Ok scenario as close as I can think of it
Your mum has 2 kids, yourself (who is capable of attachment and feelings) and your sister. You both get on really well (ie no family feuds) but your sister unexpectedly died 18 months ago.
Every week people, in the normal course of conversation with strangers, look at you, make a judgment on your appearance or age, and ask you 'do you have any sisters?'
Do you say no, and let that person think you've grown up an only child, denying the existence of a person who had an impact on your life and the person you are now, or do you say 'yes', but allude to the fact that she is no longer here? (I know, depends how you are on the day and who the asking person is)

No right answers I guess, each to their own.
This is my own.
People look at me, in my mid-thirties, and make an assumption. If there is not a fucktrophy hanging off my tit, then no, I do not have kids. And I don't know the exact WHO stats for infertility (1 in 8 US couples) and much as I hate to concur with the Shamblyone, one in 4 (although according to my well-informed source, more likely to be 1 in 2 pregnancies will miscarry (although that is not 'official' stats, just from someone whose day-to-day dealings are on miscarriage). Its common but people often don't think and just blunder in.

I wouldn't swear in the delivery with a stranger. And it wouldn't come across as aggressive as your example. I reckon honesty is possible in most scenarios but like I said, its in the delivery. That said, I don't often get asked to go clothes-shopping with girls as I WILL say if something looks hideous
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Mon 16 May 2011, 11:28, 2 replies)

Sorry for all the sadbits, you must have had a lot of tough times.

One question though - do you think that you'll feel the same way about the question if the IVF works out and you have kids?
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Mon 16 May 2011, 12:13, closed)

good question, I'm not sure
I have heard of people who do count the first losses as their kids and that question makes them also wonder what to reply with.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:29, closed)

Very true!

I hope taht IVF works out for you, and that you have some lovely kids and that this whole issue becomes easier for you.

Ignore the haters, while they're riled at the tone of your original message (was a little full on), i'm sure that if they had looked a little deeper, more would have laughed along with your (pretty dark) humour in the face of some painful memories.
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Tue 17 May 2011, 17:38, closed)

yeah, funny that its ok to 'not beat around the bush' in any replies to a post
but that 'not beating around the bush' irl is so frowned upon.
Gotta laugh, if you don't . . . the universe implodes(!)
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Thu 19 May 2011, 10:49, closed)

Asking people if they have children is not "blundering in".
It is a normal and well-intentioned conversation opener. Interpreting it as a personal slight and going on the attack is, in psychological jargon, completely fucking nuts.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 16 May 2011, 15:29, closed)

excuse my crap choice of words
somehow when I saw your comments and before realising your seriousness, I went on the defensive.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Tue 17 May 2011, 6:30, closed)