Sale of Goods Hell
This is a reproduction of a letter (Minus a name or two here & there to protect the innocent) which was sent to the Chief Constable of Durham Police. I used to have a photocopy of the original letter in my possession. I have no reason to doubt its authenticity.

Its reasonably long, but it just gets better & better!!



Dear Sir,

30th April 2001

On the 30th March 2001, I paid the male proprietor of Eastbourne Electrics, Skinnergate, Darlington, £10-00 as a deposit for 2 (two) lantern batteries. The proprietor issued me with receipt no. 14424 and stated that the 2 batteries would be ready within 14 days.
To-day, Monday 30th April 2001, I visited Eastbourne Electrics, Skinnergate , Darlington between noon and 12.30 pm and asked for the batteries.
The male proprietor at first said “The batteries have not come in yet”.
I said “I would like my £10-00 back”
The proprietor immediately said “the batteries may come in on Tuesday or Thursday this week”
I again demanded my money back. At this point the proprietor then said “the batteries may be in my store-room at the back of the shop”
I again demanded my money back. The proprietor then said “Your not getting it!!”
At this point I said “I am a retired Magistrates Clerks assistant and I am going to tell the police about this”
The proprietor screamed in reply “ON YOUR BIKE!”
I left the shop.

Sir, I would like one of your police officers, or, Darlington Borough Council Trading standards to attempt to obtain the return of my £10-00 please.

My name may be familiar to recipients of this missive, as for many years I was a Senior clerk, according to the “written establishment list” at Darlington County Petty Sessional Division and Darlington Borough Magistrates Court.

By the way, as is known to Durham Constabulary, in early 1983, I made a very serious attempt to kill myself, in fact, I was unconscious for one week. The reason for this suicide attempt, and this was the sole reason, was an application sent to the Magistrates Courts Committee for the County of Durham, by a typist employed at Darlington Magistrates Court by the name of Miss [name removed], who had once worked under me at the Court.

The nature of the written demand sent to Durham County Magistrates Committee by [Name removed] , supported by her trade union, was that, she was entitled to
i) My grade on the Establishment at my Court
ii) My salary

I do not know any of the grounds for [name removed] demands to the Clerk of Durham Magistrates Committee.

[name Removed] cost me:-

i) My career
ii) My Health
iii) And was responsible for my descent into alcoholism.


By the way , it is well known in Circles in the metropolis, including Fleet Street / Wapping, that I met, and spoke to the Devil, in the flesh, several times after June 1983, and because of this fact I have sent a copy of this letter to a Priest in my parish as I
i) have no family to speak of
ii) have six serious illnesses
iii) wish to be buried AND NOT [underlined] cremated, perhaps at the expense of the Roman catholic church.


By the way SIR, if you send a police officer to [address removed] with the £10-00 which I am owed, please ensure it is NOT [underlined 3 times]

Detective Police Constable “Tony” Kennedy of “CID Intelligence”

As “Tony” is NOT [underlined twice] the aforesaid Police Officer’s Christian name, and of course , it is, of course, an offence for a Police Officer to consistently, and continually, use a false name for over 20 (TWENTY) years.

I remain your obedient servant.

Yours faithfully etc
(Worthless wishes he had the brains of a pigeon, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 10:46, 2 replies)

I love that
thanks for sharing.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 3 Sep 2010, 23:13, closed)

I don't...
...get it?
(WittyUsernameHere, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 16:46, closed)