Shopping on your own: The sorrowful tale of Pooflake and the insufferably hot checkout girl...

Background info: Do you remember that scene in ‘Top Gun’, where the pilots are being briefed and Val ‘Iceman’ Kilmer does a smart trick with a pen by rotating it around his fingers and rolling it from one finger to the other?...Some people do the same kind of trick with coins?

Know what I mean?...ok then…I’ll begin

A little while back I was in Tesco buying my weekly supply of gout-inducing-fodder-products, when it came to the inevitable point of running my intended purchases across the conveyor belt, and into the hands of your average overworked, underpaid, usually dog-rough checkout girl.

But this was no average checkout girl. Far from it. In the spirit of the QotW I will say the following line:

You really should ‘check out’ this checkout girl. *cringe*

She was a vision…she looked like the perfected article of which Kelly Brook was merely the working prototype. Her godawful Tesco uniform did nothing to sully her obvious charms, sparkling eyes, and smile that alone could increase your heart rate by 300bpm, all encompassed in a bite-your-fist pretty face.

Not being the most confident of studmuffins, I started to go bright red just by looking at her. Within seconds I was staring at the floor, trying hard not to look at her too much in fear of freaking her out.

(Cos that’s happened before)

So she starts to scan my shopping, and all is going well…

Bread - *Beeeep*
Cans of soup - *Beeeep*

At this point I pluck up some courage to smile meekly at her. She responds and my knees buckle beneath me. It’s going well.

Crate of Cider - *Beeeep*
Vaseline – Erm…*Beeeep*
Tampons…

Holy wanking spanners! – I’d forgotten about these! 'The present Mrs Pooflake' asked me to buy them…Just don’t look the girl in the eye…DON’T LOOK AT HER!....

The moment passes.

Oh god, what else is there?

*thinks*

*looks at conveyor belt*

“OH MY JESUS-FUCKING-BASTARD-CUNT-ATTACK!!!” I scream in my head when my guppy-fish-like memory is kickstarted by spotting the novelty cake I had bought for my mate’s birthday…which is in the shape of an enormous pair of tits….slowly roll down the conveyor belt.

I now wanted to eat the box of tampons so I would choke to death and ease my suffering.

The angel in blue-cotton overalls merely rolled her eyes and ran it through the scanner. ‘Ah well’, I thought to myself. 'I suppose I can always look forward to the next glorious, yet brief few seconds of my life between crushing embarrassments…'

The time came for me to pay and scuttle off to whatever hole she thought I had crawled out of.

I handed her my card. ‘Any cashback?’ she purred, with a voice like a velvet willywarmer.

“erm……erm….*splutter*….yes… £30 please " I whimper.

“No problem” she chirps, “could you just initial this receipt please? She hands me a pen…

Like the preposterous glutton for punishment that I am, and with a ‘Roger Moore style’ raised eyebrow, I attempt the ‘Top Gun pen-spinning-trick’…

Not surprisingly, I fuck it up, and the pen drops harmlessly on the counter. So what do I do…?

Like some subconscious showing-off masochist who didn’t learn his lesson the first million times, I try the trick again.

I wedge the pen between my first two fingers, twist them together…and……*flip*. I proceed to ‘ping’ the pen and send it spinning about 20 yards through the air across the supermarket, before it lands in a heap by the shoe shine products.

The up-until-now-admirable resolve of delicious Checkout girl finally crumbles at this point. Her gorgeous face splurts out a mixture of spit and snot as she violently guffaws directly at my face.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!” She cries out, unable to hold back any more, her whole perfect body shuddering with insane cackling as I start to feel like the shimmering heat from my shame-crammed face could metaphorically melt everything within three square miles.

Silently, and with a permanent expression of strained anguish on my face, we finally finish the transaction and I was allowed to sprint out of the place with my trolley.

The next few minutes were a blur as I shuffled off before finding a quiet, lonely spot to shout grotesque obscenities at my own supreme idiocy, then calculated exactly how much plastic surgery I would require before I could ever return to Tesco without a bag on my head.

I then solemnly promised myself to tell nobody of what had occurred that day.

( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 4 Dec 2008, 11:34, 11 replies)

Oh mate, the shame....
Fucking good post.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 11:41, closed)

"Voice like a velvet willywarmer"
Chortles
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 4 Dec 2008, 11:59, closed)

Nicely told, Poo.

( thealternativefact, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 11:48, closed)

Oh Flakey
I cannot click hard enough!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 12:01, closed)

*clicks*
Brilliant as always Mr. Flake.
( Moey, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 12:03, closed)

Thanks Guys...

I know it's a late post, but I've only just remembered the incident...

*makes note to buy stronger mind bleach in future*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 4 Dec 2008, 12:04, closed)

You are a QOTW god.
Im not a very good reader. I cant read books. I get bored very quickly. I dont even read half the long entrys on QOTW. Most of the time I half read an answer then move on. But your's always seem to keep me reading.
Clicky
(Miggyman, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 12:05, closed)

*bows to genius storyteller*
*clicks*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 12:15, closed)

Eh!
This doesn't sound like the witty, erudite, handsome and charming Pooflake I know.

Must be another Pooflake.

*confuses*
( girlinthehole, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 13:10, closed)

Oh, BGB...

It is me.

It's just that when I see you, you bring out the best in me...

(or should that be worst?)

grrr etc.

*makes 'clawing' gestures with hands*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 4 Dec 2008, 13:15, closed)

Pooflake
You are a cornerstone of this establishment, and I salute you!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 13:33, closed)