dear pret a manger
as i have had the courtesy to steal many straws from your shop for illicit storage in my desk drawer to facilitate my diet coke addiction, please would you ensure that the only holes are at either end? if i suck in a delicious mouthful of icy cold fizzy goodness only to be rewarded with a tiny mouthful of foam and a large brown stain spreading over my court documents from the leaking bendy bit of your inadequate plastic pieces of shit on just one more occasion, i will write to your ceo and complain bitterly. the same way i did with virgin. and smeg. and sainsburys. and bt. and gucci. (although the last one was justified.)

thanking you in anticipation of your kind attention.

yours faithfully

rswipe

*lawyers make terrible customers. but we are quite good at getting free stuff!*
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 13:14, 7 replies)

*panders to rswipe*
I need free stuff. how do you get it without having something cocked up in the first place?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 13:27, closed)

erm......
lie to them and promise them you'll buy more stuff if they give you free stuff first?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 13:29, closed)

But you can't lie!
You're a lawyer.

Oh, wait...

Bonus points for the Tourette's fodder too, by the way! Holes, suck, mouthful, smeg.....
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 13:32, closed)

I bet the one to Virgin was justified...

Fight the power girl!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 10 Sep 2008, 14:05, closed)

Was that your expensive Gucci bag?
Did I miss the story???
( Ghoti Fingers, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 14:33, closed)

no no no the bag is fine, you can relax.
got a gucci watch for my 30th birthday, and the battery hasn't even lasted 9 months. when you pay that kind of monopoly money for a watch, you at least expect the battery to last longer than that!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 14:37, closed)

I wrote a letter of complaint to Sainsburys this year
The silly bitch on the till demanded proof of age identification for the alchohol I was buying, even though (1) It was a small part of my weekly shopping, (2) I was paying with a VISA card and (3) I am 31 years old. I didn't get any free stuff but I did get a letter of apology and they said they questioned the snotty cow on the till (I sent a copy of my receipt so they would know who it was).
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 17:38, closed)