pop
i was asked in december which of my team i should consider for the chop in january - 'should the worst happen'

i said to my boss well that's a tough one but with some sadness made my recommendations. i was prudent enough to seek his advice on this..

"i have to ask (fat cunt boss) - i've been here 6 months now (Dubai) and i'm just about to ship my family and all my worldly possessions out here - i have another family poised to rent my property back home - should i still be going ahead with this?"

(reassuring voice) "of course spimf we still need a core management staff to run the business"

i was told this morning the final decision on my redundancy will be in "a week or two" from then i have 1 month to find a job (there are none, Dubai is FUCKED, 2000 cars have been dumped at the airport in the last two months) then after 1 month i lose my visa have to fund my trip home, my family's trip. oh and try and work out what the fuck to do about my belongings that are on a boat off west africa currently.

if i miss one payment for the new car i bought i go to jail. if i don't pay my credit card bills - i go to jail.

my wife is in bits

i'm pretty scared to be honest - i sold our cars - let my home, put all my possessions on a boat for these cunts - the owner is a multi millionaire but would rather dump me and my family in the desert than lose a few quid over a few months.

he has a history of this sort of behavior

that's why hes rich i guess
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:44, 27 replies)

I chuckled last night
when someone on Radio 1 mentioned the Credit Card Crunch...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:44, 2 replies)

That'll learn ya
The coverage of the worst financial disaster since the last one has gotten my blood boiling. This cross-representation of society Sky News just loves representing 24 hours a day wouldn't know a salmon en croute from a fish pie, and the lament on their faces as the math concludes they might need to take responsibility for their actions is the only thing making me get up in the morning.

Here's a regurgitation of comments I've had from people over the last few months:

I've gotten to the point where I don't know if I can keep up with the heating bills

If you are one of the few people in society who legitimately needs the heating on 12 hours a day, the Government gives you a benefit for that on top of your pension payments. Put on a jumper and get a duvet. Don't spend an extra few quid a day popping up the air temperature a degree or two because you want to wear a skirt and tank top indoors.

I've had to cut down from 20 a day and can't afford to go to the pub anymore

People aren't supposed to afford to smoke and drink freely. That's why it's called a luxury. When you get to the point where this becomes a priority in your life above all else, you've got a dependancy under your belt. Maybe the 20 quid a week you burn away can be spent paying off things you need, like food, water, or caring for your children?

Of course, we've had to cancel our winter holiday now

Being a chirpish 21 years old, I probably can't take the 'when I was your age' approach too easily, so I'll keep this quick. The Working Time Directive gives you a legal minimum of 5 weeks off a year. Soon that will be closer to 6. My parents have had a total of a fortnight off each in the last 3 years to keep a roof over their heads and used their own holidays to work second jobs elsewhere. I don't care how lovely the pistes are this time of year, you're being paid not to come into work and whine when you can't do what you want. It's like being given a piece of birthday cake and complaining that you don't like chocolate. It's still free cake and it's from someone else's pocket. Feel free to insult this country's courtesy, now fuck off.

FAO: Carol Vorderman

Oh no, a 90% pay cut from £1,000,000 to £100k for putting numbers on a board? Of course it was unmanagable. My heart bleeds for you.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:38, 4 replies)

yawn
When ever anyone mentions the credit crunch my eyes glaze over. I lose the will to live, and to stay awake I imagine that the person talking to me is a giant talking vegetable. Or maybe a woodland creature. An man-sized squirrel with an economic opinion. This amuses me.

The other day I pretended in my head for a good while that my colleague was not in fact an accounts controller, but a watermelon.

I nod my head and make appropriate "mm hmmm" noise at polite intervals, but all I hear is "blah, blah blah, blah, blah". Sometimes I amuse myself by pretending that the person talking to me is Barry Manilow, Esther Rantzen, fuck it, even Phil Collins... because all of these people are far more interesting than the credit crunch.
( rofl harris, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:33, Reply)

Credit Crunch Disparity;
MD - 3 week holiday over xmas to Florida,
Director 1 - 2 weeks in cuba, xmas in Cape Town,
Director 2 - snowboarding holiday last week,
Me - out on my ear with 1 weeks notice.

1 week.
(GesticularDancer is sorry if my jokes been done better before, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:23, 2 replies)

Well, not really impacting me much directly at this point, but it did a year ago.
For some, the crunch started a while back, well before it became news.

I used to work for a German-owned semiconductor company (that alone should be enough information to tell you who, if you're at all interested). They were who I worked for back in my early days of b3ta, until I left due to them treating me badly; they were who I worked for a little over a year ago as a contract employee.

When I was there as a permanent employee, I was given a stock option: I could lock in on some stock at its then-current price, and when it reached ten euros per share I could sell it and get a nice chunk of money for it. At the time it was selling for something like $9.50 a share, so it had a little way to go. Of course when I left that all became meaningless anyway.

When I came back as a contract employee I knew that the price had dropped a bit, but didn't really give a shit, to be honest. They were encouraging me to put in overtime- in fact, they had a mandatory 10 hours per week overtime policy in effect- so I was doing just fine.

Then in November their stock started to drop.

The overtime was cut, and then they started letting go of some of their higher priced contractors- the guy from New Mexico, for instance, who was getting paid for housing and meals as well as his hourly wages. Nothing too surprising.

Then they took away our coffee.

The next thing they did was to start turning out half the lights in the office areas of the building. They also got rid of most of the rented printer/copier/fax machines.

Then, just around Christmas, they got rid of their contractors. Bastards. Merry fucking Christmas and a fucking grim New Year.

I managed to land okay in the contract job I currently hold, thank god, but they're not so lucky. Recently they laid off 1200 employees from that plant.

And as of this morning their stock is worth $0.29 per share.

Somehow I feel like Indiana Jones running in front of the boulder...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:20, 2 replies)

And now, on Open University . . .
This is how Capitalism is supposed to work:

Mr Smith has a shop, selling a certain product. Mr Jones opens a shop in direct competition to Mr Smith, selling the same product. Some of Mr Smith's customers go to Mr Jones, because his product is cheaper. But some stay with Mr Smith because his product, although more expensive, is of a higher quality. Thusly do Mr Smith and Mr Jones make a good living, the people have a diverse choice of products and life is good and harmonious.

This is how Capitalism really works:

Mr Smith wants to open to shop but can't afford to. He applies for a small business loan, and is granted one on the understanding that if his business declines the bank can sieze it. His friend agrees to front him the rest of the money in return for a 50% stake in the business.

Mr Jones opens a shop in direct competition. Some of Mr Smith's customers go to Mr Jones because his product is cheaper. Mr Smith thinks he can tough it out because his product is better, but under pressure from his shareholders he reduces his manufacturing costs to compete with Mr Jones. This means he has to move his manufacturing base overseas and lots of people lose their jobs. But it's ok because pretty soon people go back to Mr Smith attracted by his low prices.

However, Mr Jones is backed by a global conglomerate who can afford to run on very low margins and he further reduces his prices beyond the point at which Mr Smith can compete. Mr Smith is forced to lay-off his workforce so he can remain in business. His friend and the bank insist that because of Mr Smith's mis-management of the company he is not giving them a good enough return on their investment and they buy out Mr Smith's share of the business at a substantial loss to him and attempt to re-establish their market position by using slave labour in Indonesia to further drop prices.

But by this point it doesn't matter as, due to high media saturation, Mr Jones's shop has become synonimous in the public's mind with the product in question and Mr Smith goes out of business. His remaining assets are sold and split between his creditors.

Mr Jones becomes the richest man in England and, 6 months later, Mr Smith takes his own life in a dingy bedsit.

Hiiiii-thang-yow.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:13, 1 reply)

News Coverage has made me stressed.
What really annoys me is the continual use of sentences by the Media like: 'This is the worst financial downturn/job loss/blah blah blah during a recession in 17 years'.

What?

You mean the worst since the last recession, 17 years ago?!

This kind of sensationalism can't be truing up the economy exactly.... and if I see that stupid red downward facing arrow one more time....!
( Herman Blume is unique, just like everyone else, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:10, 3 replies)

I think you'll all agree this is the logical move under the circumstances
Finally, a chance to blow some steam at the executive management drudgery I've had to cope with as a result of this 'credit crunch'. When a company misdeclares its assets and realises it's up shit creek without a paddle, my current employer would rather give the vessel a wine cooler and paint job than splash out on a sail and oars.

Just before Christmas I was pulled into a meeting room to be told there was a 60% chance I didn't need to come back after New Years as part of a new cost-cutting strategy. As I'm a student making a few pennies on an industrial placement contract, I'd be easily expendable during this campaign of 'hierarchical rejuvination' (this would also cause me to automatically fail my university degree of which I have worked part time since I was 14 to afford to do. Such pleas fell on deaf ears).

'Sorry Foxy, but the Executive Management Committe got together specifically to talk about this and the only way we can save money is to talk about your future in the company.'

Our EMC is a group of 8 blokes from every corner of the world, who every month each fly business class to Berlin from New York, Dubai, Sydney etc to discuss the future of the company in a hotel's conference centre for a few days. This redundancy meeting was extremely last minute and required a premium mate emergency get together.

8 people flying from all over the world to a hotel on no notice to discuss specifically my future - Upwards of £20,000
My salary - £16,000

They didn't see the problem. 3 of my colleagues got sacked last month.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:10, 2 replies)

credit crunch stupidity
well my mortgage has gone down from £1000 a month to just under £500 a month, on the downside its on the house that i no longer live in and cant sell, the mortgage on my current abode is £500 a month, so i might actually just about survive. can anybody pay me a shit load for doing nothing because my boss is a stingy git and hasnt given me a pay rise in the last 5 years. i hate being sking
(pogo_it, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:04, Reply)

The credit crunch is great!
My van finally blew up yesterday after months of threats so I needed a cheap replacement and quick - thanks to the credit crunch and all the redundancies, people everywhere are selling their vans at really low prices! Bonanza!
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 16:03, Reply)

It's slowly ruining my life....
...honestly.

Am I suffering from financial distress? Nope.

Am I in negative equity? Nope.

Did my life savings go down the pan with Northern Rock or which ever back went bust this week? Nope.

Am I reluctant to spend my money? Nope.

Am I saddened by the loss, and to an extent, imminent loss of some almost institutional high street names? Not on your Nelly!

So, why is ruining my life?

Well, you see, if I keep hearing...

"current financial climate"
"global economy"
"Alistair Darling"
"financial downturn"

.....or any other media-honed, skull numbing buzz-words, I'm fairly sure I'm going to start going postal and shooting up every local and national news centre in the country! Arrrrrgghhhh!

It'll ruin my life because, between you and me, I don't like prison.

I miss watching the news when it was about floods, war and murderers. At least the general newsy banter was more varied and every cunt who has a TV didn't feel they needed to have their "I watched the news once" non-opinions on the matter.

Gah.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:56, 3 replies)

Credit crunch
It's an ill wind as they say.

Professionally* it's made the lazy box-ticking engineers and buyers in the companies I've been trying to get into for the last 16 months (before they all had to count the pennies) sit up and take notice that I CAN supply them for less than my biggest competitor. Therefore I'm making a dent in my competitors' profits (and making a nuisance of myself by debunking their claims to "worldwide patents", "innovative technology" and "qualified support staff").

This sudden flurry of competition means that the American director responsible for the UK of my biggest competitor has made three personal calls to my mobile and four to my home number to see if I fancy "A chat about future prospects".

So I'm being headhunted, Go me!

I have no debts and have had no credit for the past 6 years. My rent is pitifully small for my 1100 square foot flat and my car is fully expensed by my employer.

Life is good.

*Yeah right! ME - professional!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:54, 1 reply)

Catch 22 on the housing ladder
About 2 years ago I bought a flat in addition to our family home. This was going to be the investment to one day retire on. I ran/am running, it as a successful holiday business and jointly own it with my wife.

So last summer she decided she'd rather go drinking and clubbing with her mates and duly booted me out of our house. Due to holiday bookings I couldn't live in the flat of course.

SO now we're going through divorce proceedings I have the lovely catch 22 situation that I can't go and buy a house because I'm listed on a mortgage for a house I don't live in. All other money is tied up in a flat (as another debt) which is jointly owned.

This means if I live in the flat I can't finalise my divorce and get on with my life as it's a joint asset so needs to be sold. However the state of the economy means nobody wants to buy the flat. Well that's not completely true, I have the buyers that want it but can't get a mortgage and the opportunists who think I'm desperate so offer 20% less than the market price.

So I'm stuck in no-mans land. Don't want to live in the flat, can't buy anywhere else unless I sell it. Plus the flat really isn't suitable for my needs anyway.

Even if I rent the place out the tax man will have 40% of any income from it.

Probably sounds like I'm rolling in money, but it's all mortgages/debts etc being just about covered by my salary, so I actually live with my parents again (how depressing) and if I lose my job the bank will take everything anyway.

Thing that pisses me off is the banks/economic troubles are not caused by lending money on robust assets like property but by idiots like HSBC who lend vast unsecured loans to people who can't afford them.

e.g. my ex-sister in law. Knocked up, living in a council flat, no proper income, no assets. Yet HSBC gave her a £20k unsecured loan!?!? No surprises she had problems paying it back, but it's not like the bank can seize anything of value when she has fuck all.


If the outcome of this whole "credit crunch" is that people can get mortgages but not unsecured loans then it's a good thing in my opinion. After all if you can't afford to buy something, you shouldn't have it.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:50, 11 replies)

They took away the free cold drinks and barely drinkable coffee
And replaced them with a vending machine and swill-water.

As far as I can tell, the economy hasn't actually affected the company's income, they're just using it as an excuse.
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:49, Reply)

The Credit Crunch?
Is that some type of Chuck Norris sponsored finance company?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:42, 1 reply)

I don't have mortgage
So i'm not saving loads of money like the rest of you lot. Bugger!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:42, 1 reply)

Well...
I got a good union and they got us a 5% pay rise when it should have been 2.5% because inflation was so high... then inflation went down.

My mortgage has gone down £250 quid... I don't really have savings to speak of.

And at the moment things are ok. Could be out of a job in March tho, so... not counting my chickens yet, and I'm trying to save the money I'm saving now in case I need it when I get made redundant.

If that doesn't happen though - Im going to go mental in April and buy Empire Direct for the £750 quid I've saved and give myself all the 50" plasmas.
(Kaplaaah Wasting time on the net since 1994., Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:37, 1 reply)

Pay Rise
Yesterday the weather was foul, the sea was doing its level best to repopulate the land by air drop and i was feeling pretty low due to a combination of crappy training at work and lack of beer/physical contact with Mrs Pieman.

I was busy at my desk, hard at work, taking calls and of course reading the obligatory B3TA when my trepidation levels suddenly shot through the roof. Our MD had pulled up in our little backwater car park in his rather plush BMW. This is not a usual occurrence as our sweatshop/Call centre is not generally on the radar of higher management firmly entrenched as they are in our head office building.
Trepidation levels took another leap when my team leader announced that we were all going into a meeting with said MD.
"I'll get my P45 then" I said jokingly to my boss. Worryingly she didn't laugh.

We all traipsed through the cold and the rain like good little sheep into the meeting room next door and sat down in the leather effect chairs to await the pronouncement from our glorious leader.
Grimly he shuffled in and parked himself on the edge of the desk. Not looking any of us in the face he started to speak
"Due to the financial climate (complete with other management speak terms) all pay rises this year are suspended."
No much needed pay rise to the pittance i get for the Pieman this year...
Now ok i know i still have a job (for the moment) so things could be worse but all that was running through my mind while he was speaking was
"I Bet you still get your big yearly bonus"

Unbelievably he then had the affront to launch into a speech saying how much the hard work we had done over the year was appreciated and that he would need our continued commitment and motivation in order for us to be successful.

Why does it seem to be that none of these companies realise that the best way to keep your staff productive and motivated is to recognize their hard work by paying a decent wage? Theme days and pats on the back do not pay the bills in a recession.

Sorry for the rant and lack of punnage i am past the cheesed off stage and into badly needing a drink phase


EDIT:- Bad days plus B3ta not a winning combo. I will shut up now.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:33, 2 replies)

Shouldn't have been an issue...
I've had some inheritance going through probate. It's taken seven years due to some seriously cack-handed lawyering and involves some property and shares. Finally, it all came through like the denouement of a nasty case of constipation. Just in time for the recession to give it the serious smack down.

Even worse, I now live in the States while the estate is in the UK. Since just after the probate process started until fairly recently, the exchange rate was hovering around 2 dollars to the pound. I thought the US economy tanking would improve the situation even more. I didn't count on Blair/Brown fucking things up even worse than the idiots here. 1.371 to the pound this morning. I try not to think about it too much...

Lawyers? Fuck em.

Also, word to anyone who cares about their relatives: Make a will.
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:22, 7 replies)

Holidays In The Sun
Things have been somewhat tight for my other half and I. Mainly due to her being a banker. Last year she changed her job, and landed a plumb one at a bank, which just happened to go bust because of the sub-prime loans scandal on the very day she started. Oops.

Fortunately they couldn't just turf her out (this being in Germany) and so she effectively got paid to find another job, which she did on the last day of her 6-month probation, and then had to suffer ANOTHER 6-month probation. This meant NO HOLIDAY for a year.

Finally her probation was up, and she was allowed to take holiday. This we duly did, flying off to Florida. In September. Last Year. At what seemed at the time to be ridiculously good exchange rates.

No, we didn't get hit by any one of the three hurricanes, but it did mean that we had good room rates and a choice. Some hotels practically begged us to stay. We sat on Pensacola Beach one dusky evening and watched Hurricane Ike in the distance, thundering into the bay of Mexico. Next day it got a little rough in Pensacola, but we'd departed to New Orleans, which had only just re-opened for business. OK we got a bit of horizontal rain, but it wasn't that bad. It was even warm.

Meanwhile, of course, the election is going on, and Sarah Palin and John McCain are doing their damned best to generate material for the Election party I'd been booked to do in November. Life was surprisingly good. We got to see Kennedy Space Centre AND see a shuttle on the launchpad (something I've wanted to do for my entire life), The CNN building, the Missisippi and even a jazz traffic jam in New Orleans (really)

Then, to cap it all.. on the way back to Atlanta, we stopped at Tuscaloosa. That night, we watched a) Batman Begins and b) the entire and complete collapse of the international banking system. Oops. A few days later we flew back to Germany.

Three Hurricanes and the collapse of Western Civilization.. Now that's what I call value for money from a holiday.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:18, Reply)

Credit Crunch
Before the credit crunch nobody knew who the fuck I was, now I'm really famous! WOOHOO! I *heart* ALISTAIR DARLING

Love Robert Peston
(kebabking - salad and garlic mayo pls, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:15, 1 reply)

Times are tough
I've had to stop using high class hookers. It was just too expensive. So my mate recommended I try 'Dating'.

Basically its a bit like betting. You lay down some money in the form of dinner, flowers, theatre and drink. The odds are 50/50 that you are going to get a shag at the end of the night which is a lot higher than phoning one of those 'meet singles in your area' lines at £1.50 a minute.

The end of the night is where it gets interesting. This bit is like playing a poker hand. You have your eye on the pot (her mimsi), but you don't want to lose to the other player (her brain). If you throw down your hand too soon it's game over and you go home alone. Make her feel special and the mimsi is yours. Its a slippery slope fraught with pitfalls.

For example if you ask her back to yours for coffee too soon it'll be obvious what cards you have in your hand and you'll lose. This is far too obvious play and should be avoided at all costs. That would be like throwing down a pair of twos and expecting to win. You need to watch her and try read her hand. If she isn't really excited and keen then you need to play it cool and 'ice' her. This will serve to increase her interest in you and will improve your chances of winning the mimsi. You see woman are programmed such that when they aren't getting the attention they crave they will try seek it out from you.

You also need to look for signs during dinner that may indicate the strength of her hand. If she says something like 'I have a beautiful view at my apartment' then it indicates that you may be onto a winning hand. She obviously wants you to see it at some point. Handle this well and you may be onto a winner.

Occasionally you get blackjack. This is where the mimsi is given to you before the game is even over. An example of this would be where she says, 'I don't feel like dessert. Can we just go to yours and fuck!'.

So this my tough credit crunchy life. I'm gambling my hard money on dinner, theatre & flowers for sex.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:14, 4 replies)

...not at all really
The only way it's affected me is by how cheap games are. 360 games drop to half price less than a month after release :)

I picked up about a dozen gems over the xmas period.

Living at home and paying minimal rent is great. My savings are still on the up as well!
(Chojin doesn't know what day of the week it is, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:10, Reply)

It's annoyed me horrifically
Because idiots keep referring to a recession as a media buzzword invented by smarmy dicks in slick suits so that chin dripping mongoloids can join in with the discussion they saw on daytime TV.
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 15:02, 1 reply)

It hasn't really affected me in the slightest
My job is secure thanks to the fact that the civil servants I deal with are, at best, Luddites when it comes to computers. So whilst my job may be annoying, I'm safe until 2011, when the contract comes up for renewal. Fujitsu may not be the best place to work, but it's secure, thank Christ.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 22 Jan 2009, 14:56, 3 replies)

My contribution to the unemployment list
I may possibly have caused my local video store to go out of business, as I had Mystic River for 6 months because I got it out when I was drunk and forgot I had. The when I found underthe bed a month later I was too scared of the fine to take it back.

The fine the last time they wrote to me was in three figures.

They closed down a week ago.

I still have never watched Mystic River either.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 14:55, 7 replies)

package christmas
My brother was sent out to buy a cheap christmas tree for his uni accommodation. The crafty bugger went into a department store that was having a closing down sale and offered the manager a fiver for one of the fully decorated fake store trees. Bargain!
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 14:54, Reply)

As a billionaire who's really good at martial arts
and can beat up almost anyone on the planet, I'm not that bothered.

I'm just continuing to drink Krug out of supermodels fannies on my 400ft yacht the same as before.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 14:52, 5 replies)