Oh man, this story is a riot.













I did your mum.
( SuperMatt, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:15, 5 replies)

Beatlemania
I was born in 1964 - on the day that I Feel Fine by The Beatles was released, in fact.

My first really long-term relationship was with T, a leggy blonde 13 years older than me (I was 22 when we met), divorced but also a practising Catholic (so she had some serious guilt issues with that).

My Mum had issues with it too - although when I took T along to my sister's wedding, none of the male guests there could see a problem, they all told me I'd done well ;o)

We lived together for four years, and although the relationship didn't last, we both got positives out of it - I helped her rebuild her confidence after her marriage break-up, and she encouraged me to go to university, which I did when I was 26 (where the availability of so many nubile young women 140 miles away from home didn't help my relationship with T one bit - we split at the end of my first year...).

We'd been to a particular Greek island on holiday a few times and got to know the locals pretty well - so much so that T ended up going to live there with a waiter younger than me (she loved the movie Shirley Valentine, and I imagine anyone considering getting her Mamma Mia for Christmas had better reconsider.

Now and again I see the mutual friend we met through who says that T has done very well for herself in Greece, and I'm pleased for her, I have fond memories of our time together.

Oh, the reference to The Beatles - around the time I was born, her older brother (a musician) took T to see the Fab Four play in Cardiff. She also got to see Jimi Hendrix play live, lucky cow.
(Capo, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:08, Reply)

Just married a gent 4 1/2 years younger than me.
I'm 37, he's 32. Is that wrong?? He's the youngest of three brothers, and oldest brother's wife keeps harping on what had previously seemed to us to be a negligible age gap.

On the way to buying wedding crap, she puts an 80's compilation on the car stereo. We reminisce about 80's bands. She loudly says to my intended- "Sorry, Mr. Badger- this stuff is from before your time".

Later, she announces that I'm exactly 1 month older than HER husband. In front of the entire family. Why? Why??

"So?"
"So... I think it's extremely cool". Pig's arse she does. What the hell is her problem?

The urge to say "well, I may be a geriatric, but at least I don't have an arse the size of a bus and a chuff like the Chunnel from having five kids like some people I could mention" does appeal.
(lonelybadger, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 7:53, 7 replies)

Jeez, I thought I was bad.
When I had just turned 17 I was with a 25 year old for a little bit.

I usually refused to think of him by his name and just referred to him as "Creepy Guy."

This title proved to be especially apt when I found out he was actually 28 and insisted, when I broke it off, that I was ridiculous for caring about age and I was just afraid of someone loving me and opening myself up to someone. Keep in mind, I'm one of the most open, emotionally stupid people you'll ever meet.

And people say teenagers are silly.
(Mreek, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 5:26, Reply)

oh my long gone youth
I was 20, he was 63.
Thats about it really.
Incompatable much?


Length
about 2 weeks
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 3:54, Reply)

Different Perspectives
A mate is shacked up with a girl who was half his age when they first met.. she was 21 - he was 42.

His first time to meet the parents was at her 21st, & he discovered he was older than her mum. About 3 years later they are still happy together, altho he has now admitted he is having trouble keeping up with her in bed...

When I tell this story to girls, they invariably screw their faces up & say "yuk!".

When I tell this story to guys, they invariably groan & say "lucky bastard!".
(Barry Dangerous, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 3:46, 1 reply)

This greek bloke I heard about
was old... I'm talking long greay beard, born in a cave, raised in a shepherd's hut, that kind of old. Anyway, he was quite succesful at his job, got married had kids (lots of kids), the years go by, he gets bored and starts shagging around. Loads of young totty, at least a dozen at last count, are his, but the best of the bunch was when he was already a grandfather, about to be a greatgrandfather and somehow, just by putting a swan on his head, he picks up a girl just out of her teens and fathers a child. By this stage he must have been at least 3-400 years old. Zeus eh, what a fucking legend.
( difficultchild, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 3:19, 2 replies)

It was my last night in Hong Kong
Before I was to fly to Edinburgh the next morning to start studying at the University of Edinburgh. I was 19.

Being my last night, a couple of mates and I went for a last night of drinking in a small bar which held quite a few memories for us.

It was here that I saw a rather attractive, slender lady who was in the company of several business partners who had all had too much to drink and were attempting to dance, though the word 'attempting' was perhaps too generous.

A more suitable verb would be 'failing'. I raised an eyebrow of sympathy, and our gazes met. I raised the bottle in my hand with a gentle acknowledgment, and - probably glad of the excuse to do so - she made her way to the bar.

So began a night of the type of flirting that only happens when both participants are in that special state of inebriated where everything anyone says is an eloquent witticism.

I learned that her name was Clara, and that she had just retired at the age of 35 after having sold her substantial business empire to the businessmen who were now clumsily stumbling across the floor behind us in an impressive display of ineptitude. Her marriage had fallen victim to her career, and she had been lonely since, though having finally sold her empire for a significant sum of money she intended to rectify that.

I also learned that apparently I resemble the then-captain of the Welsh rugby team, which was either a subtly masked insult or an unusual compliment. I assumed the latter when she pressed her lips urgently against mine, forcefully sparring with my tongue.

I bade farewell to my comrades as Clara bundled me into a taxi, telling him to take her to her beach-side villa as she locked her lips to mine yet again in animalistic passion, only stopping to let me breathe when we arrived at her sizable house.

Mansion was a more apt description. The garden was massive and continued onto the shore, the building fronted with a wooden deck large enough for it's own swimming pool and a pair of BMWs parked in the garage.

I didn't have much time to take it all in, though, as I was almost dragged indoors and upstairs to a large, untidy room which, upon closer inspection, turned out to be a nursery.

As she hurriedly undid the buttons of my shirt she spoke. "Can't do it downstairs, my daughter's room is there." I wasn't entirely sure if she was talking to me or to herself, but I didn't think it through too much as she freed my swollen member from it's confines before immediately grasping it with an experienced grip and beginning to pump.

She kissed the tip of my throbbing meat with hot, wet lips before quickly swallowing my entire length. I gasped as her throat grasped my glans with a hot, moist grip and moaned heavily as she pulled away, sliding herself off my cock with barely a gag.

"Shhh! My mother's asleep upstairs!" she hissed at me in the dark.

The only thing that stopped me from loosing my erection was the fact that she had again forced it down her throat, her lips pressed firmly against my base as she demonstrated a significant amount of experience and technique.

The night was fruitful. I made up for my relative lack of experience with my stamina, providing Clara with a good two hours of shafting in a number of positions, Clara masking each of her many orgasms by biting my shoulder as she came. By the end of the night she had all but drawn blood.

Finally, sated and exhausted, we collapsed on the sofa which now positively reeked of urgent sex, gently holding each other and breathing in that very special post-coitus manner.

"So, what do you do again?" she asked.

"I'm a student."

She shifted in surprise, raising an eyebrow.

"How old are you again?"

"19."

She looked incredulous.

"Oh fuck, I'm more than twice your age!"

I told her quite plainly that she didn't at all look 39 and I wasn't at all bothered.

Then it dawned on me that I would have to be on a plane in less than 12 hours. I apologised and began to get dressed, cursing occasionally as I trod on a child's toy.

"I'm afraid I leave tomorrow for the UK." I said sadly.

Her face echoed mine, wistful and crestfallen at the realization that this would most likely be the last we saw of each other.

"Could I have your email?" She asked plaintively, as I stood in the doorway.

I'm going to hell. I wrote it on her 5-year-old daughter's chalkboard.

*cringe*
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 1:53, 5 replies)

78 Year Old Edith
When I was 21 I formed a relationship with my 78 year old next door neighbour, Edith. She was kind of hot in a white haired, wrinkly, very saggy sort of a way. Nice arse mind you, particularly when she dressed up in old style knickers and suspenders.

Anyway, one thing lead to another, and we ended up in her bedroom, her lying on the bed in aforementioned lingerie, except panties, her muffler staring at me like a toothless chewbacca.

I whipped off my tweeds, ready for action.

She whispered breathlessly "Be gentle with me, I've got acute angina"...

"I know" I replied..."Your tits aren't bad either"

Ba-boom.
(Mandrill, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 1:43, Reply)

worth the bandwidth?
There are but 132 days between me and Mrs Maudlin. So I think I'm wasting my time here.

Though on a hot summer's day when I was 13, I nearly got lucky in a field with the girl who lived across the road. However, I was just far too naive to pick up the signals. She was only four(4) days younger than I anyway so it would've been an even less relevant anecdote.

I'm afraid I have nothing worth answering with this week. I'll try to think up a pun at weekend though.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 1:17, Reply)

Tenuous 61 years?
Every long-term partner I've had has been older. First age gap was 5 years, then 8 years, then 15 years (I'm currently single and slightly anxious that - should the pattern continue - my next partner will be drawing a pension. I'm 23.)

However, as regards age-gap shags, how about...

Me at 20, and 2 guys who gave their ages as 39 and 42. That's a combined age of 81.

Yes, at the same time.

I'm not proud of it, and don't remember most of the experience but what I do recall was extremely mediocre. They seemed pretty fucking pleased with themselves though.

Another good reason why I don't drink any more!
(Samara Morgan is a small blue thing, like a marble or an eye, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 1:07, 2 replies)

i was 16...
she was 28, and an ex pro...

she taught me a lot!

(mostly NEVER to go out with ex pro, speed freak rock club bouncers!)
(rancidpete has lost all hope in the proles..., Fri 5 Dec 2008, 0:33, Reply)

one night stunned
also a pearoast, but bite me.

when i was about 13, i was the owner of the flattest chest in the west, to say nothing of a bit of a belly and a haircut that made me look like a raisin. i was also really fed up with being virtually the last one of my friends who had yet to snog anyone.

so one friday night, i went to stay with my friend petra up in buxton. petra was only 14, but she had been out with several boys already, and had actually seen a penis. that wasn't her dad's or her brother's. although it was buxton, so actually they were probably all related. anyway.

we got obscenely drunk on thunderbird and went staggering around the town on a serious mission to get snogged. my virginal lips were puckered with desperation as pub after pub yielded only old men playing darts. then, in the eagle, we struck gold. or so we thought. a gang of kiwi rugby players, who immediately bought us a drink. 5 minutes later, i was snogging "dave" and petra was snogging "nigel".

the next thing i remember, dave and i were following petra and nigel to their b&b. i didn't want to go, but i couldn't go back to petra's without her. my indecision must have shown on my face, as dave looked down into my eyes, and said tenderly:

"oi nigel, this is bollocks mate, we ain't getting any out of these two."

nigel, however, was keen, and before i knew it, i was falling into a dark bedroom. i collapsed onto one of the twin beds, and could hear petra moaning like a porn star before my arse had hit the mattress. "dave" sat on the opposite bed and looked at me.

"i-i-i'm not going to have sex with you," i proclaimed.

"alright. but what are you going to do for me?" he replied, sliding over to me. he ran a hand over the creamy swell of my cleavage, realised it was all wonderbra, and looked at me again.

"how old are you?" he asked.

"13," i said tremulously. he carried on staring at me. for a moment, i thought he was going to laugh, or throw me out. then, as we heard the headboard going at it in the next room, he let out a long low moan.

"13? fuck me, say that again," he groaned. then, "so have you ever given anyone a blowjob before? had an orgasm before? oh yeah, keep looking at me like that..."

what, with thunderbird and disbelief?! two minutes later, i found myself flat on my back, sexy lumberjack shirt (why were they ever fashionable for girls?!) and wonderbra discarded on the floor, pushing my non existent breasts into a titwank, and having to pant breathily, "i'm 13, i'm only 13" and being given blow job lessons until my mouth was filled with horrid warm salty stuff . i pulled away in a panic, and it went in my eye. spunk in the eye hurts like a bitch.

i was still drunk enough for it to seem funny rather than disturbing when petra finally stopped squealing and agreed to head home. however, her mother was blazing mad when we staggered in hammered at 4am, and made us go to church in the morning as a punishment. sobering up under the beady eye of the vicar, i was struck by three things:

1 he was 34, still older than i am now, 18 years on. "i'm 13, i'm only 13" ? dirty fucking bastard!

2 the kiwi accent lasted as long as the clothes. turned out they were from ipswich, or so nigel told petra.

3 i had a hair in my teeth.

other than that, though, i don't think age matters a flying fuck. some people are older at 16 than others will be at 61!

apologies for length, but i'm only 13.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 23:54, 14 replies)

feck feck feck
Myself at the ripe age of 34, being separated for 2 years would basically 'do' anything going, rangeing from a 21 year old lass with too many dark hairs on her face that I'd like to mention..(hey..she was 21! :) ) up to what my friends called 'the gilf'. She wasn't really that much older at 42, but omg what a woman. She was a 6ft size 10 childless career motivated sexual monster. I still dream about the fine quality of oral that she gave me but after much taunting from friends I decided to exchange 'the gilf' for a younger model. It was then after the awkward 'things ain't working etc' speech that I found out she was absolutly minted!.... not that I'm low, but still.... Terrrwat!
(hagga, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 23:16, Reply)

Arg.
When I basically realised that I preferred meat to fish after 4 wasted years of flange lovin, I decided to catch up on missed time. Part of this involved gaydar (or, the 'dar as it is also known to members of the chutney ferret community.)

Now as a young, naive and callow carrot, I obviously attracted the attention of some *ahem* sugar daddy types. No problem, a polite email declining their kind offer of an unlubed fist up my marmite motorway and no harm done.

One chap caught my eye (not that one you sick freaks!) when he emailed me. Age was not mentioned on his profile, but in his picture he looked worth a squirt, and fairly much around my age.

We messaged a bit, and eventually agreed to meet up. The young carrot's heart was beating 300 per minute as I sat on a chair in a Coffee Republic in my finest clothes awaiting his arrival.

After about 10 minutes, no sign of the dark haired lothario who had caught my heart. Then, someone tapped me on my shoulder.

"You Carrot?" he asked.

Oh fuck, I thought. There must have been some accident and his Dad has come to let me know so I can rush to his bedside and offer succour*

Er

No.

This chap was "a bit more mature" in the same way that Michael Douglas is. The photo of him must have been at least 10 years old, and those ten years had not been kind. The remaining hair was grey and thinly spread, the teeth were crooked and slightly yellowing and the belly was definitely the victim of a few red wines.

Anyway, he was a gentleman. He paid for dinner, and by the time we were done I'd had so much wine that I didn't give a fuck any more. So we popped back to his place.

As we got in, he said "make yourself comfy and I'll open some wine. Why not choose some music."

Music. Oh fuck. I looked at his impressive collection and chose the perfect CD. It was an old favourite of mine, smooth, mellow and suited the atmosphere perfectly.

He comes back in. "Oh, good choice. I love Eric Clapton.

"Oh yes," I chirrup in my drunken state. "This is one of my Dad's favourite albums."

You could virtually see him crumple.

I left shortly afterwards.

* I said succour.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 4 Dec 2008, 23:02, Reply)

My Parents are a bit naughty
My Mum is twenty years older than me and my Dad is fifteen years older than me...

That means when I was born my Dad was still in school.






Fortunately, I am adopted so it is all OK.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 22:58, Reply)

The Joy of Sex
My first real love was an experienced 20 year old to my innocent 18 years. He taught me the joy of sex and gave me the book too! He is a wonderful man, and after 30 years he still looks fantastic and is still a wonderful person. Thank god for those who share the wealth! Thank God he was around to teach me that sex is a good thing.
(The Lunatic Artist throws paint to the wind, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 22:43, Reply)

Male to female:
My first long term relationship: 12 yrs, I was 29, she was 17 and had far more experience than me.

My second: Six years older than her.

My wife, 6 months younger than me.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Thu 4 Dec 2008, 22:35, Reply)

I once had a relationship with a lady that was 4 years older than me
That seemed controversial at the time, that and the fact she was married with a baby.
( Monty Propps, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 22:30, Reply)

i was 20
they must have been age 40-65+

gay saunas are fun!
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 22:20, 1 reply)

the age gap didn't bother me
so much as the sanity gap.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 22:13, Reply)

There's a guy at my work...
who's about the same age as me, but maybe a year younger, which would make him 33/34. He has just started dating another of our colleagues - a very nice young girl of 19. She's all sensible and grown-up, quite a bit more so than he sometimes seems, but they seem very happy.

What is absolutely incomprehensible to me is that I find this age gap a bit too big, and it makes me feel like a big fucking hypocrite.

mr b3th is 64 next month.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 4 Dec 2008, 22:08, Reply)

First boyfriend
My first real boyfriend was twenty nine and a half years older than me and I met him on a support site for people who suffer with a specific mental health problem. I was with him for a year, but he would not leave his wife for me, so we split up.

Now I am with a lovely lady and she is seven years older than me. She has beautiful red hair, with a few silver streaks. Read our story here if you are so inclined.

www.b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/post231715
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 22:05, 2 replies)

does amuse me to see the amount of..
ooof! i am like 20 and my missus *looks around* is twentyfarkkinfree!!!!

IAMANUTTAITELLSYA!

IWOULDFARKMUD!

NUTTA!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 21:35, 9 replies)

cough cough
Fat old horse rapist, seeks young filly for long rides in the country and sexual violation

Call 0898 505050



runs
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 21:28, Reply)