
(, Wed 5 Nov 2003, 13:26, archived)
# at my mum's old work
they had a lot of immigrant workers from countries where the lavatory arrangements are different - the ladies would stand on the toilet and squat when they went, and it was common to find dirty shoe-prints on the seats.
So someone did some signs and stuck them up - "no use standing on the seat, the crabs in here can jump ten feet".

Has the added bonus of rhyme. Management took the signs down though, lest anyone got offended.
(, Mon 3 Nov 2003, 18:38, archived)
# Crabs revisited
If memory serves me right, this is an old bit of graffiti from WW2...

It's no use standing on the seat
the crabs in here can jump 10 feet.
If you think that's fucking high
go next door, the bastards fly
Swinging off chains and such resources
is laughed at by their airbourne forces
That's why it gives me reason, a cunning wrangle
to give my bollocks room to dangle.

Something along those lines anyhoo. Check out the 'Graffiti' series of books by Nigel Rees for more. Pure genius some of the stuff in there.
(, Mon 3 Nov 2003, 18:49, archived)
# Crabby crab crabba
I saw a similar one whilst shitting in a youth hostel in Australia.

"Don't bother trying to wipe the seat
A healthy crab can jump three feet."

a bit worrying if you're already sitting.
(, Thu 6 Nov 2003, 16:25, archived)