I need suggestions...
I have just, in the past ten minutes, learnt something very fucked up.

My Dad has run a pub for nearly three years. It has been my local my whole life and I work there, as does my boyfriend and lots of my friends. We have worked extremely hard to turn the pub around and trade has doubled, due to us putting live music on and generally working our arses off. When the smoking ban came in, my Dad put up a massive heated smoking shelter out of his own pocket, because the stupid fucks from Enterprise Inns wouldn't help with anything. The whole pub needed re-wiring. Despite this being in their remit, Enterprise Fucking Inns wouldn't give us a penny.

Now, the cunts were supposed to be arranging a rent review in January, but were dicking us about until a couple of months ago, when they decided to demand a ridiculous increase in rent. There was a meeting today, where they said they wouldn't reduce it, so if the arbitration doesn't go our way, we're out in 6 months. How big an increase? 80%.

Yep. 80 FUCKING PER CENT.

In the past three years, we've turned the pub completely around. It's a great pub where you can come in with no chance of shit, because WE'VE systematically weeded out all the cunts and barred them. If anyone in the village needs anything, they know they can come in and someone will help them out. We have paid the best part of £600,000 to Enterprise Inns in the past 3 years.

Now, we're going to have to give it up, and Enterprise will just put some know-nothing twats in, who everyone will hate. We won't have anywhere else to go. In Otley, which is near us, there's about 7 pubs. About 4 of them are Enterprise pubs. ALL 4 are up for rent, because of this shit. They want us to pay them rent and beer, and then they give us nothing and then try to fuck us.

Wanna know who I blame? Ted Tuppen. The head of the whole fucking shitty operation. Fuck him. His company are billions in debt, so whilst commercial rents have REDUCED over the past 5 years, he wants us to pay him 80% more to bail his fucking arse out.

I repeat, FUCK TED TUPPEN.

Back to the topic, I want to do something to really fuck with Enterprise. Anonymously, of course, but also as childish as possible.

So, suggestions welcome.

Sorry for length, lack of funnies, excess of swearing and non-topicness, but I needed to get this out of my system.

EDIT: I will post from my massive list of childish stuff I do when I calm down. Pwomise!

EDIT: Thanks for all the messages of support guys. I spent a good couple of hours reading the lease the other day (law student), and think we might have a good case for arbitration due to a couple of clauses about rent reviews which they seem to have forgotten. If it doesn't go away, I will bear all your suggestions in mind. My dad has already said we're pulling up the flags from both beer gardens, all the railings and, if we can't dismantle the smoking shelter, we're burning it.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:02, 23 replies)

Ouch
Full sympathies. My cousin turned The Stockport Arms (in Stockport, of course) around over a couple of years and much sweat and tears, made it a great boozer. Then they got raped on rent and had to quit. Brewery got new folk in, dropped the rent and now it's shite again.

If I think of some decent revenge I'll let you know!
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:08, closed)

Sign them up
for loads of gay scat porn sites and the like. They have a website- surely the guy in question has an email address?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:08, closed)

because gays smearing shite on each other is far more vile

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:32, closed)

Haha
haha, I am definetley more offended by Enterprise. Gr.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:34, closed)

No, he doesn't have an email address
His email address isn't [email protected]
And his phone number (direct line) isn't 0121 256 3050 (or another extension in the vicinity thereof).

And of course, he didn't put his own email address in this mailshot whining about Fair Pint.
( eXOBeX, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 15:37, closed)

Anyone else spot the irony?
A two-page letter attempting to claim how they're not the big bad; immediately follwed by an automatic disclaimer which essentially says that the author (note: the Chief Executive) doesn't necessarily speak for the company.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 8:11, closed)

God I love Enterprise
Not much you can do about them unfortunately. The Morning Advertise is always a good place to air your views, they say all the right things in their press releases about helping licensees then you get them in private where they basically tell you to fuck off as they're not helping anyone.
I just bugged them lots and lots, my BDM, credit control anyone the switch board would let us get in contact with until they backed down.
Please note that they do not expect you to take their first offer in a rent review, that is your opportunity to come back with a counter offer.
If you seriously want some advice please message me, have been dealing with Enterprise about my pub and my friend's.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:18, closed)

have you heard of Fair Pint?
You probably have, it's a campaign organised by landlords, to stand up to the utter cunts that are Enterprise. Worth mentioning.

Sorry, that wasn't very childish, was it?
(rockdoctor, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:01, closed)

Remove a ceiling tile, drill holes in it.
Place a bowl full of maggots in the ceiling space, replacing the tile.

Leave the pub.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:08, closed)

Remove a ceiling tile, drill holes in it.
Place dead dog/cat/badger/whatever roadkill you can find in the ceiling space, continue as above.
( eXOBeX, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 15:21, closed)

Remove goods equal to the amount of your own dough you invested in the place?

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:31, closed)

The smoking ban is to blame.
I blame Roy Castle.
Apparently the government get to say whay we do on our property and to our bodies.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 18:57, closed)

surely all the sutff you put in
is yours? you'll be taking your TV? take the bloody shelter as well! i bet a few of yer regulars might help you move it to your new gaff.

edit: or open a new proper pub with a minibrewery and a decent smoking area and fuck off the big breweries. i know nothing about the industry but i much prefer paying 3 quid a pint for something good in a decent place with a good smoking area than a quid for something out of the urinals while being bumped by the shiny shoe brigade
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 19:02, closed)

Not just the smoking shelter
Take the regulars as well! Heck, a weekly (and free, or paid but beer tokens as receipt) minibus service from old pub to new pub would help keep the old lot happy, wouldn't it?
( eXOBeX, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 15:24, closed)

Mossfitti a big penis on an appropriate wall.
I love mossfitti.
(Scritty Bakerman., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 7:58, closed)

CAMRA
I get annoyed with most PubCos. I've been into a few Enterprise Inns which have been very nice; it's own later on that you realise "turning it into a nice pub" was the landlord's idea, not Enterprise's.

But if it's as good a local as you say, how well do you and your Dad get on with the local CAMRA lot? I know they can be a pedantic lot and will often be fussy if their ale's a degree too warm or they don't rate your cellarmanship, but if you're able to get them on your side, most branches worth their salt will fight to the last to defend you against Enterprise. Because they love a good local, but they hate PubCo policies almost as much as they hate lager. It's worth seeing if you can rally them to bring down their sweaty, bearded fury on this Tuppen arsehole.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 9:28, closed)

aye
we're well in with the CAMRA lot, we got the pub into the Good Beer Guide for the first time (again, putting the real ale lines in at our own expense). Looks like our only hope for this place is arbitration, but we have a meeting with Admiral next week, yeah another PubCo, but we should be able to get another pub out of it, and another 3 years of the game before they try to fuck us over as well.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:31, closed)

If the fcukers to force you out.
1) Clear the pub of everything you paid for. Take away the smokers area. Rip out the new electrics. Take away the real ales etc.

2) Have a clsoing down party. Preferably once your lease is done and you've lcoked up and given the keys back. Just show someone how to break in and let them advertise on myspaz. Leave Enterprise with a wreck shell of a pub.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 13:37, closed)

Agree with point 1 above
Strip out all new electrics, leaving bare minimum. Isolate entire ring mains and chop the cables back in the dis-boards and the pattresses so they can't be reused, leave the absolute bare legal minimum of a working electrical system in the place. Replace any fancy brass switches, etc. with 99p jobs from Screwfix, or cheaper if you can get them. Freshly dead outlets can be filled with cement then topped off with an electrical blanking plate. See those nice new AirForce dryers in the toilets? They go, replaced with cheapie TimeMist ones from eBay.
( eXOBeX, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 15:50, closed)

Try and track down Paul Gabbutt
He owns the www.enterpriseinns.co.uk domain, currently parked up. If he's grabbed the domain 'cos they fucked him over, could be the makings of a plan!

There's only one Paul Gabbutt (one Paul Gaaaaa-buuuuutttt...) on Facebook, good place to start?

Edit: Googling "paul gabbutt" publican puts him as a one-time regional manager for Pubmaster.
( eXOBeX, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 15:17, closed)

if you do end up having to leave......
..."remove" everything you can that is an absolute ARSE to replace / order in..... your Dad, being a publican, will know what kind of thing i'm talking about but here's a few of my suggestions...

- All the "racks" from the dishwashers / glasswashers etc. making it impossible to wash anything
- all the till drawers from the tills
- all the little screw on nozzles from the draught pumps

etc. etc.

I really do hope you don't have to leave but those are some of my childish suggestions!
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 19:18, closed)

That reminds me
If you remove any appliances, a few quick hacksaw scrapes across the threads of the hot/cold water feeds will result in a connection guaranteed to leak like buggery when the next appliance hose is screwed on. Or remove them and solder on an end cap. Once the pipe's refilled the cap can't be desoldered unless the pipe's drained (as the water will conduct the heat away) which depending on location & orientation of said pipe may be impossible.

Two little tips there that I remember from a friend of mine who got fucked out of a pub restaurant deal. Pub now shut, arsehole owner (who was trying to force my friends out so he could get his family in on the catering) now bankrupt.
( eXOBeX, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 21:25, closed)

FAST is your mate
You could try reporting them to FAST for running pirate software. If they're as cheap as you say, they probably are running unlicensed stuff. Even if they're not, it'll still cripple their business for a few months while they sort it out.

Sorry for lack of childish, but if I wanted to hurt a business that's what I'd do.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 23:16, closed)