Not my body,
just a body.

A couple of weeks back I got home late, and there, on my step, was the body of a seagull chick. I hate the screeching fucks, so I didn't go all girly and "aw" and "aah" at this tragic loss of life, a soul cut short by the evil whims of nature. No, I bent down to take a closer look.
It was a damp night, and the tiny fluffy body was, grotesquely, covered in slugs. There was no way I was picking up a sluggy corpse. Disposal could wait until morning.
Morning came, as mornings do, and the sun was shining. It was a hot day. I got out of bed just as my phone started ringing. Dad was on his way to the tip, and he asked if I had anything he could dispose of. I had some cardboard to get rid of, so I gathered it up and ran out to meet him.
Through the conservatory.
Over the patio.
Down the steps.
And onto a sweaty rancid juvenile avian corpse.
Barefoot.
It's bowels exploded out of its arse and decorated the steps with delicate pinky-brown tubes, and my next step landed in them. I can honestly say that sitting on a curb dry-heaving with a footful of entrails as strangers walk past is a humbling experience. I really don't think there can be many things as fucking disgusting as having to wash day-old guts from between your toes with a hosepipe.
Even writing this has had me gagging like an inexperienced choirboy. Fucks sake.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 15:57, 6 replies)

Somewhere up there,
the seagull's spirit is laughing its arse off at you.

You made me laugh as well, so have a click.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 16:24, closed)

I am SO aroused right now.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 17:06, closed)

Inexperienced choirboys will do that.
How are you doing, old chap?
( Ghoti Fingers, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 22:23, closed)

I'm doing very well thank you, Sir.
I took Mrs V to The French House last Saturday afternoon, and we sat at the bar, which was nice.

How are you?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 9:09, closed)

The Breton cider there is excellent.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 18:52, closed)

did you not squish it between your toes?

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 16:13, closed)