MELONS! :D
Oh Dear..

I've written about this before, but I can't be arsed to find the post.

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Wanking when young was an act of desperation... It was to fulfil a need. Wanking in later years became more of an art-form... finding novel ways to achieve the ultimate goal became my vocation, and if you can imagine it, I've probably tried it.

You've read about my horrifying disaster with a napkin ring, when, though a series of errors and ignorance around the working of the erectile properties of the one-eyed trouser-gopher I ended up on my knees, engorged and metal-clad cock in one hand and Dremel in the other... This one however falls below that in terms of horrifying moments... but none-the-less represents what must be one of man's more horrific blunders in the name of self gratification.

The phrase to describe man's needs "Warm, tight and wet" is, in honesty a bit bland, but as a teenager in love with ejaculation, my goal was to replicate those conditions, and Fuck it. A typical week's R&D would go like this...

Hot Sponge.
This proved to be too "cleaning" and I cleaned a lot of skin off my bellend. Ouch.

Hot Sponge Mod 1.
With Soap!! (see, I wasn't stupid). Cleans skin off bellend, and STINGS MORE. BUGGER.

Hot Spoinge with "Shammy" leather liner.
Smooooth and yummy. With added Body lotion... Better! SUCCESS!!! (but leaves weird streaks on the car)

Most teenagers are infamous for spending suspiciously long in the bathroom... I possibly had them trumped by being the only lad who'd take half the garage with him.

What I though would be the culmination of my work would the the only logical extension of the "shagging an orange" theory. Oranges are acidic, they have sharp pips and they are SMALL. We needed something less acidic and larger. MELONS!!!

The only thing that a melon naturally lacked was warmth.

My parents were out, I used to live in the country, and we had just got a microwave. Excellent. Not one to master the power settings, I plumped for "turbo". I nuked the melon in 30 second bursts, waiting until the outside felt good and warm. 5 minutes later we were ready to rock.

I retired upstairs with a hole-saw and a drill, and proceeded to remove a neat 52mm diameter slice of potentially sharp and hard skin.. This was going to be sublime... then, using the handle of a wooden spoon, I poked a "pilot" hole into the soft melon-flesh.... it was easy....

I nudged my teenage boy-hood, soft and forgiving melon-flesh grudgingly gave way, and satisfied that I'd found a perfect home for my throbbing friend, I thrust home.....

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My mum noticed a week or two later that the "burn-eze" was no long near the stove, but I never let on. That tube lasted for 3 weeks... I then had to use Savlon.

Apparently (I learned later on) the hardish parabolic skin of a melon concentrates the microwaves into the center. As I'd penetrated through the center it felt far softer than the rest... not only that, but it fizzed. I had become possibly the first person to thrust into a sugar-rich BOILING center of a cantaloupe.

I walked funny for a month.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 14:42, 6 replies)

The ancient greeks had a saying:
"A woman for babies, a boy for fun but a watermelon for orgasms."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 15:33, closed)

orgasms a burnt cock
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 30 Jun 2011, 15:38, closed)

You may have walked funny but how on earth did you pee?
Youch!
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 15:39, closed)

Don't worry...
I took the melon off first....
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 15:42, closed)

It would've been better
to warm it up by immersing it in a hot bath for a while.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 15:47, closed)

Think of the Environment! A Microwave is FAR more efficient...

Besides... has any teenager got time for the warmth to slowly sink into the melon? No.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 30 Jun 2011, 16:00, closed)